


Four Ace Faces

by luvtheheaven



Category: Glee
Genre: Acephobia, Agender Character, Aromantic, Aromantic Characters, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Bisexual Male Character, Bisexuality, But Beiste is not trans in this fic, Cancer Arc, Canon Trans Character, Canonical Character Death - Finn Hudson, Christian Character, Coming Out, Demisexuality, Dubious Consent, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gen, Genderqueer Character, Grey-A, Heteroromantic, Homoromantic, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Minor Character Death, Multi, Mysophobia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Out With A Bang Big Bang, Parent-Child Relationship, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, Romantic Asexual Characters, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 03:56:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 47,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4289940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luvtheheaven/pseuds/luvtheheaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beiste is well into her forties, and already a divorcée, before she discovers the terms “aromantic” and “asexual”, but soon, with a push from her happily married demisexual friend Emma, she’s leading her own Lima chapter of a meet-up group meant for people like the two of them – people who fall on the asexual spectrum. Marley is happy to have a group of people to talk to who understand what she’s going through, as her romantic relationship with Jake and her friendship with Unique have both been complicated by her own recently discovered asexuality. Meanwhile Kurt, who also falls on the spectrum, has been attending NYADA. He is happy to be exploring polyamory with a bisexual Blaine, and he’s writing a musical. When he returns to Lima, he stops by the ace meet-up, and in the process stumbles across just the people he needs to help him make his musical into a commercial success.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. “Have you ever heard of asexuality?”

**Author's Note:**

> _(I almost checked the "Major Character Death" and "Rape/Non-Con" warning boxes, but..._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  _There is no actual rape/non-con shown in the fic, just 1) dubious consent in Beiste & Cooter's abusive marriage - complicated by her not knowing that asexuality was a thing at the time - and 2) a referenced sexual assault experienced by one of Emma's students._  
>   
>  _There is also no new major character death. There is a minor character death in chapter 13 though, and that may be painful for certain people to read, plus lots of references to Finn's canonical death.)_  
>   
>  Special thanks to my betas for this fic, Scarlett88 & Princess976. They were a huge help in many ways. I am very appreciative of them sticking with this fic of mine till the bitter end, especially when I needed them to beta the final 8 chapters within just a week-and-a-half!  
>   
> This fic has a different point of view featured each chapter, with the four main characters – Marley, Emma, Kurt, and Beiste – all getting two chapters from their own perspective. All other characters – such as Will, below in chapter 1 – have only one chapter from their perspective.  
>   
> Please enjoy this fic. It was written for the “Out With a Bang” Glee fic writing challenge where fics of at least 47,000 words had to be written between the period of January 2015 through June 2015, to be posted in July 2015. The challenge also gave me two artists – catupatree created a fanmix (a playlist of music) to match the fic along with some visual art as front and back covers, and pitufa003 has created a lovely banner and book cover for the story!  
>   
> Any Glee-based fanfic was allowed to be written for this Big Bang challenge. I stuck to the canon of seasons 1-5, so most things that were first established in season 6 are ignored. However, I also shifted the canon at a lot of key points in seasons 2-5, which should be obvious once you begin reading. This is my first attempt ever at writing something rated higher than T, and just so you know, the first chapter already strays into rated M territory.  
>   
>   
> 
> 
> Above is pitufa003's book cover for my fic. (pitufa003's banner is featured in the final chapter.)
> 
> And catupatree also made me a fanmix and these pieces of cover art!
> 
> I'll feature it again after chapter 9 but please be sure to listen to it if you can! ;)
> 
> Download link for the .zip folder of the fanmix: <https://www.dropbox.com/sh/tph1p4pzzlbpg12/AAAF9crsKFGlsFyMBaSpN30za?dl=0>

_**This first chapter is from Will Schuester’s point of view, and is set during an AU version of episode 5x05 “The End of Twerk”.** _

Will Schuester smiled to himself as he mentally replayed that video Tina had surreptitiously recorded of Blaine twerking. He wasn’t amused at the senior boy’s expense; he was simply excited to lead the kids into a twerking assignment for tomorrow. It would be fun, and even Will himself could use the opportunity to let loose in a new dancing style he hadn’t really tried out yet. _It would,_ he reasoned, _at the very least, be good exercise._

He finished gathering up the last few pieces of sheet music from the top of the piano, noticing the Lady Gaga piece that apparently had been left behind from last week. He carefully put it inside of his satchel – purposely putting it at the top of the other pieces, in order to simplify the process of organizing it all correctly once he got back to his bookshelf at home – and then, once the papers were secure in his bag, he began to cross the empty choir room. Glee had been the final class of the day on this particular Wednesday, and now everyone - teachers and students alike - were preparing to head home. He was almost at the door when he recognized two male voices in the hall. He paused as he overheard how upset Jake sounded, feeling concern for his freshman student.

“I just feel so frustrated, all the time now!” Jake explained with exasperation. Will knew he must be near Ryder’s locker, which he’d seen in the past was mere feet from the Glee classroom. Jake continued, “I think I should probably just break up with her. I don’t _want_ to, but maybe I have to.”

“Because she won’t have sex with you?” Ryder replied with surprise. The commotion in the hall made it likely that no one, other than Will, was really able to overhear a word they were saying. There were locker doors slamming shut every few seconds, and in the air the general buzz of many conversations at once. Ryder justified the surprise in his tone by saying, “She’s only fifteen years old, dude.”

Will couldn’t help but think that these two boys were only fifteen as well. He lingered some more, now purposely eavesdropping on the whole conversation. Will _also_ couldn’t help but realize that he related a little too strongly to being in a relationship where the female partner was – frustratingly – refusing to ever have sex, even if for Will it had been when both he and his partner were much older than these boys were now. Will knew it was likely a very different situation, and given the young age of his students, he shouldn’t be projecting – but he couldn’t stop certain memories of his own from resurfacing.

“Bree’s only fifteen too,” Jake commented, “and she seemed more than willing to have sex with me yesterday.”

Ryder’s eyes widened.

“I didn’t take her up on her offer, don’t worry,” Jake assured his friend with a small laugh. “I can’t pretend I wasn’t tempted, though. She even offered again today, coming into the _boys_ bathroom when she knew I was in there!”

“No way. Dude, that’s insane!”

“I think Bree is one of those girls who gets all excited by breaking the rules. She knows I’m with Marley. I… I just don’t want to be _that_ kind of guy anymore, you know? I’m trying to commit to being with only one girl at a time now. But I’m … I’m just not sure that one girl should be Marley anymore.”

Ryder pushed his locker door shut while he waited for his friend to elaborate.

“It’s not just sex. Marley… she doesn’t even like kissing with tongue most of the time,” he said quietly, so quietly that Will found himself straining to pick up all of the words.

“She’ll do it, but half the time I feel like she’s only doing it because _I_ want to. Sometimes… in this relationship… I guess I don’t exactly feel loved, regardless of how many times she _tells_ me she loves me.”

Will’s thoughts, again, jumped to a certain red-haired woman. This was all a little too familiar.

Jake continued, “And it’s like… like she doesn’t even feel flattered when I tell her how sexy she is.”

“Do you think it’s because of her…” he faltered, unsure of what words to use. “Do you think it’s because of her body image issues?” Ryder finally asked, in a serious tone.

“I don’t know. I guess her eating disorder _might_ be making the whole thing more complicated for her, but I’m not sure how much more patient I can be. Last night my mom wasn’t home, Marley was still looking _hot_ in that Katy Perry wig, you know?” Jake dropped his tone to echo the seductiveness. “With the _lollipops_ on her boobs…”

Ryder chuckled softly, clearly amused by how much Jake loved that particular costume.

“…and I was _ready_ , you know?” Jake said. “I was so sure we’d at least get to second or third base, even if not all the way… ‘home’, if you know what I mean. But no, first base was all we did.”

Ryder shifted a little uncomfortably.

“Oh, sorry, dude,” Jake said. “Is it still awkward for me to talk to you about this stuff? Do you still wish you could be in my place?”

Ryder shrugged. “I can’t help but sometimes wish I could be as close to her as you get to be… but it’s cool. This is what friends are for. Discussing this stuff. Soon maybe I’ll have my own girlfriend to talk to you about,” he said with an air of hopefulness. “Then I’ll _really_ have moved on from my feelings for Marley.”

Jake smiled. “Yeah. You got your eye on any new girls lately?”

Ryder stopped smiling. “No, not really. Ever since that whole… catfish thing, I kind of wanted to take a break from looking.”

“I understand,” Jake said with a serious nod. “But anyway, I’m just trying to tell you that dating Marley is really not as great as you might think it’d be. She would rather spend all of our time at my house just… cuddling on the couch while we listen to my mom’s old CDs on our stereo system. Then we spend about an hour discussing the meaning of the lyrics. That used to be kind of fun – she’s really insightful about that stuff sometimes and I appreciate these old songs more now than I ever did before I started dating her. I didn’t really mind only doing that on our dates, at first – whatever she wanted was cool, you know? But since we do that _all the time_ now, I’m pretty bored.”

Ryder nodded as Will stepped out of the open doorway toward the boys.

“Jake, do you have a minute to talk?”

“Uh… sure, Mr. Schue,” Jake replied.

Jake exchanged a glance with Ryder, and then followed Will back into the empty choir room. Ryder began to head in the opposite direction toward the school’s exit.

“So I know this is awkward,” Will began, as he shut the door behind him to give both his student and himself complete privacy. After a moment, the two of them were both standing near the piano. “But I overheard what you were saying about Marley.”

Jake looked horrified. Will understood that the reaction was only natural. He really did hate making his students uncomfortable, but he felt like this was too important. “I just… I was wondering if maybe you had ever heard of asexuality,” Will said delicately.

“No, I don’t think I’ve heard of it,” Jake said slowly, clearly nervous about the direction this conversation was heading. “Look, I know you’ve had glee kids in the past who’ve had to deal with teen pregnancies and stuff, but I swear I know all about condoms and how to use them.”

Will smiled slightly, realizing that Jake probably had incorrectly guessed that asexuality was related to that other ‘a’ word _abstinence_ , or to safe sex practices, or something.

“No,” Will said, beginning to correct him. Will gestured toward the first row of chairs. “Let’s sit,” he suggested, and Jake complied, although the teenager also glanced at his watch as he sat down.

“Do you have somewhere you need to be right now?” the teacher asked.

Jake shook his head. “No, it’s cool. I just walk home from school on Wednesdays. No one’s home to notice if I’m a bit later.”

Will was relieved that they had no time limit, and he hoped, now that he was seated beside Jake in a plastic chair, that perhaps Jake would feel more at ease – like they were just two guys discussing this topic, guys who were almost equals.

“I hadn’t heard of asexuality until a little over a year ago,” Will explained. “It’s another sexual orientation, like being straight, bi, or gay. I… I don’t think they’re teaching about it in Mrs. Alpert’s Health Class yet, which is a real shame. Because I think there’s a chance that it _could_ be an answer Marley needs.”

“Really?” Jake asked, fully intrigued by this point. “What does… ey-sex-al-ity mean?” He stumbled through the pronunciation of the term with the awkwardness of anyone learning a new word.

“Well, I could be way off about Marley,” Will prefaced, “but in general, a person who is asexual doesn’t feel sexual attraction to anyone. Their gender doesn’t matter.” Seeing Jake look a little confused, Will decided to continue. “Straight men like you and me don’t find other men sexy, right?”

Jake nodded and then commented, “Only gay guys do.”

"Well, there are also guys who are bisexual," Will added slowly.

"You mean like Blaine," Jake said, nodding his head, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

For the past year or so, Will had been learning more and more about the LGBTQ+ spectrum, and had been working on fixing his mistaken views. He especially was working on getting better at dealing with trans issues for Unique’s sake. But Blaine had helped him realize that it wasn’t only women who might be bisexual, and it had been a confluence of factors that led to him realizing that he’d had quite a few biases and misconceptions he needed to get over.

Will elaborated, “And… and for an asexual person, that lack of feeling attraction applies toward… everyone.”

Jake furrowed his brow. “That can’t be a real sexual orientation. Sex is a basic human need! We all find _some_ type of person sexy.”

Will shook his head. “You’ve been misinformed,” he gently explained. “But I understand how you could think that. I was in the same position as you until I was thirty-five years old!”

The fifteen-year-old took in the information, and Will took a moment to decide what he wanted to say next. He didn’t want to betray any of his wife’s secrets. So he simply said, “I would just recommend looking online for some information on the topic. See if maybe you can find a way to share what you find with Marley. If it’s not her, that’s cool. But maybe you two will have learned something new anyway.”

Jake nodded. “Okay. Thanks, Mr. Schue,” he said slowly, still very unsure about all of it. He gestured toward the door. “So, can I…?”

Will replied, “Yes, sure, go on home now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Will stared over toward the piano, gathering his thoughts, trying to figure out if he knew enough about Marley to make an educated guess on her sexual orientation. Maybe the girl was just too young and not ready for sex, like he remembered Rachel being during that time when she was dating Jesse and talking to the other Glee girls about it during her sophomore year. He’d overheard that conversation too, getting the girls’ perspectives… but somehow none of them had seemed as… _un-sexual_ as he realized Marley seemed. She was the opposite of boy-crazed, and he realized there were so many options, that it may just be her personality, and he could be way off to think she wasn’t attracted to the younger Puckerman. Or even if she wasn’t attracted to her boyfriend, the issue could be that she was struggling with being a closeted lesbian, just like Santana had been for years. Will realized he may have just given his young male student some terrible relationship advice. _It wouldn’t be the first time I’d be way off about Marley,_ he thought sadly, remembering how much he’d hurt her by casually dismissing the idea of letting her show off her original songs, and how beautiful and emotional they had ended up being.

It was just that, in many ways, Marley was who he imagined a young Emma to be. Will thought about his wife, about her often quiet nature, about her modest clothing choices. He then reflected back to when she’d first come home from a therapy session and told Will about the new word she’d learned to describe herself.

It hadn’t been long after they’d gotten engaged. Emma had walked in the door looking shaken, looking upset in a way he hadn’t seen since the fiasco where he’d invited her parents over without her permission. Will had known she was coming from a regularly scheduled therapy session, and he was instantly worried that Dr. Shane may have said something hurtful, that maybe Emma needed to find a new psychiatrist, despite all the progress that Emma had been making. Will remembered that evening so well.

 

* * *

_“Hi, honey!” Will said. Noticing his fiancée’s facial expression, he then asked, “Hey, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” He got up from where he was sitting on the couch and walked over to her._

_Emma bit her bottom lip nervously and fiddled with the engagement ring on her finger._

_Will gently reached out to touch her arm. In a very soft and gentle tone, he pressed, “Please, tell me.”_

_She met his eyes and then nodded, silently leading him back over to the couch he’d just gotten up from. “So… you know how I um… am still a virgin?” Emma asked rhetorically. Will wasn’t expecting the conversation to go in this direction, and instantly got nervous. Emma continued, “Well, I’ve been talking to Dr. Shane about this stuff, and today she… she introduced me to some new concepts. Have you… have you ever heard of the word ‘demisexual’?”_

_Will shook his head._

_“Me neither,” she explained. “Until today. But… it’s me. I… my whole life, I’ve… I’ve only ever found you sexy. No one else.”_

_Will was a little confused. “But you’re not ready to have sex with me, right?”_

_“That is true,” she confirmed. “But um… I have fantasies about you,” she tried to explain. “I get turned on looking at you sometimes, especially… shirtless.” She smiled shyly._

_“Well you know I feel the same way about you,” Will told her reassuringly, hoping she did indeed know that. “You’re… so gorgeous.”_

_“Thanks,” she said, blushing. “I… I just… I wanted, so badly to feel that way about Carl, at one point in time.”_

_Will felt defensive at the sound of that man’s name. “Carl?”_

_“Wait. Just listen. Um… you… you found Terri… sexy, didn’t you?” Emma whispered, and Will almost felt like she was accusing him of doing something wrong, despite the clear past tense in her phrasing._

_“Well, yeah, of course I did,” he said slowly._

_“That’s the thing, though!” Emma replied. “Of course you did. Of course.” She sounded like she was on the verge of tears._

_“Emma, Terri and I have been over for a long time now. I never think about her. Why are you bringing her up?”_

_After a long pause, she took a deep breath, and said, “I am on the asexual spectrum.”_

_“The… a-sex-what?”_

* * *

Will had learned that day all about asexuality, and the spectrum of related sexual orientations, including his wife’s recently discovered one. He’d learned that some people are demisexual, meaning that they usually didn’t experience sexual attraction, but sometimes, after a strong emotional connection was formed, those people might start to experience it.

Emma and Will spent about a week coming home from work and discussing what they each experienced when it came to attraction, desire, and the like. Will had never felt so close with his fiancée before. She was learning things about him that he’d thought would be obvious, such as how he did find many women around him in his life attractive, and that he enjoyed watching hot actresses in popular films, but these admissions of attraction to other women didn’t drive a wedge between them like he feared it might. It brought them closer, because for the first time Emma felt like she truly understood him. And similarly, in the opposite way, Emma explained how she had started feeling her sexual attraction toward Will even _before_ she’d gotten engaged to Ken, and how that had really confused her – how the only guy she’d ever felt tempted to kiss (or maybe, _one day_ , get naked with) was _taken._ (He had been married to Terri at the time.) So she’d put herself in situations where she just wasn’t happy. With Carl, she’d liked him as a person – liked him a lot more than Ken – but she couldn’t quite get to that point of feeling sexual attraction for him, no matter how hard she’d tried. She’d known he was conventionally attractive, so she’d convinced herself that she must be interested in him in the way that _all other women_ would be. (Straight women, at least.) But the truth was, she’d never wanted to have sex with him, and never even enjoyed kissing him. Will had felt so special to learn that _he_ somehow was the only guy who she actually yearned to kiss _more_ , not less.

 

* * *

 

_“What are you doing?” Will asked, wide eyed, a few days after their conversations on these topics had died down. They were in their bedroom, and Emma had just taken off her shirt. Slowly. Dare he think it? Sexily. She had revealed a lacy bra beneath._

_She smiled. “Come here,” she said, motioning with her fingers._

_He could feel her nervousness once he got within a foot or so of her, but he could tell it wasn’t a bad nervousness this time. It was… it was an excited nervousness. She reached over to him and started to pull off his T-shirt._

_“You want to take off my bra?” she breathed._

_Will noticed his jeans getting uncomfortably tight in the area where he was getting… erect. Nodding, he reached down her gorgeous, smooth back and loosened the clasp. The bra fell off of her body. For the first time ever he was seeing her breasts, her nipples, her entire upper body. It was… so much better than his imagination. He wanted to look into her eyes, and see if she was silently granting him permission to touch them. But before he could pull his gaze away from her chest, he noticed Emma’s head tilt down at the floor sharply, and that she seemed distracted. It was then that Will realized her OCD might not allow such disorganization of clothes on the carpet, even if it was only temporarily. Without missing a beat, he gently leaned down and picked up the bra by its strap. He tossed it over into the hamper on the other end of the room, proud of himself for having good enough aim, and then smiled at his soon-to-be wife._

_She smiled in reply, then stepped in toward him and gave him a passionate kiss._

 

* * *

 

That had been the beginning of them having a sex life, even if they didn’t take off their pants that evening, and didn’t have actual intercourse until the night of Nationals. Will had been understanding that it wasn’t only Emma’s demisexuality that had made her feelings toward sex so confusing. She had a germ phobia, in addition to obsessive-compulsive disorder, and the fact that most sexual acts involving the genitalia included sticky and messy fluids, everything from the lube itself to the idea of one person putting their mouth on the other one’s crotch… it had taken Emma some time to work up to a lot of the acts, and in the end she was never comfortable with oral sex, and she doubted she ever would be. Will was okay with that. He was just thrilled to be able to caress his wife’s body with his hands, to nibble on her bare skin, to orgasm inside her body, and to use his fingers to help her reach her own climax. He had been so worried about their future on that day she’d told him she fell on the asexual spectrum, but the truth was, as far as their relationship was concerned, Will rarely remembered that fact anymore. Jake’s conversation with Ryder had reminded him of Emma’s stories of how she’d felt being with other guys… but with Will, Emma was currently happy to make love on a regular basis. He smiled to himself as he finally left his classroom and headed to his car. He loved everything about his wife, including her demisexuality. It had helped shape her into who she was. And he wouldn’t have her any other way.


	2. Nothing Is Black and White

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Kurt’s point of view, and it spans (AU versions of) episodes 2x14 “Blame It on the Alcohol” through 3x05 “The First Time”, so yes, I’ve gone back in time a bit.  
> This is the longest chapter of the fic. It is over 6,000 words long when the typical average chapter in this fic is somewhere in the 3,500 word-range. Please be aware of that.

Kurt had been excited when he’d found out that Rachel would be hosting a party. He had blackmailed Finn into bringing him along, because Kurt was then able to invite the guy he had the hugest crush on. It was _supposed_ to have been a wonderful chance to introduce Blaine to all of his McKinley friends and bring both of his worlds together. Kurt had had no idea that Mercedes would end up being _right_ to call it ‘The Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza’. If he’d known, he would have _never_ invited his Warbler friend.

 _Whose idea had it been to play spin-the-bottle?_ Kurt couldn’t remember. But now, a kiss and a duet later, Blaine was sitting here in The Lima Bean saying that he honestly wanted to try going out on a date with _Rachel_. Blaine! The _only_ other openly gay guy he knew. _How could this be happening?_

“When we kissed, it... it felt good!” Blaine explained with a shrug.

Kurt had been there. _He’d_ been sober. He had been sitting uncomfortably close to their lip lock, and he was _well_ aware of how _into it_ Blaine had seemed. How he’d pulled his hand up into her hair and pulled her whole head closer to him. How he just kept kissing her for what felt like ages, until Kurt himself had interrupted them.

“It felt good because you were drunk,” Kurt replied, trying to talk Blaine out of this _stupid_ idea that Blaine might legitimately enjoy the experience of kissing a girl. That idea was too upsetting.

Kurt had kissed Brittany last year. Kurt knew _from personal experience_ that kissing a girl was no fun for a gay guy – at least not a sober one. Kurt remembered what it had felt like. He’d _pretended_ to enjoy something that for straight guys must be analogous to the experience of eating a delicious scoop of ice cream, but for him felt much more like licking an empty spoon. It was lackluster and maybe the sensation was interesting for a brief moment, since it had been a new experience, but before long, the novelty had worn off, and he legitimately felt like someone who just kept an empty spoon in their mouth for a ridiculous period of time, attempting to keep up the ruse that it had ever had ice cream on it in the first place.

Kurt was currently trying to convince himself that at the party, Blaine had been so drunk that Blaine would have legitimately seen something redeeming in eating air off of an empty spoon.

However, deep down, there was a part of Kurt that suspected that Blaine’s having been wasted at the time of the kiss might not be able to fully explain away how Blaine had _lingered_ in that kiss… and started to use tongue…

Blaine continued, “What’s the harm in going out on one crummy little date?”

“You’re gay, Blaine!” Kurt whispered harshly.

“I _thought_ I was, but… I’ve never even had a boyfriend before,” Blaine explained. “Isn’t this the time you’re supposed to… figure stuff out?”

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this right now,” Kurt muttered. He _needed_ Blaine to be gay like he was. He needed Blaine to find kissing a girl just as boring as he did. He needed there to be at least this _one_ guy in his life who was _like him_ in this significant way.

Blaine said, “Maybe I’m bi, I don’t know.”

Without even pausing to think, Kurt blurted out his reaction. “Bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to… hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change!”

 

* * *

 

That evening, Kurt would regret what he’d said. He’d hurt Blaine’s feelings, and they’d left things on a bad note: Blaine walking away, upset, leaving Kurt alone at the table.

The last words that Blaine said echoed in his head.

_“However confusing it might be for you, it’s actually a lot more confusing for me. You’re one-hundred percent sure who you are. Fantastic. Well, maybe we can’t all be so lucky.”_

Blaine had sounded so… hurt. Kurt had seen the shine of tears on his eyes, threatening to fall, but Blaine hadn’t allowed them to. And the worst part was Blaine was wrong. Kurt wasn’t one-hundred percent sure of _anything_.

 _If I am so definitely gay,_ Kurt thought, _then why, when I tried to look at gay porn, I couldn’t stop thinking about the actors as real people with families and about the weirdness of their tattoos and really about anything_ but _the… sex? Why does the idea of seeing two random men having sex with each other not turn me on, at all?_

Kurt was pretty sure he was gay, yes. He liked boys. He felt a rush of butterflies when he thought about a guy he had a crush on. He felt more comfortable in a flamboyant scarf than a baseball cap, and his iPod was filled with show tunes. His voice was an octave higher than the average straight guy’s. He was so obviously gay to the outside world. But sometimes, he felt like he was doing ‘being gay’ wrong. Sometimes… it didn’t feel like the label quite fit.

 

* * *

 

 

Soap bubbles surrounded Kurt as he, along with the rest of The Warblers, finished performing "Animal" by Neon Trees. Two female students from Crawford Country Day approached Blaine to give them their phone numbers, and he turned them down, telling them he was already dating someone else. Kurt pretended not to overhear as he dried off and began to comb his hair, which was a wet mess after that number. Kurt also pretended he was not filled with jealousy every time he was reminded that Blaine was dating Rachel.

Blaine parted ways with the girls, and then approached Kurt. “Are you okay? You kept making those weird faces the whole song.”

“Those weren’t weird faces,” Kurt clarified. “Those were my sexy faces.”

“It just looked like you were having… gas pains, or something.”

“Great. How are we supposed to get up on the stage at Regionals and sell sexy to the judges when I have as much sexual appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin?”

“We’ll figure something out,” Blaine assured him.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Kurt told Blaine, “I don’t know how to be sexy, because… I don’t know the first thing about sex.”

But it was more complicated than simple ignorance of the facts. As Blaine attempted to impart some of his wisdom about sex, Kurt shut him down and prevented him from going into any details at all. Blaine’s budding relationship with Rachel hadn’t even crossed Kurt’s mind, and it also wasn’t that Kurt didn’t want to know about Blaine’s fantasies. It was more that Kurt didn’t want to think about anyone’s penis right now. He assumed one day his feelings would change, but Kurt was only seventeen years old – a junior in high school. Couldn’t he just remain a kid for a little while longer? He tried to pretend he didn’t know that when Quinn and Puck were _fifteen_ they’d quite obviously been ready for sex. He tried to pretend that there weren’t teenagers all around him every day, including Blaine right in front of him at the moment, who were _all_ so much more… mature in this area of life.

For a while now, Kurt had been feeling content to jerk off in the privacy of his bedroom before he went to sleep. Some nights he didn’t do it at all. Some nights… it was more like “cleaning the plumbing” – boring, and just something where Kurt went through the motions and then was done with it. But other times, Kurt _did_ enjoy the experience of pleasuring himself. He still wasn’t exactly longing for the time when he would get to explore his sexuality with a partner. But alone? That was sometimes kind of fun.

Last year, when he’d developed a crush for the first time in his life, his mind had started focusing on the idea of his not-yet-stepbrother shirtless. Finn had been so nice to him, when no other guy in school had, and Kurt had suddenly found his masturbating ritual to be more enjoyable, because he was actively imagining Finn’s chest, and how muscular it’d look from afar, and what it’d be like to see so much of his skin, the letterman jacket and football jersey all stripped away. Sometimes he’d even imagine the motion of Finn taking off the layers of clothing, slowly, like he was putting on a sexy show just for Kurt.

Then Finn had moved in briefly, into a shared basement bedroom with Kurt, and Kurt had actually gotten a chance to replace his imagined vision with an actual memory of what Finn’s upper body looked like unclothed. It was a bit less exciting than his imagination, if he was being honest with himself. And the next thing Kurt knew, Burt had kicked Finn and Carole out of their house – all four members of their blended family _vividly_ remembered the whole “faggy lamp” fiasco.

Kurt had resolved, that awful night, to stop fantasizing about Finn in a sexual way – and it ended up being surprisingly easy for Kurt to stick to that. By the time their parents’ wedding happened, when Finn had hugged Kurt on the dance floor, it had merely felt brotherly. It had felt wonderful, intimate even, to be embraced by him. But it had felt like a completely platonic intimacy. Simply a deep friendship. Kurt had moved past crushing on Finn.

This year, however, Kurt had found a new crush. It had been just a couple of weeks prior to the wedding when he’d met him. Blaine had touched Kurt’s hand, and held it, and pulled Kurt toward a beautiful a cappella performance of “Teenage Dream”. That touch had sent a pulse of electricity through his whole body.

And so, for the past few months now, ever since he’d met Blaine… any time he masturbated, Kurt’s mind would wander more into the _sensual_ territory – anything having to do with physical touch. Kurt’s mind would fill with the thought of being close enough to breathe in Blaine’s scent, to maybe feel the softness of his un-gelled hair, to feel how wonderfully firm his biceps must be… to maybe feel Blaine’s fingertips or tongue on his torso, heading downward, in that direction… but there was always that distinctly _sexual_ component that wasn’t quite there in Kurt’s fantasies, even as Kurt felt a sexual release those evenings, alone with his thoughts as his fantasies concluded. The rush of endorphins felt amazing, better than ever, now that he was imagining so much more than he’d ever dared to before. But still, he wasn’t quite imagining _everything_.

He tried to articulate his feelings. “I like _romance_. That’s why I like Broadway musicals. Because… the touch of the fingertips is as sexy as it gets.”

But Blaine… didn’t understand.

A couple of days later, Kurt’s dad sat him down, and forced him into having “The Talk”. Luckily, his father didn’t talk about the mechanics, and instead asked him to read some pamphlets. Kurt could handle that. He _would_ actually read them, and try to absorb all of the information. Kurt was actually kind of curious to understand a bit more. Sex was confusing and in many ways, an intriguing mystery… and learning more would probably be good.

Kurt wasn’t ready, however, for what his father said next.

“Now for most guys, sex is just, you know, it’s this thing we always want to do.” Burt shrugged and acted like it was the most obvious statement in the world. “You know, it’s fun, it feels great, but… we’re not really thinking too much about, you know, how it makes us feel on the inside, or… you know, how the other person feels about it.”

Kurt got the distinct feeling that he wasn’t like the average guy. That maybe he was more like the average girl? Maybe? He’d always had a… feminine side to him.

“Women are different?” he asked hesitantly, wondering if his father might have any insights.

“Only because they get that it’s about something more than just the physical. You know, when you’re intimate with somebody in… _that way_ , you’re… exposing yourself. You know, you’re- you’re never gonna be more vulnerable! And that scares the hell out of a lot of guys. Believe me, I can’t tell you how many buddies I’ve got who have gotten in way too deep with a girl who said she was cool with just hooking up….”

“But that’s not gonna happen to me, Dad,” Kurt tried to counter. He didn’t feel like this line of ‘advice’ really felt appropriate for his own situation.

“No,” Burt agreed. “It’s gonna be worse. Okay? Because it’s two guys. With two guys, you’ve got two people who think that sex is just sex.”

Kurt carefully considered that idea. Could he be the type of guy his father was describing? _Maybe._ Kurt wasn’t sure.

“It’s gonna be easier to come by,” Burt continued, “and once you start doing this stuff, you’re not gonna want to stop.”

But Kurt already knew, somewhere subconsciously, that his sex drive wasn’t ever going to be quite that high.

 

* * *

 

 

Pavarotti died, and Kurt found himself in tears, however stupid it might be to be sad over a bird. He sang a tribute, interrupting The Warblers’ Regionals preparations.

Blaine later surprised him by wanting Kurt himself to join him for a duet during the competition. Kurt was grieving the canary, but he also was now very excited for their upcoming performance. He was filled with a mix of confusingly different emotions.

Kurt was extremely unprepared for what would happen next. Blaine came up to him while he was decorating the casket. Blaine started to explain that Rachel couldn’t stop talking about Finn, and that she had been trying to write some original songs for Regionals but she couldn’t talk about it with _him_ , because he was the competition. So, she was spending time with her ex instead.

“And… your girlfriend hanging out with my step-brother is making you… jealous?” Kurt asked, cautiously.

“Well, that’s the thing,” Blaine replied. “Not really! In fact, I just… I don’t think my relationship with Rachel is… is what is right for either of us at this point in our lives.”

“Because you’re competing against each other?” Kurt asked, unsure. It couldn’t be because Blaine was really gay, could it? He tried not to hope for that.

“No,” Blaine said with a light chuckle. “Because… because she’s _not_ over your brother, _clearly,_ and I’m… I’ve fallen for someone else.”

Kurt’s eyes went wide. “Really?” His voice became small. “Who?”

Blaine pursed his lips, and then smiled. “Kurt, there is a moment… when you say to yourself, ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever.’” Blaine placed his hand on Kurt’s. “Watching you do _Blackbird_ this week, that was a moment for me, about you. You move me, Kurt.”

Before Kurt had a chance to really comprehend what Blaine was saying, Blaine had leaned in for a kiss, and Kurt was amazed by how wonderful it felt. His whole body felt alive. It was… a better first _real_ kiss than Kurt could have ever dreamed of. When they parted, Kurt was grinning from ear to ear.

 

* * *

 

 

The song _Dancing Queen_ was still on a loop in Kurt’s head. He hesitantly took off the crown from his head, not wanting his dad to see it. He and Blaine were in Kurt’s car. They’d just parked in the driveway to the Hudson-Hummel home.

Kurt was feeling _even more_ courageous than he’d felt on that fateful day when he’d chased Karofsky into the locker room. There was this feeling of bravery seeping out of his pores! He turned to look at Blaine, his heart beating fast from the adrenaline.

His Junior Prom had not been what he’d wanted it to be. Instead of being a night full of joy, the entire junior class had participated in a massive prank where the kilt-wearing Kurt was the butt of the joke, but in the end, somehow it had turned into a good memory. A _great_ memory.

He’d gotten a first dance with Blaine. He’d essentially said _fuck you_ to the entire school. He was, as he had always been and would continue to be, _proud_ to be who he was.

He was so undeniably gay. He _was_ a _queen_ , if people wanted to call him that. He was a _fairy_ , a _queer_ , all of the derogatory names you could throw at him. That was his truth. Kurt was dating a boy. He regularly enjoyed make-out sessions with that boy. The whole school knew it, and they knew he was gay… and they would have to deal with it, because Kurt had returned to McKinley and he was there to stay.

From the driver’s seat, Kurt turned to look at Blaine. “So… do you still consider yourself bi?” he asked, the bravery of the night allowing him to finally ask what had been on his mind for a while now. He just needed to know the truth.

Taken aback, his boyfriend hesitated. “Um… well, yeah.” He sounded scared, like this wasn’t the answer Kurt wanted to hear. Blaine wasn’t entirely wrong to think that. Kurt found himself wishing Blaine was gay, just like he was.

“Okay,” Kurt said. “So… what does that mean?” he then asked softly. “I mean… tonight, at the dance, all those girls were wearing… ‘sexy’ dresses, weren’t they?”

Blaine looked down toward the crown which was now resting on Kurt’s lap, Kurt’s hand gripping it gently. Without making eye contact, Blaine answered, “I guess. Sure, I found some of the girls… attractive. But I also feel that way about some of the guys!” he defensively added.

Kurt tried to make sense of what he was hearing. It was just so difficult. Especially since Kurt hadn’t thought that anyone else at the dance looked ‘hot’ – hadn’t thought anyone else looked attractive in _that_ way. Obviously everyone looked amazing, from a ‘fashion’ point of view, but… he’d just felt _that_ for Blaine.

“So you’re… you’re interested in both guys and girls,” Kurt said with resignation.

“Why does it matter?” Blaine asked.

“I don’t know,” Kurt said. “I’m just… confused.”

“It’s pretty simple. You’re the person I want to be with. No one else. I would never… cheat on you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Right,” Kurt replied, his tone sincerely trusting. “But… but won’t you be curious, _eventually,_ to find out what being with a girl is like? Won’t you want to break up with me so that you can… test how it’d feel? I mean you and Rachel… you didn’t date for very long.”

Blaine considered the question, but only for a moment. Then he answered with conviction, “No, I won’t be. I _did_ try being with a girl. We didn’t date for long because… well, you know why. I’m happy with _you_. You’re all I need.”

Kurt was a little surprised by the sincerity in Blaine’s tone. When Blaine said it, he found he couldn’t help but believe it. The worry that had been weighing on him began to lift. He shot his boyfriend a genuine smile. “Okay,” he said.

“Are we good?” Blaine asked, nervously.

Kurt nodded. “We’re great. Thank you, Blaine. For everything.”

 

* * *

 

Kurt had the best summer of his life. He spent very few days alone. He and Blaine hung out all the time: there were double dates with Finn and Rachel, road trips to the city, even going to some of the parties those rich Dalton kids would sometimes host – which Blaine would always be invited to. Kurt was more than happy to be his plus-one; it was his entrance into a world of popularity, which for years had been denied to him. Kurt even met Blaine’s parents one night, at a casual dinner in their house. They had been curious to meet the boy who had been making their son so happy lately. The food wasn’t very good, as apparently Blaine’s mom wasn’t much of a cook – but the experience was amazing all the same.

Sometimes, when Finn was busy with Rachel at her house, and Burt and Carole were both working, Kurt and Blaine had the Hudson-Hummel home to themselves. They would kiss passionately on the couch while they pretended to watch a movie. By July, the boys got more adventurous and the pretense of a film wasn’t necessary. They even felt comfortable enough, by the end of the summer, to – when the house was empty – go into Kurt’s bedroom and make out on his bed. Sometimes, they even removed each other’s shirts. The intimacy was exhilarating. Blaine’s bare chest was so sexy, and provided so much fodder for Kurt’s masturbation fantasies later those evenings, long after Blaine had gone home.

Summer ended, and school started. Blaine decided to transfer to McKinley, much to Kurt’s delight. Time hanging out at each other’s houses became less frequent, because they had too much homework, especially Kurt with his senior year course load, and because they saw each other in Glee Club every day anyway, and also at lunch most days of the week.

One day at the end of September, when school had only been back in session for about a month, Brittany approached Kurt at his locker. She complimented his outfit and started off being really nice. Kurt was flattered, although he hoped she hadn’t missed the memo that he was gay, and dating someone monogamously. In his opinion, his experiment dating her a year-a-half prior had been a major disaster. Brittany couldn’t be further from his type.

She then proceeded to tell him a terrifying story about unicorns, and was trying to tell Kurt that he was a unicorn himself, and he wasn’t sure what her point was at first, but eventually he understood. She wanted him to run for class president, and wanted to help get him elected. Brittany thought he was worthy of the title, and again, he was quite flattered. He also quickly became excited at the idea. She already knew where he lived, and she was going to come over after school so that they could work on campaign posters together.

However, a few hours before that could happen, Mr. Schue made some announcements. Kurt found out he’d be required to attend a “booty camp” to work on his dancing skills, and Kurt also learned that the school musical this year, _West Side Story_ , would not be directed by Mr. Schue, but rather by the man’s girlfriend – the guidance counselor – in addition to Coach Beiste, and Artie. Those three people also would be in charge of judging the auditions later that week. Kurt immediately thought about how he’d love to be the lead in the musical – not only for college applications, but because he genuinely thought he could do it well. Who didn’t want to play the role of Tony in such a classic, tragic musical which had its actual roots in Shakespeare?

Kurt spent an hour or so designing a poster for his class president campaign. He spent the majority of that hour thinking about what his _West Side Story_ audition performance would be, since this type of artwork came second nature to him. Then, when the design was finished, he printed out the black-and-white poster at the local Kinko’s. He was ready for Brittany when she arrived at the Hudson-Hummel home; what he wasn’t ready for was the fact that she was wearing a unicorn horn and mane, and was carrying a large black bag made out of what he hoped was _fake_ animal fur. Kurt ushered her up into his bedroom, where she proceeded to show him all of the contents. There were various pink posters, a lot of rainbows, glitter, and more pink, and suddenly Kurt felt overwhelmed. It was all too… _gay_. He didn’t want to be known as ‘ _Kurt Hummel: Homo’_. He realized Brittany wasn’t going to be able to help get him elected. There was no way the student body was going to elect someone who was so gay that it was all Brittany even noticed about him. He _needed_ to get the lead in the school musical, because he needed _something_ impressive to put on his NYADA application, and being class president just seemed… way too unlikely.

Getting the lead in the musical soon proved to be very unlikely too, unfortunately. He’d thought his audition had gone well, but when he spied on what the two women and Artie were saying about him, he began to realize he was also too gay for what he’d thought was an industry _filled_ with gay men. He was too gay for the acting roles he wanted to be given a chance to play. He seemed destined to be relegated to a minor part, like his skill at singing and dancing didn’t matter; all that mattered was his inability to pass as straight.

He tried to prove to Miss Pillsbury, Coach Beiste, and Artie that he could be Romeo. Deep down, Kurt knew he had been trying to prove it to himself, too. But that attempt failed miserably, with everyone – even Rachel, the Juliet to his Romeo – laughing at him when he went in for a kiss. He left the auditorium in tears, feeling utterly broken.

“The problem is that if I want to be an actor, I have to pass as straight to get the great romantic roles,” Kurt tried to explain to his dad. “And I want those roles. Every actor does. But… to not get a shot at it. I mean, it kills me. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but no one’s really looking for a Kurt Hummel type to play opposite Kate Hudson in a rom-com.”

“Kurt,” Burt replied, “I say if they’re not writing movies and plays for performers like you, then you gotta start writing your own. Come on, man, you’re awesome! Change the rules; write your own history.”

Kurt remembered what Brittany had told him earlier that week. _“A unicorn is somebody who knows they’re magical and isn’t afraid to show it.”_

“I’m just tired of being a unicorn, Dad.”

“You know what they call a unicorn without a horn?” his father asked, rhetorically. “A freakin’ horse.”

Kurt smiled. Maybe, one day he _would_ write a musical so that gay guys like him didn’t have to pass as straight to get a role they really wanted. Maybe, if he ever did get into NYADA, he could take a playwriting class and test out his skills.

Kurt couldn’t quite shake this idea that his dad had planted in his head. He put it in the back of his mind, like it was a seed, and prepared to let it sit for a while and see if it’d grow.

 

* * *

 

Kurt couldn’t lie to himself; it hurt when Blaine was cast as Tony instead of him, despite Blaine only being a junior. But Kurt tried to embrace his role of Officer Krupke, and to be as supportive as possible of his boyfriend. He was genuinely happy for him, after all. And Blaine and Rachel seemed genuinely happy in their respective romantic relationships, so Kurt was surprisingly able to avoid feelings of jealousy, even when he thought of how much time they were spending together after school, sometimes even stage-kissing. He _knew_ Blaine only wanted to be with him.

The week of the musical came, and it sold out _five whole days_ before opening night. Blaine seemed stressed out, wanting everything to be perfect. Kurt was needed at some of the rehearsals, but his presence wasn’t required at all of them. However, regardless of if he had stayed for hours after school with his boyfriend and the other leads on any particular day, Kurt would still always come over to Blaine’s house after the rehearsal in order to help Blaine get in some _extra_ practice with his lines. When they were done, Kurt being there also usually helped Blaine to relax. They’d let loose and dance in silly and unstructured ways with fun music blaring from Blaine’s high-fidelity speakers. Then they’d kiss. S _ometimes_ Kurt would even borrow Blaine’s kitchen and cook something fun with Blaine’s help, and after that, they’d enjoy the meal together.

One evening, just a few days before the opening night of their show, Blaine explained that Artie had raised an _interesting_ point. In his role as director of the musical, Artie had turned to both Blaine and Rachel and then asked, “How do you expect to convey the human experience to an audience, when you haven’t even opened yourself up to one of humanity’s most basic and primal ones?”

Blaine thought that maybe their friend’s concern was valid. “I mean, maybe we don’t need to keep waiting.”

Kurt felt intrigued at the prospect of sex with his boyfriend. He couldn’t lie. He kind of _had_ felt the urge to… explore each other’s bodies below the belt. Actually, he’d felt that urge on many occasions. Kurt’s curiosity had been building for a while now. But Kurt took too long to respond.

“Whatever we do, I want to make sure that you’re comfortable,” Blaine assured him, noticing his boyfriend’s silence. “So _I_ can be comfortable.”

Kurt smiled.

 

* * *

 

Things became complicated on Wednesday afternoon because of Sebastian.

Kurt met him for the first time when he saw the teenager in a Dalton uniform sitting at a table with Blaine. Sebastian seemed way too into Blaine for Kurt’s taste, both in The Lima Bean and later at Scandals, which Sebastian had invited the couple out to. However, the night ended with Blaine dancing with Kurt, both of them avoiding drinking much, and the pair driving home together, happily. Blaine did seem to be flattered by Sebastian’s interest in him, and Kurt couldn’t help but think that maybe if his boyfriend was single he would’ve taken him up on his request to grind on the dance floor. But as it was, Blaine and Kurt had an exciting time in their first ever trip to a gay bar. Sebastian seemed to find a way to have a good time too, dancing and making out with a stranger he’d likely just met that night.

Later, after Kurt and Blaine were back at Blaine’s house, Blaine asked Kurt something Kurt hadn’t been expecting.

“Do you want to spend the night?”

Kurt considered the proposition for a moment. He wondered what that request… implied.

“I know your parents are out of town, canvassing for your dad’s campaign. You said Finn was having Rachel over, and well, my dad is away on business and my mom’s at a spa weekend. So… this could be a great chance for us to… be alone. All night.”

Kurt tried not to think about what Finn and Rachel were likely doing, or how Blaine might be rushing this because he wanted to lose his virginity before _West Side Story_ ’s opening night.

Kurt instead focused on what mattered. That Blaine seemed to legitimately want to… go into _uncharted territory_ with him. Kurt realized just how much he wanted to as well.

“I’d love to spend the night,” Kurt finally answered, the corners of his mouth twitching into a hint of a smile.

Blaine beamed.

 

* * *

 

They spent a few hours that evening exploring each other’s bodies. With their mouths _and_ with their fingers. They didn’t use condoms because there was no risk of STDs, not with them both being virgins – Kurt trusted Blaine and figured why not get the full experience. Blaine gave Kurt a blow job, and then Kurt decided to try out being a bottom, so Blaine proceeded to find the lube stashed in his older brother’s bedroom. Kurt thought that he could see how he felt about being a top someday in the near future, but tonight, right here, right now, Blaine barebacking him… it was everything Kurt could’ve dreamed of. Turning around and seeing Blaine’s face right after he orgasmed… Kurt couldn’t be happier for his partner. For his _lover_. The blow job was Kurt’s only orgasm of the night, but it was probably the best orgasm he’d ever experienced in his life. _Maybe my dad was right_ , he thought. _Maybe now that I’ve started having sex, I’ll never want to stop._

They went to school the next morning exhausted, having stayed up way too late, lying naked in bed, holding each other, talking quietly about the sex they’d just had, and how they’d felt about it. It was Thursday, and Blaine told Kurt in the afternoon that maybe they should spend this last day before the show apart, because they both needed to be well-rested for the show on Friday. Kurt agreed, even though he could probably play the part of Officer Krupke in his sleep. He still wanted to be wide awake enough to appreciate every moment of Blaine’s performance as Tony. Blaine was going to kill it; he had no doubt.

 

* * *

 

A few weeks later, Kurt found himself feeling much less enthusiastic about sex with his boyfriend. One day, Blaine said his parents would be busy until late, so maybe in the afternoon they could be intimate again in his bedroom, but Kurt turned him down. Blaine was visibly disappointed. Kurt tried to soften the blow and fibbed. “My dad needs me to help out in the shop today, that’s all. Otherwise, I’d love to come over.” Blaine didn’t seem to really buy it.

Kurt had turned him down because they’d just had sex three days prior, and it felt way too soon. Kurt was beginning to realize that his sex drive would never be able to keep up with Blaine’s. He wondered if there was something wrong with him. He was a teenage boy who felt like there was such a thing as too much sex. In his opinion, sex only four days apart was too frequent. Kurt still had absolutely no desire to view porn, and although orgasms were fun and all, they weren’t the only thing in life that were enjoyable. He’d loved his first time with Blaine, and his second time a week later… but what he loved more was naked cuddling, for hours, and feeling safe and loved and happy with Blaine in his arms.

After finishing reading his English class assignment, and also completing his Pre-Calc homework, Kurt decided to open up a web browser and search for an answer to his problem.

 _‘My boyfriend wants to have sex way more than me,’_ he typed into the search bar. He had a list of other search terms he was considering. Things about _low sex drive_ , or _does anyone in the world prefer_ _cuddling and kissing to sex?,_ or _does sex stop being as fun once the novelty of the new experience wears off?_ He could adjust the search in a myriad of ways, if the results for this first search didn’t prove to be satisfying.

However, the results ended up being exactly what he was looking for. He didn’t even have to scroll down very far before some posts about _asexuality_ caught his eye. He had never heard of that before.

The definition didn’t feel like it fit him quite right, but he still felt somehow comforted to learn that there were asexual people – including asexual men! – in the world. That not all men were the same, when it came to sexual desire. After reading a few different definitions on a few different web sites, he noticed a footnote.

 

_If asexuality sounds close, but not quite correct for your experiences, you might want to look into the related ace-spectrum identities, gray-asexuality and demisexuality._

 

Kurt noticed that the relevant words were hyperlinked, and he quickly clicked through to learn more about people who were gray-a. He clicked and clicked and stayed up way too late surfing the web on the computer in his bedroom, drinking in all of the new information, never having realized before just how thirsty for it he had been.

The next morning, he was pretty sure he fit the definition for being a homoromantic gray-ace. That he could still be a gay guy, romantically and sometimes-sexually attracted only to men and not to women… but a different type of gay man than Sebastian. That guy was clearly _not_ on the asexuality spectrum, while Kurt, most likely, was. Kurt’s worldview was shifting. He was beginning to see the concept of romance in a drastically different light.


	3. Having a Love Life Can Be Overrated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Beiste’s point of view. It is the third-longest chapter of the fic, clocking in at 4,105 words. It contains the only graphic dubious consent scene of the fic, and it starts with an AU version of episodes 3x05 “The First Time” (with references to a few season 2 episodes and to Beiste’s earlier life – the time prior to her introduction on Glee). The chapter ends sometime prior to 3x10 “Yes/No”. 
> 
> Also, please note, for the sake of my fic, Beiste is not trans. I will consider her someone who feels like she is a girl/woman deep down, because her character has had many quotes to support that in seasons 2 and 3. I fully support trans characters in general, but I had ideas for this fic for a long time, long before season 6 aired, and I’d always planned on including Beiste as a woman in the fic. I will, however, be including the trans character of Unique in a significant way later on, and her being transgender is very relevant to certain scenes, so just know that the fic will have some trans representation, even if none of the four ace characters are transgender. One of the aces may be non-binary though… you’ll have to keep reading to see. Anyway… here goes. Enjoy chapter 3.

Last year, when Shannon had found out that the boys on her football team had been imagining her in lingerie as a way to “cool off” when making out with their girlfriends, she had been _so_ hurt. She’d been honest when she told Will, a few hours after that, that she _wasn’t_ gay. People might think she looked like a stereotypical butch lesbian, and maybe she acted like one too, given her intense love of football and other sports… but the truth was, she had never felt attracted to a woman. Not even once. All the stereotypes could go to heck, as far as she was concerned.

For quite a few of her forty years on the planet, Shannon hadn’t really thought much about her status as a single woman, and hadn’t tried very hard at dating. Regardless, three years ago when she’d first joined Facebook, without even a second thought she had checked the ‘interested in men’ box. Ever since she was a little girl, when she’d leave her sister alone with some Barbie dolls and instead find some neighborhood boys to play with, she had loved boys. She’d felt comfortable around them. She had a lot of interests in common with them. However, she didn’t want to _be_ one of them. She remembered how much she’d wanted them to respect that she was _a normal girl_. She’d always desired that they _understand_ how she would never be able to relate to the conversation turning into how much one wanted to see a girl naked, because she _wasn’t_ a boy the way they all were. Shannon didn’t always get everything she’d wanted. One particularly painful memory that stuck with her was how they’d _laughed_ when she left her house in a dress. She’d been on her way to attend her aunt’s wedding. But at least those boys had always been nicer to her than _girls_ ever were.

Growing up, her sister was the only girl who was ever nice to Shannon. Lori was only a year older than her. It was true that Lori had always been overweight, as everyone in the Beiste family seemed genetically inclined to be, but regardless Lori was so much prettier than Shannon – at least, in Shannon’s own biased opinion – and somehow Lori always had managed to weigh about fifteen pounds less than Shannon. Lori had Sally, a _female_ best friend, and Shannon was sometimes jealous of the fact that Lori fit in so much more naturally with her fellow girls at school. During Lori’s senior year of high school, Lori was asked to the homecoming dance, and that boy with whom she attended the event – Johnny – ended up becoming her boyfriend for the majority of the year.

Shannon had found herself wishing, _desperately_ , that one day, a boy would consider her beautiful in the same way Lori had been considered beautiful by Johnny. But that never happened. Shannon was _never_ asked out. Sometimes, Shannon would be told by her guy friends that they had forgotten she was a girl at all. It never felt like a compliment – especially not when all of the people who _weren’t_ her friends so easily remembered her female status, and proceed to bully her every day in a gendered way. They’d call her a cow, a fuckin’ dyke, and many other much more creatively cruel phrases, such as the alliterative ‘bitch the size of a building’. Shannon would spend every night dreaming of the day when _just one person_ wouldn’t act personally offended by how fat she was, or maybe by some miracle wouldn’t even find her ugly at all.

Her parents always had comforted her, telling her stories about one day, when she was all grown up, with a husband and children. She’d let herself believe that in her future she _would_ actually get to experience those rites of passage in her life. For as far back as she could remember there was a part of Shannon that longed for a guy who might find her attractive, or at the very least, wouldn’t care about looks. A part of Shannon who wanted all of those stories her parents had told her to finally come true.

However, decades passed by, and before she knew it Shannon Beiste was forty years old, and much less attractive than she’d been in her twenties. As she grew older, remaining single year after year, she realized she had been stupid to even _dare_ to keep dreaming of that guy. An unknown but likely _quite high_ number of teenage boys in Ohio had giggled and gossiped over the obvious truth that Coach Beiste was a woman no man would _ever_ fantasize about being with.

_“I’ve never been kissed, Will! It’s the simplest thing: a kiss. It’s the doorway to everything else: promise, hope, a future with someone! What does that say about me?”_

A year had passed since the horrifying incident with her players’ non-fantasies, and now the still never-been-kissed Shannon was admitting to a high school boy that she _kind of had a crush_ on a certain recruiter for Ohio State. She tried to explain that there was no way in a million years he’d be interested in her, and therefore the crush didn’t _matter_ , but Artie had asked, so she had decided to tell him the truth. And honestly? Wanting guys to like her had proven to be a difficult habit to break out of.

Shannon could barely admit _to herself_ that a large part of the reason she cried over Blaine and Rachel’s performance of “Tonight” every single time they rehearsed was that it made her imagine all of the ‘what ifs’. What if Cooter Menkins, when he had said, “You’re a hell of a coach, Coach,” had _purposely_ made her feel all fluttery inside with that compliment? What if, when he’d mentioned that he had an Applebee’s gift certificate last week, what he had actually wanted was to use it to take her out on a real _date_? What if he would’ve been just as nervous as she would’ve been? What if her feelings for him _weren’t_ so one-sided? What if, like the lyrics of the showtune, he was dreaming of her too and a miracle really was about to happen?

A couple of days later, on Wednesday, Cooter interrupted her dumbbell workout routine with flowers that _weren’t_ for a graveyard and to actually ask her out on ‘a real honest-to-God sit down date’, where he wanted her to dress up like a lady while he’d dress up like a gentleman. At that moment, her heart shattered, because she was so sure this man she had grown so fond of was _just like_ the countless _awful_ people she’d met in her life. He _must_ have been screwing with her, the way even Will and Sue – people who she knew now had the capability to be surprisingly kind – had screwed with her when Shannon had first been hired. Tears welled in her eyes and her voice cracked a bit as she tried to ask him why he was doing something so cruel. He insisted he was being sincere, and requested an explanation for why she couldn’t believe it was a genuine, kind proposal. Cooter then left her with the flowers, pushed himself up off the bench, and insisted that Friday, after the game, they _really would_ go on a date.

Shannon spent all day Thursday, and Friday before the game, stressing over her impending date with _Cooter Menkins_. Of all of the men to ask her out! He was such a funny and kind guy. He was charming and could have any woman he wanted. Why would he possibly be interested in her?

She’d only ever been on two dates in her life. The first one had been legitimately traumatic. It had been a few days before her high school graduation, and as one last senior prank before most of the kids never saw each other again, a couple of boys had dared this friend of theirs to ask her out. She’d had such high hopes for that first date. She’d put on a dress, borrowed her mother’s diamond earrings, and got picked up at her house for dinner and a movie. But then the guy – his name was George – had refused to pay for her dinner, saying she’d “ordered enough food for an army”, and giggling a little as he said it. She tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, and hope maybe he wasn’t laughing at her. She’d pulled out some cash from her purse, and proceeded to let him drive her to the cinema. However, as soon as they got their seats, George had said he was going to quickly stop in the restroom.

He never returned.

Shannon was so embarrassed. She sat through the whole movie alone, and then called her mother from a payphone in the lobby, lying and saying George’s car had broken down and he was going to catch a ride home with a friend. She barely managed to hold back her tears as she sat in the passenger’s seat beside her mother, and as soon as she was back in her house, she ran into her bedroom and proceeded to sob into her pillow. She only found out _days_ later – on graduation day, a day that was supposed to be full of only happy memories and celebration – that it hadn’t simply been a date abandoning her, but rather a childish dare with multiple other kids involved, a cruel prank played entirely at her expense.

Luckily, the adult world was somewhat nicer to Shannon. Instead of being asked out by guys who weren’t interested, for the most part men ignored her. She was asked out by a woman once, who she quickly turned down without much of a thought, feeling an odd combination of flattered to be genuinely wanted by someone, and also offended that she was _that_ ‘obviously’ a lesbian in even an actual lesbian’s eyes. Was _this_ why not a single guy had ever sincerely asked her out? She knew she was quite a specific ‘type’, but she’d never thought she sent out “women only” type vibes!

Her second date ever ended up being when she’d showed up at an _Ohioans Over 30_ speed dating event – the guy had ended up being interested in her, genuinely, but only as a wrestling partner, not as a romantic partner, she realized. It wasn’t as terrible as it could’ve been, she supposed, but it was clear they were looking for very different things in a relationship, and she’d been quite disappointed to find that despite having attempted to date two different people in her life, and despite being 33 years old at that point, she _still_ had never experienced a kiss.

It had been eight years now since that fiasco, and she was trying to be as optimistic as possible about what her evening with Cooter would entail. He’d already brought her flowers when he was asking her out, which was the most romantic thing a guy had ever done for her. The evening was bound to be romantic too! Plus, thinking long-term, they at least had a passion for football in common. They’d already successfully had quite a few conversations! Maybe, if she was extraordinarily lucky, Cooter would be the first guy she’d go on a _second_ date with! She tried not to get too ahead of herself, and waited, a bit impatiently, for Friday night to arrive.

It was only on Friday morning that she remembered their planned date on this particular Friday night was going to be a problem.

After the game, Shannon approached Cooter, nervously.

“Hey,” she said casually, hiding most of her apprehension. “So, I know you wanted to go on a date tonight, but as I think I mentioned once, I’m a co-director for the school’s musical this year, and the first performance is tonight. So unless you wanted to go to that as our date, we probab-”

Cooter cut her off. “That sounds perfect. I would love to be your date to the opening night of that play. What was it again? _West Side Story_?”

Shannon blushed, literally tickled pink that he wouldn’t mind a high school musical being their first date. She nodded in order to confirm that was indeed the name of the play, and he reached out and took her hand, not seeming to care at all that she hadn’t even changed out of her coach uniform.

They headed straight toward the auditorium.

With their hands still holding onto each other’s, Shannon beamed, proud to be recognized in this moment by a few parents, students, and faculty in the audience. People she’d met would see that she wasn’t a lonely old spinster but rather did, clearly, have some kind of a love life. Emma nudged Will when she noticed Shannon, and the happy couple took in the sight of their friend on a date, and shot her a smile. Shannon didn’t even notice them, so consumed with her own excitement and happiness. She just hoped Cooter would enjoy the musical, and that maybe she could avoid shedding any embarrassing tears when she heard Blaine and Rachel sing that one particular duet.

At the end of the night, Shannon was relieved that her date had found her emotional investment in the music and plot endearing; she was so grateful to not be criticized for crying. She was actually in good company with her tears – the conclusion of the musical was so heartbreaking, there was hardly a dry eye in the house.

Cooter waited patiently for Shannon as she congratulated all of the student performers. The two of them lingered back at the school until most of the other cars had left the parking lot, passing the time by talking about how impressed they were with the amateur production, and then, in the moonlight, Cooter reached out and touched Shannon’s face, and then gently pressed his lips against hers. Shannon found her eyes glistening with fresh tears all over again, but unlike the ones she’d shed at the end of the show, these were accompanied by a lightness in her chest. A pure and true happiness.

 

* * *

 

Shannon was surprised by how quickly her relationship with Cooter progressed, but she couldn’t have been more thrilled. Three weeks after that first date, she had lost count of how many evenings they spent either at his place or hers, of how many meals they’d shared, of even how many times they’d chastely kissed before parting ways at night.

She didn’t want to consider themselves ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ officially, because those seemed like such childish terms, and she felt at least a decade too old for them. Maybe some other forty-one-year-old women were fine with the term. Some of her co-workers at McKinley, such as Emma and Will who were both in their thirties, seemed fine with that nomenclature. But Shannon felt so awkward with the terminology. She couldn’t possibly be someone’s ‘girlfriend’, or call Cooter something that implied ‘boy’! It felt off, somehow; wrong. At the same time, she couldn’t help but feel young all over again when in Cooter’s presence.

She intellectually knew the next step would be an evening in bed together, a ‘first time’ which was something _girls_ tended to go through, rather than _women_ , but Shannon tried not to think much about that particular inevitability, focusing instead on enjoying each moment as it happened in the present. She let Cooter set the pace, since he was so much more experienced than her. But then the time for that next step arrived when Shannon was not expecting it. She couldn’t ignore the reality of it any longer.

They were sitting on Cooter’s couch on a late Saturday afternoon, the college football game they’d been watching having just concluded, when Cooter shut off the television with the remote and then turned toward Shannon.

“Let’s make love,” he said softly, seductively – cutting right to the chase. His fingers grazed hers lightly.

Shannon’s eyes went wide. Cooter didn’t notice her reaction, though, as at that moment his eyes were fixated somewhere lower on her person. Was he really taking in the sight of her tits? Or maybe – imagining her pants off? _What was he doing?_ Shannon barely had time to internally panic. Before she knew it, he was taking her hand in his and guiding her up off the couch, away from the living room, and into the bedroom on the other side of his one-floor house.

“I know you don’t think you are, but you’re so darn sexy,” Cooter commented, glancing up and down her body, which was clothed casually. He sat down on the bed in front of her while she stood, a few feet away. “It’s gonna be my honor,” he added in his slightly southern drawl, “to be the only man who’ll ever get to see you in the nude.” He briefly shot her a smile that seemed kind, loving, and maybe… a tad prideful?

Shannon felt uncomfortable as he said the words, and as she saw that smile. In the nude!? She wasn’t ready for this. But she realized he had a point. _The only man._ It was true. He would be the only one. No one else ever had, nor ever would, want to see her naked body. She felt like she _should_ feel lucky to be wanted in this fashion. In a way, she even felt obligated to make this man happy, because he was the only man she’d ever encountered in her entire life who actually seemed to want to be with her, her obese body not deterring him in the least.

Slowly, sounding as if genuinely confused, he asked, “What are you still waiting for?”

She realized she’d been standing still in front of him, just thinking, for a moment or two too long. He wasn’t angry; he was simply impatient for her to undress. It crossed her mind that this all felt a bit unfair, as _he_ was still fully clothed, and she hadn’t even been asked if she _wanted_ this – to have sex right now. But then, milliseconds later, she was pushing the thoughts of things feeling unfair out of her mind, focusing instead on how _of course_ it was natural for him to just assume she would want it. She’d never intended to lead him on, but wouldn’t that be what backing out now would mean? She had explicitly told him she was so happy to finally be in her first ever romantic relationship of her life. This is what people in romantic relationships do.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, and then she pulled her shirt up over her head -- quickly getting it over with, like ripping off a band-aid. The action revealed her simple, completely unsexy white bra, and she stood there, waiting for his reaction. She realized her sports watch was still awkwardly on her wrist and quickly went to remove it. Her nervousness turned to relief as she saw his lips curve into a smile. She tried to convince herself this would be a positive experience. She gently placed the watch down on the ground next to her shirt. _People enjoyed sex._ This was going to happen, and she tried to focus on the idea that this was going to be a good thing.

“Come here,” he said strongly, his voice full of excitement and anticipation. She took a few steps toward him and he stood up off of the bed and grabbed her to pull her the rest of the way. He started kissing her passionately while feeling around her back, his fingers landing on the white strap as his tongue entered her mouth in a way it never had in the past. She felt a bit overwhelmed, and she wasn’t sure how to react. So she just kept kissing him back, pushing her tongue around in his mouth, hoping she was doing it right, noticing as her bra fell off of her body, and then noticing as one of Cooter’s hands began to cup, and massage, her tit. It felt… odd. She wouldn’t call it bad, not really, but it wasn’t good either. It was just… very different than anything she had ever experienced.

He pulled away for a moment, allowing for them both to catch their breaths, although the real reason for the break seemed to be so that he could rip his own clothes off. Cooter didn’t stop with his shirt the way Shannon had. But he did start there, pulling it up off of his head with no hesitation and revealing all of his chest hair, some of which Shannon was surprised to realize was on him at all. Within moments he then also kicked off his shoes, roughly pulled off his socks, stripped down to his underwear, and then… wow. Shannon saw his erect cock, and it seemed so enormous to her. He was clearly _in the moment_. Her body didn’t “cool him off” the way the thought of her had done for her football kids.

She found herself vaguely wishing his clothes were still on his body. She forced a smile, not wanting to be rude, not wanting him to know how confused she was feeling right now. He wanted to have sex with her. This was happening. She should enjoy this.

Cooter pulled her closer toward him, onto the bed, and began to kiss her passionately again, his hands fumbling a little as he felt around her curves, attempting to find a button and zipper at the front of her pants. She felt embarrassed as she realized he wasn’t expecting her to be wearing pants with an elastic waistband. Soon enough he realized the truth and began to pull her pants off, just the same, not commenting on it, for which Shannon was grateful. She helped take them the rest of the way down, over her feet. Things were happening so quickly, and as he kissed her nipples, she realized she was beginning to feel aroused, blood rushing toward her genitals. Shannon wasn’t surprised that he seemed to know what to do to her body, but somehow she felt disconnected from all of it. He started fingering her, doing things she’d only ever done to herself, but he didn’t do quite enough for her to climax before he stopped and looked at her.

“Are you ready?” he asked, and Shannon was pretty sure she knew what he meant.

She hesitated. “Um… well, do you have a prophylactic?” she asked.

Cooter seemed confused for a moment. “A what?” Then he chuckled. “Oh, a condom. Of course sweetheart.” He leaned over and reached into his bedside table and pulled one out. Before unwrapping it, he kissed her mouth again, and her tit one last time. Then he opened the package and slipped it onto his cock.

The experience of intercourse wasn’t so bad, Shannon thought. Cooter didn’t injure her, or anything. And he’d seemed really into it! As long as it wasn’t going to be ending in a pregnancy, something she had long since been sure she didn’t want, she could live with occasionally having sex with Cooter. She hoped it wouldn’t be too often, though. The concept of closing one’s eyes and thinking of England started to come to the forefront of her mind. And the hype – the idea that sex was something wonderful and irresistible? Shannon found it hard to believe that any women liked this. It was so much better to just pleasure herself. What was the big deal about sex?

She lay next to Cooter in bed, the sweat on their bare bodies dampening the sheets, the used condom now in the trash.

“Honey, that was worth the wait,” he said with conviction.

She hadn’t felt like they’d waited at all.

“I love you,” he told her, for the first time, and Shannon realized it was true what people say – men fall in love after having sex. And this man? Cooter Menkins? He was now in love with her! She had never thought a man would ever be in love with her. She had never thought she’d get to experience that in her life. Tears started to well up in her eyes.

“Sweetheart, what’s the matter?” he asked with concern.

She pulled her arm out from under the covers and wiped away the moisture on her eyelashes.

“Nothing. I… love you too,” she said, softly. She wasn’t sure she meant it, but she hoped he believed her.


	4. Girlfriends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following chapter is Jake’s POV. It picks up right where chapter 1 left off.
> 
> Please be wary of some anti-mixed ace/allo relationship sentiments, and also be wary of a transphobic comment, all expressed briefly by Jake and Ryder to each other at the end of the chapter. I’ll address it all more in some later chapters, mainly chapters 7 and 10 for the trans stuff. Don’t worry; I don’t let the narrative treat it as okay.

Jake stepped carefully around a puddle as he headed away from the school, vaguely realizing it must’ve rained during the day and he just hadn’t noticed it through any classroom window. His mind was too occupied to pay much attention to that, though, as Mr. Schue’s words were still weighing on him.

 _Could his teacher possibly be right about his girlfriend? Could asexuality even really be a thing?_ He tried to wrap his brain around it, but he felt lost without more information. He’d research it when he got home.

He pulled out his mp3 player and deftly untangled the cord before placing the earbuds in his ears, the music drowning out all of the heavy thoughts. Except… the song switched to “Sexy Body” of all songs, and pretty much every lyric Verse Simmonds sung brought to the surface the issue of whether or not Marley experienced that kind of pull toward _anyone’s_ body. He quickly pulled the player back out of his pocket and looked at the menu, scrolling to Igor Stravinsky’s name. He’d purchased a few concertos of his for the sake of practicing his ballet moves, but right now he needed to find a piece so that he had something _safe_ to listen to. The intense instrumental music would surely distract him from those pesky thoughts.

A few minutes later, he walked in his front door and went straight to the only computer in his house, which his mom had set up to be in the living room in an attempt to limit her teenage son’s porn viewing habits. That attempt had never worked, as she left him home alone far too often. For a couple of years now – since he’d turned thirteen years old – the boy had gotten away with spending a lot of his free time surfing ‘NSFW’ videos and photographs. Today though, the sexual things he’d be looking up would be much more _academic_ in nature.

He headed to the kitchen to grab a snack while he waited for the machine to power on. Before long, he was sitting in front of the screen, crunching on a crisp Granny Smith apple, absorbing more information than he possibly could have imagined was out there. When he’d woken up this morning, he didn’t even know there were more than three sexual orientations. But apparently, asexuality was not only real – it was _complicated_.

Apparently, some asexual people enjoyed sex, and some even watched porn for fun! He wondered what they got out of those things, and kept reading with intense curiosity. There were ridiculously complex terms like “autochorissexual” or “zedsexual”, but he scrolled past them quickly, not feeling quite ready to try to learn what they were referring to. He gathered that there were different ways to be an asexual person though, and even though a lot of them didn’t like sex – just like he would expect – some of those same people still wanted to date people, regardless. Jake started to feel a little comforted by the idea that maybe Marley really did want to be dating him. Some aces – what asexual people seemed to be called, on some of these websites – were even polyamorous, which meant they potentially were open to dating multiple people at the same time! Still others weren’t ‘amorous’ at all and called themselves “aromantic”. It was all so much to take in, but Jake found himself happy to be learning it, if also a bit confused.

He had barely scratched the surface, it seemed, but he also had homework, so he called it quits for the day after spending about an hour on the web that afternoon.

 

* * *

 

In their homeroom the next morning, Ryder approached him.

“So what did Mr. Schue want to talk to you about?” he eagerly inquired.

Jake took a look around the room, not wanting to be overheard the way they had been yesterday. Satisfied that the other students were far enough out of earshot, Jake answered. “He heard what we were saying about Marley.”

Ryder gasped. “No way, dude!”

Jake resisted the urge to sarcastically reply ‘Yes, way’ and instead said, “He did. But it… maybe wasn’t a bad thing. He told me about—” his volume went down to a whisper. “He told me about a sexual orientation I hadn’t heard of. Asexuality.”

Ryder’s expression shifted to one of recognition. “You know what? I’ve actually heard of that.”

“Really?” Jake asked in surprise.

“Yeah. But wait. Mr. Schue thinks _Marley_ might be…?”

Jake nodded hard.

“Wow.”

“I know.”

The bell rang for school to begin and Ryder quickly returned to his seat on the other side of the room before Mr. Herrmann got annoyed.

 

* * *

 

Jake politely greeted Marley’s mother and then asked the friendly woman, who was currently in her hairnet and apron, for a scoop of the applesauce to be added to his tray. It was the final side dish for his lunch. He paid at the register, and proceeded to look for his girlfriend. Just like pretty much every day, he found her sitting with her brown paper bag, not opening it yet. Watching her from afar, he was reminded of how worried he was about her. She didn’t seem to want to eat unless she was proving to other people that she was recovering. He wished she’d just eat for the same reasons most of the kids at school did – a general _I’m starving_ feeling which seemed to be caused by sitting in class for hours. But she had gotten into such a habit of ignoring her own hunger. When he’d brought it up to her last week, she’d informed him that her psychologist was aware of the issue. However, the solution was just to give it time. Soon she’d hopefully have gotten into enough of a habit that even if she was all alone, she’d still eat. The feelings that made her override her own survival instinct would also fade eventually. That irrational fear that cropped up when she even just _thought_ about food? She wouldn’t feel it forever. They were working on it at her sessions. Until then, Marley – and her loved ones – would need to practice patience. Marley’s therapist was satisfied, for now, that she was eating a good amount every day, regardless of how or why. That was the doctor’s number one concern. Her physical health was okay, for now.

Jake walked across the cafeteria and took a seat beside her. She smiled and sure enough, as if on cue, she opened her bag and began to eat her lunch. He scarfed down his, perhaps subconsciously making sure his mouth was full of food every second so that he wouldn’t have a chance to talk. He wanted to wait as long as possible before bringing up the topic that was _of course_ on his mind.

“Did you work up an appetite in French class?” she asked with amusement, the corners of her lips curling up into a delicate smile.

“Oh,” he said, realizing what she was referring to as he finished up his meal with ten of the twenty-five minutes in the lunch period still to spare. That might’ve been a record time for consuming his meal. “Yeah, I guess so.”

When his tone didn’t echo her lightness, Marley furrowed her brow and asked more seriously, “Is there something you want to talk about?”

He sighed. “Well, actually, yeah.” He reached across the table and scooped one of her small hands into his larger, darker one. “I… found out about something yesterday, something that I think might be relevant to… you,” he said, quietly, trying not to upset her.

“What do you mean?” she asked, and she already sounded terrified.

“It’s not a bad thing,” he tried to assure her. He let out another slow breath and then decided he had to just say it. “Have you ever considered the possibility that… you’re asexual?”

She seemed caught off guard. “What?”

“Asexual,” he repeated. “It’s a sexual orientation, like being gay, or bi, or straight. It’d… mean you weren’t sexually attracted to guys. If you are asexual, it’s okay.”

“It’d mean I wasn’t straight?” she asked, confused.

“Well, yeah, I guess,” he replied.

“I’m not a lesbian,” she whispered strongly.

“I know.” He closed his eyes, and then opened them back up slowly. This was proving to be more difficult than he’d expected. _Why was she getting so defensive?_ He made purposeful eye contact with her. “But… have you ever found me sexy?”

Her lip quivered. “I… I mean… you’re obviously a very attractive guy—”

“But _you_ don’t find me attractive, do you?” he asked, point blank.

“What do you want me to say?!” Her voice seemed to be on the verge of breaking.

He broke their eye contact and took a look at the clock on the far wall of the room – only one minute had passed since the start of their conversation. It didn’t look like he was going to be saved by the bell this time.

“I don’t want you to say anything,” he told her honestly. “I love you. I meant it when I told you last year, _and_ I mean it now.”

“But—”

“But you should do some… introspection,” he said, cutting her off and feeling a little proud of himself for using such a fancy vocabulary word. “Look it up. Asexuality. Take your time. Tell me what you figure out.”

He looked back at the clock, and returned his gaze to his girlfriend just in time to catch a glimpse of a tear which she was hastily wiping away with her free hand.

“Marley,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you’d get so upset.”

She didn’t reply, instead just pulling her hand out of his grasp and staring intently down toward the table.

They sat in silence for the remainder of lunch. Jake didn’t know what else to say. Marley didn’t even touch the rest of her uneaten food.

 

* * *

 

Puck texted Jake that afternoon, wondering if he was free to Skype.

Jake thought it might be nice to get his older brother’s perspective on what he should do, so he texted back, ‘Yeah I’m free’ and within minutes they were face-to-face, chatting. Jake let Puck explain all of what was going on with his Air Force enlistment – Puck sounded so excited by all of the tests he had managed to pass. He was currently spending his days bulking up and practicing waking up at the crack of dawn because basic training was going to start soon.

“But enough about me, dude,” Puck said cheerfully, ready to change subjects. “What’s new with you?”

Jake hesitated, knowing what he wanted to talk about, yet also knowing Puck might not have any relevant advice.

“Well, something kind of happened with Marley,” Jake began. Puck’s eyebrows perked up. “She… doesn’t seem interested in having sex.”

“Oh, like at Mr. Schue’s wedding?” Puck asked, remembering a conversation they’d had the day after Valentine’s Day. That holiday had been one particular night when almost every single one of Puck’s friends had gotten laid, including apparently two of his former girlfriends _with each other_ , but he himself had not gotten lucky at all. Jake had admitted that he’d also gone home to his own bed that night, the money he’d spent on a hotel room to share with Marley wasted.

“Yeah, except I mean… it’s been a long time since then, and she _still_ isn’t ready to lose her virginity.”

Puck nodded understandingly. “That sucks.”

“Yeah. I think there might be a possibility she’s… not even straight,” Jake told him.

“Well, my first long-term girlfriend was a _lesbian_ and she had sex with me all the time, so I don’t think I’m necessarily an expert on how these things work.”

Jake let out a small chuckle. “Yeah, maybe not.” He thought about Quinn, that other McKinley alum Jake had met just once, about a year prior, right before Thanksgiving. “Didn’t the girl you knocked up seem less interested in sex, most of the time, though?”

“Well, there was that _one_ time she wanted to have _another_ baby with me,” Puck answered.

Jake’s jaw dropped open in shock. “What?”

“I know, bro! Yeah, though, I wasn’t really dating her. Our relationship was complicated. More like friends with one-time-benefits, and a baby. I kind of miss her, though.”

“What about before you had sex that one time? Did she seem… into you? Did she enjoy kissing you? Or…” he hesitated, knowing his next question might not only be awkward, but also might bring up memories his older brother wasn’t quite ready for yet. “Did she seem… sexually attracted to anyone else, like Sam, or, you know… Finn?”

Puck froze a little at the mention of Finn’s name. The grief was so fresh for all of them, although of course Jake hadn’t known the guy nearly as well as Puck did. Puck did seem to be thinking over the question, though.

“Quinn certainly was into me. There were times she wanted to rip my clothes off. She seemed pretty into Finn and Sam too. Santana… I think she was into my body too. I just think she couldn’t fall in love with me because I wasn’t a girl.”

Jake remembered some of what he’d been reading the day prior about romantic orientation, and how it can be different from someone’s sexual orientation. “Do you think she might’ve been romantically a lesbian… but sexually bisexual?” Jake asked, curious.

Puck pursed his lips, considering the idea. “Yeah, you know what, that kind of makes sense. I do think that’s a possibility. Quinn might be bisexual too,” he added. “Santana told me Quinn liked the girl-on-girl action enough to want to do it _twice_.”

Jake wondered if maybe there was a chance Quinn was a heteroromantic bisexual, if maybe it was common for some girls to fall in love only with guys, but to have a sexual orientation that didn’t quite match. Maybe, just maybe, Marley was a heteroromantic asexual. The more Jake thought about it, the more he realized it would explain so much.

Jake noticed the sound of a key jangling in the front door’s lock. “My mom’s home,” he told Puck. “We’ll talk again some other time?”

“Sure thing, bro. Good luck figuring out your girl sitch.”

Jake nodded in appreciation and they ended the video call.

 

* * *

 

Three days later, on Sunday, Marley finally invited Jake over to her house. She told him over the phone she was ready to have a conversation about all of this, but she wanted to do it in person. Her mom had promised to give them privacy, and would read a book up in her own bedroom or something, leaving Marley and her boyfriend alone downstairs.

As soon as Jake seated himself besides Marley on the couch, Marley began to speak. “I’m sorry I freaked out at lunch on Thursday,” she said. “I should have been thanking you, really.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I… looked into what you were talking about. Asexuality.”

“You did?”

“Yeah, and I think… you might be right. I talked to Unique about it a bit, and she said she’d heard of it in some online forums for trans kids. Then she helped me research it a bit more.”

Jake waited patiently, wanting to allow her space to talk, and really curious as to what Marley had figured out about herself.

“I’ve never even masturbated,” she said softly, “and I’m pretty sure I don’t have a sex drive at all.”

Jake was a little surprised to learn that. “Do you think maybe it’s just a hormone problem?” he asked. “Have you talked to a doctor about it?”

Marley’s lips curled into a half-hearted smile. “I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. I got my first period when I was twelve. I think I would’ve noticed some other symptoms by now if there was a problem.”

“Oh,” Jake said. “Then…” he trailed off, not sure what to ask next.

“There’s even a word out there for people like me. Asexual people who can’t and don’t masturbate… we’re called ‘non-libidoists’.”

“So you _are_ asexual?” he asked cautiously.

“I… I don’t know,” she said slowly. “But the more I read, and the more I think about it… the more it makes sense. I really think I might be.”

Jake took a moment to let that sink in. _Wow._ He’d managed to fall in love with an asexual girl. One that couldn’t possibly like sex, because she didn’t even get aroused, ever. What were the chances? He hated that this was how things were playing out. He wanted Marley to just be sexual like everyone else in the world.

Marley was looking at him intently, waiting for him to say something.

So Jake asked about the main thing he was still dying to know. “Did you… read about romantic orientations?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I did.”

“And do you have one?” he pressed.

“Um… I don’t know,” she admitted. “I always thought I was straight, so my first thought was that maybe I was just _romantically_ always into boys only, and that’s what had me convinced of my heterosexuality.”

Jake smiled, feeling relieved. But Marley wasn’t finished yet.

“The thing is, I’m not sure about that, the more I think about it. Because… well… I always thought I couldn’t be gay because I didn’t want to see women naked, or have any desire to kiss them.” She paused, seeming to be gathering her thoughts. “That was also why I ruled out being bi too. I was kind of… straight by default, I guess.”

“I think I get it,” Jake replied. He couldn’t quite imagine a world where as soon as puberty hit him, he _wasn’t_ constantly struggling with the urge to fantasize about seeing his attractive female classmates sans their clothes. But he could try to pretend for a moment about a world where he hadn’t had that urge. Maybe he too would’ve considered if he was gay, and ultimately brushed that thought aside, because he _definitely_ had zero desire toward guys.

“But now… I’m not so sure. I don’t have sexual feelings toward anyone, and maybe if I hadn’t thought I was straight by default…” she trailed off.

“What?” Jake asked, still curious.

“I don’t know. I might be biromantic. Or panromantic.” She spotted Jake’s confused facial expression. “It’s kind of the same thing. Pan is more inclusive of people with non-binary genders.”

“How can someone have a non-binary gender?” Jake asked.

Marley seemed tempted to answer, but then he cut her off.

“Never mind,” he quickly amended. “So you _are_ romantically attracted to me?” he asked hopefully. He’d worry about figuring out whatever the hell a non-binary gender was some other time.

Marley smiled. “Of course,” she said. “I said I love you back, and I meant it. You’re… amazing. I’m still not one-hundred percent sure about my romantic orientation… but I’ll keep you updated as I figure it out, okay?”

“Okay.” Jake said. He leaned in to kiss her cheek, lovingly. She beamed.

“Do you want to see what’s on TV?” he asked, their serious conversation seeming to have come to an end.

“Sure,” she replied, and she stood up in order to fetch the remote control.

 

* * *

 

In the gym locker room, Ryder approached Jake.

“So I’m thinking of dating Unique,” he said.

“Are you serious?” Jake replied. “What? But-”

“I didn’t want to admit it at first, but we had a real connection, before I found out about the catfish thing. I’ve had some time to get over the… betrayal, and honestly… I want to see if we can make it work.”

“But won’t it matter that she has a dick?”

Ryder scowled at him. “Marley told me she’s asexual. Why the hell are you still dating her, then?” he shot back.

Jake noticed Coach Beiste standing behind Ryder, suddenly seeming very interested in their conversation. Jake shifted his volume down to a near-whisper.

“Dude, don’t out her to the whole football team, please. Sexual orientations are private, I wasn’t even allowed to tell _you_ , remember? She wanted to tell you herself?”

Ryder looked apologetic. “You’re right, sorry. But anyway, I am still curious how you are making that work. She said she is asexual, and for her that means sex is kind of off the table. I would’ve thought that’d be a deal breaker for you.”

Jake was annoyed with the question, regardless of how valid it may have been. “Yeah, I would’ve thought that too. But… I’m in love with her, man. You know?”

Ryder didn’t respond. Jake guessed maybe he didn’t really know. Ryder had probably never been in love.

“It’s just… not that easy to call it quits. I can’t say I haven’t been thinking about it. But for now, we’re together, okay? I’ll let you know if that changes.”

“Okay, and I’ll let you know how… dating Unique goes.”

“Agreed.”

Jake shot another look toward his coach, who hadn’t moved from her position, likely within earshot of their whole conversation. Well, so what if she knew that Marley was asexual? Coach Beiste didn’t even know Marley. Jake figured it’d be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also note that what Marley says about being pan vs. being bi isn't quite accurate in all cases. A lot of bisexual people use the "2" meaning of "bi" to mean "to their own and at least 1 other gender" or "to their own and to other genders", etc. It's a complicated discussion but I don't mean to imply that all bisexual people are not inclusive of non-binary genders. That's simply not true.
> 
> Also more explanation of what non-binary means comes up in chapters 8 and 11.


	5. Pondering Polyamory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Rachel’s point of view. 
> 
> It obviously is not completely canon compliant, but the chapter takes place at the end of an AU version of season 5, with Blaine, Kurt, Santana, and Rachel all living in New York together post-high school.

Being cast as the lead in _Funny Girl_ was everything Rachel could’ve ever hoped for, especially considering how the timing coincided with her otherwise fairly devastating year. Nothing could’ve ever fully distracted her from the pain of losing Finn, but investing her heart and soul into Fanny Brice had helped her to feel alive again. The majority of the role came so naturally to her; perfecting the nuances of her performance was a challenge she welcomed with open arms.

She felt guilty sometimes for thinking it, but she truly was happy. It was hard to believe that such a thing was _possible_ less than a year after her soulmate’s death, but it was true. She was heartbroken every time she remembered she didn’t have a soulmate anymore, but the rest of her life was proving to be genuinely satisfying.

Her career was taking off. She didn’t need NYADA anymore, and while she wished she could both attend school and pursue her career, she really couldn’t complain. If her career being too successful was the worst of her problems, she should count herself lucky, right? Of course she still felt pangs of grief every single day, but overall, her life was moving in the right direction. And for that, she couldn’t be more pleased.

In addition, her closest friends in the world were her roommates, and other close friends of hers were living nearby in the same city. Not too many young adults were fortunate enough to be able to hold onto their high school friends at all! She felt so blessed. Santana had been a needed confidant during her pregnancy scare the year prior, and seeing a happily engaged couple every day only helped to lift up her mood, most of the time.

Rachel hadn’t imagined it was possible to be more of an ally to the LGBT community, what with her dads _and_ all three of her roommates being queer. Recently, however, Kurt and Blaine had been throwing some surprises her way. One of the biggest surprises had been Kurt’s sexual orientation. As it turned out, all along when she’d thought Kurt was gay, she’d been wrong. She’d always known that her ex-boyfriend Blaine was bisexual, but Kurt had been secretive about his gray-asexual identity until recently. So she quickly became an even _bigger_ ally to all people in the queer community, taking an interest in what asexuality was and then working as hard as she could to spread awareness around the _Funny Girl_ set. Kurt was a big help to her, answering any and all questions she had about his own personal experience, and also directing her to places with a lot more general information.

Apparently, the reason she’d never really had to worry about the fact that she only had a measly _curtain_ as a wall between their bedroom and hers – the reason she never walked into the apartment to the sounds of passionate love-making – was that the couple was practically _celibate_. No wonder Kurt had seemed so hesitant when Blaine had dragged him to the city’s annual Pride parade in June! Those celebrations could be _particularly_ hyper-sexualized. Kurt being particularly eager to change the subject whenever Santana brought up her own sex life? It all started to make a bit more sense. Rachel was finally beginning to understand the bigger picture.

The fact that Blaine and Kurt had managed to stay together, even when they had to be long-distance for Kurt’s entire freshman year at NYADA, also was easier to understand now, because although Rachel couldn’t maintain her relationship with Finn, and although Santana also struggled with Brittany, Kurt and Blaine hadn’t been sacrificing all that much. Most of their relationship had never been all that physical anyway! Blaine had already gotten a lot of practice, even when he lived in the same state as his boyfriend, at having to live without a lot of that physical intimacy he craved.

The next surprise they’d thrown at her was when, on Blaine’s eighteenth birthday, a couple of months before he even graduated from McKinley, Kurt had proposed, and Blaine had accepted. The funny twist was that Blaine had already picked out a ring, and had asked Burt’s permission, but Kurt had beaten him to the punch! The two of them were both so completely ready to get married. She couldn’t be more thrilled for them. It was clear they were meant to be.

She’d also, however, thought it was clear that they were both meant to be performers on the stage, but it had turned out she’d been wrong. Kurt was only about a quarter through the four years he was set to spend at NYADA, yet he was already realizing that the stage wasn’t the goal he wanted to pursue for his life. Rachel couldn’t necessarily blame him – she’d never realized how excited she’d feel about the prospect of pursuing television until the opportunity presented itself. All of a sudden she had all of these high hopes for _That’s So Rachel_. Kurt, on the other hand, had never considered pursuing a career in fashion design till he got that internship at Vogue.com, but now… it had seemed to become his passion, something he spent all of his free time on. He kept working there while Santana and Rachel took jobs at a diner to help pay the rent. Burt and Carole sent checks in the mail to help Kurt with his share.

In fact, as she rifled through the mail just now, she noticed an envelope addressed from Ohio.

“Kurt!” she called out across the loft. “Your parents sent you something!”

Kurt got up from his desk where he seemed to be working hard on some kind of assignment. The New York Academy for the Dramatic Arts made him take some drama-related classes, and Kurt had chosen to sign up for an intense play-writing class. From what Rachel had gathered, it was basically a typical creative writing curriculum – except the only type of writing to which the students would ever apply what they learned would be plays.

Kurt took the envelope from Rachel with a small smile.

“Did they write you a letter again?” she asked earnestly, loving that Kurt’s parents were old-fashioned in this way. Her dads just texted or emailed her if they had something to say, or for more personal topics, there were always phone calls. She had never gotten a handwritten letter.

“They always do,” Kurt said in an appreciative tone as he carefully peeled open the envelope, revealing the check as well as the letter. “It’s Carole’s handwriting this time,” he added.

“That’s so sweet,” Rachel replied softly.

“Well I better get back to my homework. I’ll read this later,” he said, clearly curious and tempted to find out what they said this time, but not wanting to allow himself to get too distracted from his train of thought.

Hoping it’d help him keep his focus where it should be, Rachel decided to ask, “What are you writing?”

Kurt smiled sheepishly. “It’s stupid,” he said with a small forced chuckle, and Rachel could’ve sworn his cheeks were gaining a reddish tinge.

Rachel waited for him to elaborate.

“Okay, well, it’s a ‘write something deeply personal’ type of assignment, basically autobiographical plays, with the added caveat that it must be as unique as possible. Professor Wong said if it’s something he’s never seen on the stage before, but he also doesn’t predict the ending when he’s reading it, we’ll not only get an automatic A – we’ll also get the chance to see our play performed.”

Rachel nodded. “Wow, that sounds amazing. Who would be performing it?”

“Just the acting class next door,” Kurt answered.

“So what is yours about?” she asked.

Kurt’s eyes flitted toward his desk where his laptop was, the contents of his unfinished play still up on the screen. He seemed hesitant to reveal his secrets but Rachel was desperate to know, so she kept her eyes fixed on him, forcing him to come up with some kind of a response. She was _so_ curious about what aspect of his autobiography he’d try to translate into play form.

When he took a few moments too long to answer, a thought dawned on her. “It’s not… it’s not about Finn, is it?” she commented somberly.

He looked at her meaningfully. “No,” he promised. “I… wouldn’t feel comfortable… well…”

She looked down at the ground. “It’s probably too soon for you to write something like that,” she muttered.

“I just don’t think I’d be able to do it justice,” Kurt explained.

“Yeah, I get it,” she said.

“My dad said to me, after I didn’t get cast as Tony in _West Side Story_ , that if I wanted there to be leading roles for men like me, I should write them myself,” Kurt finally told her. “So…” he trailed off a bit.

“So you’re writing a play with a gay ace guy as the lead?” she said excitedly, pushing the grief as far away as she could muster, pretending it wasn’t still lingering.

He smiled, still embarrassed, but now seeming to be catching some of her contagious excitement. “Yeah.”

“Well get back to it then,” she said, still holding onto the mail in one hand but beginning to push him toward his desk with her free one. “That’s a play that needs to be written. Asexuality! I bet your professor hasn’t even heard of that sexual orientation.”

“I know, right?” Kurt said.

“You’re so going to get that A,” she told him. “Good luck.”

She went back to the mail and noticed another envelope that had come from her home state, a much larger one this time. Curious, she looked more closely at the return address. At the same moment, Blaine walked in the door, his own freshman NYADA classes finally over for the day.

“Blaine,” Rachel began. “Why are you getting sent a large, thick envelope from Ohio State University in Columbus?”

Blaine’s eyes went wide. “What?” He rushed over and grabbed it, pulling it out of her hands and staring at it. Rachel’s attention was transfixed on him. _What in the world was going on?_

“Oh my God,” he muttered, his stare frozen on the envelope. Then, a few moments later, he broke out of his trance and quickly ripped the paper, trying to get inside to the contents.

“Oh my God,” he repeated. “Oh my God. I got in,” he whispered.

“What?” Rachel asked.

Blaine didn’t seem to notice her. “Kurt!” he cried out. “I got in!”

“ _What_ did you get into?” Rachel asked more forcefully, trying to catch his attention.

He turned to look at her briefly. He pursed his lips, waiting for his fiancé. Blaine had no idea that Kurt had literally _just_ sat back down over at his desk.

Kurt was beaming as he approached Blaine. “You got in?”

“Yes,” he breathed. Both young men turned toward Rachel. “I got accepted into Ohio State University,” Blaine finally explained. “I’m going to transfer and start attending next semester!”

“But… why?” Rachel asked, perplexed.

Blaine chuckled. “I decided I wanted to be pre-med.”

“But… NYADA! We all worked so hard to get in there and _none_ of us are happy there?”

“Hey,” Kurt interrupted. “ _I’m_ planning to complete my degree!”

“Didn’t you change your major to undeclared, though?” she asked.

“Yeah. So what?” Kurt countered. “I… have actually been thinking of declaring… as a Creative Writing major.”

“Really?” Rachel was surprised. This playwriting class was only his second ever writing class at the school.

“Yeah, well I can still perform a lot in all of my electives. I… I just feel I have so much I could learn in this subject, and NYADA is kind of the perfect place to do it.” He smiled. Clearly he’d thought about this a lot, and from the look on his face, this decision was sounding even better to him once he said it aloud.

“Wow,” Rachel replied. She needed some time to wrap her mind around that. Kurt wanted to write? _What about fashion design?_ She sighed, and figured she could ask him later. She turned to Blaine. “So what were _you_ thinking of majoring in?” she asked.

“Well… I want to be pre-med, like my mom and dad,” Blaine said.

Rachel was surprised. She knew both of his parents were doctors, but he never seemed very close to them, so following in their footsteps was not a path she had seen coming, at all.

He continued, “I still love performing, but… it wasn’t until I got here that I realized it’s… a lot more fun if it’s not your full-time job. You know?”

Rachel looked blankly at him.

He laughed. “Of course _you_ don’t know. But that’s… that’s the whole point. I don’t think I… love it the same way you love it.”

“Okay, I guess I get it,” she said. She didn’t need competition from people as talented as Kurt and Blaine anyway. She couldn’t imagine wanting to move to a drastically different career path, but clearly they both could. “But I don't think pre-med is a major at most schools,” Rachel then said knowingly. “Did you apply with a different major in mind?”

Blaine seemed impressed. “Yeah, actually… I’m going to be a Math major.”

Rachel did a double take and tried to imagine Blaine in nerd glasses and a wrinkled, stained, too-big-for-his-body shirt, the way she’d spent her entire life imagining _all_ Math-majors.

Kurt chimed in at this point. “Blaine will be able to take some Music Theory related classes, and things like The Physics of Music, if he does a Math major. Besides, Ohio State recommends it as a good choice for pre-med students.”

Rachel couldn’t believe it. She took a few moments to try to absorb all of this new information. Her eyes flitted back to Blaine. “Why are you leaving New York?” she asked, a shred of vulnerability showing through. She was beginning to feel like everyone was abandoning her unexpectedly. First Finn, but now Blaine, and _then_ who would it be?

“Rachel,” he said gently, clearly having heard all of her unspoken thoughts. “I… it’s just Ohio State is such a good school, and I can get in-state tuition and save my parents a lot of money, and besides, long term, Kurt and I were thinking it’d be good to live near our folks, I mean, you know how much Burt and Carole miss us…”

“Okay, okay,” she said. “Let Kurt get back to writing his play,” she demanded, it coming out a little more harshly than she’d intended. She reached back into the pile of mail. “I have a new issue of _Aesthetica_ to read anyway,” she told them, pulling the bi-monthly British magazine out and proceeding to carry it into her bedroom. She pulled her curtain closed, and then plopped down on top of the bedspread. Too much was changing too quickly for her, but at least she could find comfort in the subscription her dads had gotten her.

 

* * *

 

Later that evening, after Santana had been informed of the news and all of the roommates had enjoyed their leftover casserole from the night prior, Rachel looked over and saw Blaine sitting on the couch, the television on in front of him. He wasn’t watching it, though. He was staring, intently, at his acceptance letter, and he didn’t look as excited as he had a few hours earlier. Kurt was on a roll with his script and had gone to find a coffeehouse that was open late for some privacy and also hopefully inspiration. With Kurt and his laptop gone, and Santana busy on a web-call with Brittany behind her own curtain, Rachel approached Blaine, taking a spot on the open cushion next to him.

“What’s going through your mind?” she probed.

He looked up at her. “Oh, nothing.”

She didn’t buy that at all. “Come on, tell me.”

He looked up toward Santana’s curtain, nervously, like he didn’t want to be overheard. “Can you… promise not to tell Kurt?” he asked.

Rachel’s eyebrows rose about an inch. “You actually keep secrets from _Kurt_?” This couple was certainly throwing her for a loop lately.

“Shh!” he quickly whispered, his eyes glancing back toward where Santana was busy, clearly not wanting that roommate of theirs to overhear.

“Sorry,” she said quietly. “Sure, I won’t tell him.”

Blaine broke his eye contact with her and started fiddling with the engagement ring on his finger, clearly trying to figure out how to begin. “Okay, well… the thing is… I wish I was asexual, like Kurt is.”

Whatever Rachel had been expecting him to say, that wasn’t it. She blinked a few times, realizing he was probably thinking about being long-distance from Kurt for the next two years, and before she could say anything, he was continuing.

“I mean, I… I just… I feel so…”

“Horny?” Rachel supplied, trying to be helpful.

Blaine burst into a small laugh. But then his face turned serious again and he said, “Well, actually… yeah.”

Rachel’s thoughts suddenly turned to worry. “You weren’t going to ask _me_ to-”

“What? No! Of course not!” Blaine hurriedly stopped her. Rachel breathed a sigh of relief. She knew that years ago the two of them had been somewhat attracted to each other, but she was pretty sure they had moved past that. Besides, she was still in a “monogamous for Finn” headspace, even if he was gone. And more importantly, she would _never_ condone Blaine cheating on Kurt. Kurt was her best friend. Even closer of a friend to her than her other roommates were. Speaking of cheating…

“Blaine?” she asked.

“Yeah?”

“Have you been considering being… _unfaithful_ to Kurt, though? I mean maybe not with me, but… in general?”

Blaine looked back into her eyes, guilt emanating from his entire being. He looked practically on the verge of tears. He didn’t need to answer.

“But you haven’t actually cheated, right?” she said.

He shook his head vigorously.

“Good.” At least Blaine had been able, so far, to resist his urge to cheat. “Look,” she said, going into advice mode. “What I’d recommend you consider is the option of polyamory.”

“The option of polyamory?” Blaine echoed.

“Mm-hmm,” she affirmed in a hum. “I’m probably too insecure of a person for it to ever be a reasonable option for myself,” she stated matter-of-factly. She tried not to think about how, even with _Finn,_ when he had been dating her and only her, she _still_ had gotten jealous super-easily. “But a growing number of people, especially college-aged people like you, are trying out open relationships.”

“That’s just an excuse to cheat,” he said dismissively.

“No, it’s not,” she informed him. “You should check out AVEN’s online forums,” she said.

“AVEN? That site for asexual people?” Blaine said hesitantly, like he was unsure of if he was remembering correctly where he’d heard of that website before.

“Yeah,” she said. “It’s got a spot for mixed ace with allo relationships.”

“Did you say ace with _ally_?”

She smiled. “No, _allo_ , with an ‘o’. It’s a term they often use to mean non-ace. But yeah, allies, like you, of aces, who are dating aces. There are a bunch of people there talking about it.”

“Oh.” Blaine sounded like he never considered that people might talk about that on a forum.

“And not everyone there, but a surprisingly large number, have found polyamory to be a good option for their relationship. It’s better than breaking up.”

“Why have _you_ been reading those forums?” Blaine asked.

“Curiosity,” she answered unapologetically with a shrug.

He chuckled at her. He looked back down at his envelope, and said, “Polyamory, huh.”

“Why are we talking about polyamory?” Santana said, emerging from behind her curtain, apparently done with her call.

Rachel looked worriedly at Blaine. He hadn’t wanted Santana to hear this conversation! But now that she had joined them, he seemed comfortable enough with Santana’s presence – relaxed and not upset at all.

“Rachel was just telling me that maybe polyamory is not… just an excuse to cheat,” he clarified.

Santana looked at Rachel. “Dani knows a lot of polyamorous lesbians if you were looking to hook up,” she said.

Rachel laughed. “I’m not, but thanks.”

“Oh. Well, in all seriousness,” Santana said, “I probably should’ve considered the polyamory option for me and Britt.” She came over to the couch and then stood there, silently waiting for Blaine and Rachel to scoot so that she had a place to sit.

“Oh, sorry,” Blaine apologized before making room for her.

After they were all situated, Santana continued. “I mean, I kind of tricked her into cheating on Artie with me, which wasn’t cool; I know that now,” she admitted. “And when she loved _both_ of us, I was in such a… monogamous mindset that I didn’t realize how… naturally poly she kind of was. And then I broke us up last year, _stupidly_ , when I was so afraid I was gonna be tempted to cheat. I’d _never_ wanna hurt Britt though, you know? I think I was just… curious for more experiences, and maybe if we had tried going poly, we would’ve been happier.”

“Are you thinking of… trying it now?” Blaine asked, sincerely interested.

“Me and Brittany? Nah, I think that ship has sailed. We’re pretty happy being monogamous right now. We’ve had our chance to test the waters… her with _Sam_ of all guys,” she said, her voice dripping sarcastically with only partially-fake vitriol, “And me with Dani of course.”

“Oh. Right.” Blaine sounded disappointed. Like he needed Santana to be considering it, or else he couldn’t consider it for himself.

“Bring it up with Kurt,” Rachel told him. “Discuss it. What makes Santana and Brittany happy has _nothing_ to do with what might work for you guys.”

“You’re right,” he said with a soft smile. “I’ll… talk to him.” He looked back down at the packet of materials from Ohio State.

Rachel found herself hoping the two of them would give polyamory a shot. She’d never considered Kurt to be an overly jealous type of guy. The more she thought about it, the more she felt convinced that if they came to a mutual agreement beforehand, Kurt might be totally okay letting Blaine sleep with someone else – someone who was way more _into_ sex than Kurt himself had ever been.

She just hoped this wouldn’t start too soon. She wasn’t ready to have to deal with Blaine needing the apartment for _that_ type of activity on any sort of regular basis.


	6. None of Us Deserve to Feel All Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Emma’s point of view.
> 
> It takes place during the first half of an AU version of season 5, not long after chapters 1 and 4 took place. Remember, in this universe Beiste never had a crush on Will. Content warnings for Emma’s OCD, and for Beiste recounting what her experience being abused by Cooter was like (a part of the timeline I’ve skipped over, so this is all past tense now). Also, there is a brief reference to sexual assault in relation to a student Emma counseled as part of her job.
> 
> Also note: Strong commentary on the purity culture that exists in some denominations of Christianity in this chapter.

Emma lingered behind in the pews, intently focused on the hymnal in her hands as her husband went over to greet one of his students. The church they attended every Sunday was the very same church Emma had grown up in – Will had started attending Emma’s once the couple had begun living in the same apartment. Usually, Emma found a sense of comfort from simply being in this religious building. It had such beautiful architecture, both inside and out. But most of the comfort she gained from it was more from the intense feeling that God was really there, more present than ever, whenever she was in this place meant to honor Him.

However, the minister’s sermon topic on this particular morning had hit uncomfortably close to home for Emma. As a result, she was now compulsively dusting off the book’s cover with her handkerchief in a repetitive motion. She couldn’t seem to stop, to simply return it to the back of the seat in front of her. She was wearing a formal black skirt and simple white blouse with a white sweater on her shoulders; she never wore disrespectful or “fun” colors to church. Her bright orange hair was the only color that radiated from her presence. It was bouncing slightly from the movement of her body as she continued to sweep her arm back and forth over the dark book, wiping off the dust that was no longer there.

One, two, three. One, two, three. One, two, three.

For a moment, it made her imagine some type of a cruel waltz.

The compulsion was spiraling out of control and consuming all of her attention. She _needed_ to focus on something – on _anything_ – besides the counting in her head. She silently said a little prayer, asking for God to give her strength in this moment – a moment when she felt so desperate, so weak.

With a great deal of effort, Emma moved her thoughts back to the upsetting sermon that had triggered her anxious cleaning. The minister had been mainly preaching to the younger crowd about the virtue of saving oneself for marriage. He also had gushed about “ _just how wonderful_ the gift of love between a husband and wife is”. Of course she could read between the lines; she knew in this context when he’d said “gift of love”, he had been clearly referring not just to love in general, but rather to the specific feeling of elation that was an orgasm. He had gone on and on, trying to drive home the point that this amazing thing could only be found within the confines of holy matrimony and if one attempted to find it outside of marriage, it wouldn’t be special anymore, and any pleasure gained from it would be sinfully _hedonistic_. He was clearly trying to shame anyone in the congregation who had ever dared to _enjoy_ premarital sex, and make them feel guilt for their actions. He was also making a very convincing argument – toward mostly the boys and men currently feeling that type of temptation – that they _must_ resist that urge to commit the sin at all costs. Otherwise they were risking so much, even Heaven itself. More importantly, congregants of the female persuasion who didn’t do everything they could to dress modestly and avoid tempting their boyfriends would be betraying their future husbands. A man deserved an _untainted_ bride, didn’t he?

Emma found herself shocked and even a little ashamed at the moment, that morning, when she fully realized that she had once _completely agreed_ with these sentiments. She _used_ to be privately judgmental toward people who participated in one-night-stands and casual “hook-ups”. _Sex without first having love?_ It had never made sense to her. And so she’d found it easy to go along with the idea that God didn’t sanction that type of sexual expression. She hadn’t even realized how sexist it all was until _very_ recently.

But years had passed since she’d first accepted those ideas, and gradually, with age and experience Emma found herself realizing just how flawed evangelical purity culture was in its entirety. Her church wasn’t the only one in Lima that had participated in glorifying the concept of a girl’s virginity, and in elevating the idea of marriage so very much. And she’d seen firsthand the damage it could do to her students. Obviously demonization of homosexuality hurt the kids who weren’t straight but were still trying to fit the mold, to fit the only script their church provided. She witnessed that as well. But the purity culture resulted in kids proposing to one another before they were even legally able to marry without their parents’ consent! She’d even seen boys _disappointed_ to learn that despite a girl as young as sixteen being allowed to enter into a marriage as long as she had consent, in the state of Ohio _he_ was required to wait until his eighteenth birthday, no matter what. Emma never quite knew what to say to these kids who were so sure their love would last forever, and who were often members of Celibacy Club and clearly getting married for only one reason.

There were also kids who got STDs or pregnant, after being unable to resist the typical adolescent temptations – temptations that she’d never had. But the problem was that when they did sin in this way, they weren’t properly prepared, knowing _nothing_ about all of the preventative tools that existed. Her job often ended up with her providing pamphlets on hormonal birth control or barrier methods only _after_ it was a little too late for these kids. The constraints their school district had placed on her had meant she wasn’t even allowed to speak about it! The best she could do was heavily encourage her students to read what she handed them. Will had been right when he’d said a couple of years prior that the sex-ed curriculum in McKinley was in dire need of some improvements.

The worst was when a teacher had sent a crying girl to Emma, and Emma had found out that the poor child was dealing with the aftermath of a sexual assault at the hands of her ex-boyfriend. As if that wasn’t awful enough, the girl also confided that she felt responsible for what had happened, because after all – she claimed – she _had_ tempted this cruel teenage boy. And now, she knew no man would ever want to touch her again, and she was mourning the loss of her entire romantic future. In her own tearful words she was ‘de-flowered’, and would never be able to ‘be a flower’ again, no matter what. She thought these things mainly because, Emma soon would find out, _that_ was what she’d specifically been taught in her religion.

Emma swept her cloth across the book three more times in quick succession. _Those poor kids, coming into her office in tears. They weren’t sinners. None of them were._

This sermon today about sex and marriage had led Emma to think about her own marriages, and about her almost-marriage too. She remembered how she could _never_ will herself to participate in any remotely sexual act with Carl, despite their status as husband and wife – a fact which had led to their annulment. She remembered how she had found herself _grateful_ when Ken had jilted her at the altar. And then finally she remembered how with her soulmate, although she may have needed a while, it had not been necessary to delay any acts of love-making until after they’d said their ‘I do’s.

Emma wasn’t sure when it had happened, but somewhere along the way, she’d stopped believing that God frowned upon sex outside of marriage, regardless of if that concept was apparently still worthy to be the basis for an entire sermon her pastor might give. For years now, Emma had been _trying_ to hold onto her love for this church. Nostalgia went a long way, and besides, she still believed in Jesus, and that everything happened for a reason – that God didn’t ever make mistakes. In the end, she knew everyone she loved would end up happily ever after in Heaven. And some of those people she felt a genuine love for were people she only ever saw on these Sunday mornings, plus occasionally special church events, like the Saturday afternoon picnics which only happened a few times a year. Over the last couple of decades, they’d become her friends. She’d hate to never see them again for the rest of her life. It would just be _too difficult_ to let go of the community here, and so Emma had kept attending every week, even if she didn’t agree completely with everything that might be said from the pulpit.

Today, however, it was so much harder to ignore the message, because she couldn’t stop thinking about how alienating the part of the sermon about the wonderful gift would’ve been to some people who might have been in the congregation – people who were _currently_ in marriages like hers and Carl’s had been. Marriages where there might have been _some_ love… but where one partner was on the asexual spectrum. _She’d_ been in that type of marriage only a couple of years ago. Holy Matrimony didn’t work like a switch to make you sexually interested in your partner. She now knew that, but she hadn’t had that wisdom when she was a young, impressionable girl in church. Suddenly, this morning, it had finally hit her just how much these messages had confused her and complicated her life for so many years. She _hated_ the thought of there being young people in her church who didn’t know asexuality existed, and who were hearing this man’s words and believing in them, expecting to be able to experience one of God’s most wonderful gifts one day, when maybe they really wouldn’t, not ever. _She_ was demisexual. The way her life had turned out, yes, she now really did know what the minister was talking about. Sex with her husband _was_ truly magical for her. She sent up a little prayer in thanks for allowing her path to cross with Will, for all of the events that led to the happy place she was at in her current life.

 _But what if she had never met Will?_ Her heart clenched in her chest and she felt on the verge of tears, merely considering how her life could’ve turned out, and how painful it could’ve been for her. And then there he was, his hand gently on hers, stopping the motion of her handkerchief, the motion she hadn’t fully realized she was still engaged in.

“Honey?” he said very softly, and Emma got the distinct impression that he was legitimately afraid she might break.

She hated seeming so fragile and in a quick motion, returned the hymnal to its rightful place. She felt a surge of pride in herself for being able to do it. It was easier to let go of than she’d expected.

“I’m sorry I left you here alone,” he apologized, sounding so guilty. “I didn’t realize you…”

Emma hated the way he trailed off. The way he still didn’t know what to say about her OCD. The way he was acting like this was something _he_ had the power to control, rather than _her own_ mental illness.

She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then pushed herself up off the bench into a standing position. “Let’s go home.”

Will simply nodded, taking her hand in his.

 

* * *

 

A few days later, Emma did end up talking to Dr. Shane about her episode in church. The OCD episode _triggered_ by the words said in that church. The doctor had then suggested something Emma hadn’t wanted to hear, but deep down knew was the only real, long-term solution; switch to a new church. Say goodbye to the toxic environment. Stay in touch with her church-friends in other ways, if they were important to her.

The following morning at school, while all of the kids were in their second class of the day and she had a brief break with an empty office, she couldn’t help but hear her therapist’s words echo in her head. Emma knew Will would follow wherever she wanted to go. She made the decision to research her options that afternoon. She would’ve started on it immediately, except – thanks to McKinley’s extremely limited budget – she didn’t even have a computer in her office, and attempting to do that kind of research on her phone would probably drive her crazy. Well, not actually _crazy_. Emma hated when that word even crossed her own private thoughts, and so the moment it happened, she actually tensed up. Far too often, throughout her life, she had been insensitively called crazy by people who simply _didn’t understand_.

In the teacher’s lounge at lunch, she met up with Shannon, thinking of maybe asking her where _she_ currently attended church, or even possibly to borrow the computer in the locker room while all the boys were guaranteed to be elsewhere. However, before she got a chance to ask, Shannon posited a question of her own.

“Hey, you think you might be up for bowling this weekend?”

Emma was surprised by the out-of-nowhere invitation. She was pretty sure she hadn’t gone bowling since she was a child.

“Um, sure,” Emma answered. “I’m pretty sure Will doesn’t need to spend _both_ days grading his kids’ papers on The Magna Carta.” She smiled warmly, already excited at the idea of doing something fun and different.

“Oh,” Beiste said. “Actually, um… I was hoping maybe it could be a… girl’s night out kind of a thing. Only we could do it in the daytime if you wanted, I’m not picky about the time. Just…”

“No Will?” Emma finished for her.

Shannon seemed embarrassed when she nodded in affirmation.

“Oh, okay,” Emma said. “Sure.” She wasn’t sure what to make of Shannon not wanting Will to be involved, especially since she knew her husband and the coach were close friends too, possibly even closer than _she_ was with Shannon. “You’re not… in a fight with him, or something, are you?”

“Oh, no. Nothing like that,” Beiste reassured her.

Emma then remembered that Shannon hadn’t dated anyone since her painful divorce, and maybe being the third wheel on a night out would be too upsetting for her. She didn’t want to push the subject of the number of fish there were in the sea, though. So Emma simply nodded and accepted the fact that it would be just the two women out bowling on the coming weekend, deciding she didn’t need a real explanation.

 

* * *

 

Bowling turned out to be a blast. Emma knew she looked out of place in those bowling shoes she rented, but that just made the whole thing feel sillier and ultimately, more fun. She shouldn’t have been surprised by how strong the school football coach was, but the weight of the ball Shannon preferred and the force with which she sent it down the lane and into the pins did surprise her, just the same. Emma was so impressed.

Meanwhile, Emma was grateful to not be judged for the number of times her only eleven-pound ball was falling into the gutter. Besides, by their second game Emma had improved significantly and was hitting some pins at least every other time she rolled the ball.

“Congratulations,” Emma said after the second game concluded, knowing her friend had won fair and square. “Sorry I wasn’t much competition!” she jokingly apologized.

Shannon beamed and shrugged off that apology. “You did great, considering the number of years since you last tried this game!” her friend commended her.

Emma blushed slightly.

Shannon’s tone turned slightly more serious as they sat beside each other in the chairs, removing their rented footwear and returning their feet to what they’d worn outside. “Seriously, though, thanks for coming out here with me. I haven’t actually gone bowling since… well… me and Cooter used to do this pretty often.”

Emma paused mid-untying of a lace and sympathetically looked toward Shannon. “I’m really sorry I didn’t notice what was happening with you and Cooter until after you told me,” she said. Emma had been feeling a little guilty ever since then. She was a trained guidance counselor and should’ve known more about the warning signs of abuse when it came to her closest friends.

Shannon shook her head, dismissing the apology. “You got nothing to be sorry for. Cooter on the other hand…” Shannon trailed off, clearly thinking about all he’d done. She looked angry now as she reflected upon it all.

Emma remembered when she had only looked sad, and hoped this was an improvement – a sign that Shannon’s emotional wounds were healing into scars, scars that would hopefully fade with time.

“I’m just glad I was already too old to really get pregnant,” Beiste then commented casually.

Emma’s eyes went a little wide. Emma and Will were currently trying to get pregnant, themselves. She was surprised to hear Shannon bring up the topic.

Shannon seemed to notice Emma’s reaction, because she then elaborated, “Cooter said he wanted a baby. My whole life I knew on some level that I never wanted kids, but he had me so twisted up, I got to thinkin’ maybe he knew me better than I knew myself! I actually let him… try with me a few times. And besides, I was kind of afraid if I said no that he’d leave me… and if he did, I’d be alone, for the rest of my life.”

It had been a long time since Emma had heard her say so much about the awfulness she’d experienced with Cooter.

“I’m so sorry you had to go through that,” she said. She wished people who wanted to remain childfree could have their choice respected, always, especially by people like their husbands.

“You don’t even know the half of it!” Shannon continued, and then she looked around nervously, realizing they were in public and this topic of conversation was private. At a near whisper, she then said, “I actually… never even enjoyed sex with him, not once. I don’t know if we just didn’t have chemistry, or if I was always a little intimidated by him and those feelings got in the way, or what.”

Emma suddenly felt a rush of emotions, all at once. These topics had been on her mind so heavily the past few days. Plus, she felt oddly honored that Shannon felt comfortable confiding all of this in her. She felt very tempted to bring up the asexuality spectrum to Shannon, but at the same time nervous that it’d be completely inapplicable in her friend’s specific circumstance. Emma felt torn about if she should say anything now, or later after she gave Shannon space to maybe admit some other hard truths about that abusive relationship she’d managed to escape.

Luckily, Emma didn’t have to decide, because Shannon made that decision for her. “Actually though,” Shannon said, “I just heard some of my players mention something in a… private conversation the other day, and I was wondering if you’d heard of it? I probably shouldn’t have been eavesdropping but they were talking about a girl they like who’s… asexual?”

Emma laughed slightly, so pleasantly caught off guard by that.

Shannon’s facial expression sunk, and Emma quickly reached out a hand to gently touch Shannon’s and try to reassure her that she wasn’t laughing at her friend, not in the slightest.

“No, no, it’s just… I actually am asexual, myself,” she clarified, hoping that would be enough to explain away the reflex of laughter.

Shannon blinked a few times, and then furrowed her brow in confusion. “But… you and Will…”

“Well, maybe I’m not the same type of asexual as you,” Emma elaborated. “I’m actually demisexual. Have you heard of that?”

Shannon shook her head, indicating that she hadn’t.

“It basically means…. Well, people who are demisexual tend to need a strong emotional connection first, before they might possibly find someone sexually attractive. Most people only use the term ‘demi’ if they _never_ find themselves with sexual crushes on actors in movies or strangers on the street, if they only have those kinds of… feelings of… well, _lust_ , for people they are already close friends with, like me and Will were before we started dating.”

Shannon nodded slowly, clearly trying to understand. “Yeah, I don’t… I’m not sure if I’ve ever felt lust in my entire life. Or… or even a crush at all,” she admitted slowly. “I mean, I wanted to be wanted by someone, but that’s more… insecurity than actually being drawn toward someone, isn’t it?”

Shannon looked so vulnerable in that moment, so hopeful that maybe Emma could help her figure out herself, figure out something that must have been so confusing and difficult for the vast majority of Shannon’s adult life.

Emma was overcome with emotion for her friend. “You know what we need?”

“What?”

“A Lima, Ohio group for people who are asexual in various ways to meet up and discuss their experiences, or learn more about the topic.”

Shannon was the one to laugh this time. “Yeah, I think we could really benefit from that.”

“Shannon? I propose you do some research online and be the one to start it. I think you might be… aromantic, based on your comment about not having crushes, but I’m not sure. You should look that up and see if it fits you or not. But regardless, I just think you’re already a coach, and you’re great at being a leader.”

Shannon seemed touched by the compliment.

Emma would soon hopefully be busy with a baby – and for the rest of her life, she knew she’d always be pretty busy between school and her family – but if Shannon was really an aromantic asexual like Emma suspected – someone who would never even have a partner, let alone kids – maybe Shannon could have the time to dedicate to this worthy endeavor. She hoped charging Shannon with this responsibility wasn’t overstepping. She hoped Shannon knew she didn’t have to take Emma’s suggestion. Emma just thought it _might_ be a really good idea.

“Y’know what?” Beiste replied. “I’ll definitely consider starting something like that. Anything I could do to help probably’d be worth it.”

Emma smiled, so glad Shannon was reacting in this fashion.

Beiste continued, “I really hate the idea of folks who live right here in town thinking they’re the only person in the world with these feelings toward sex – or the only one to _lack_ those kinds of feelings, I guess. I mean, we were friends and I didn’t even know that about you! But maybe if that group existed, I would’ve found out sooner.”

“Yeah,” Emma replied. After a moment of thought, she added, “None of us deserve to feel all alone.”


	7. Romance? Quoi?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Marley’s point of view. 
> 
> Please be wary of some characters beginning to have some invalidating comments when Marley comes out as asexual.

Marley sat across from her psychiatrist, trying to work up the courage to say the words. The session was almost over. If she didn’t do it now she would have to wait till the next one. She’d already told Dr. Nelson that she had something she needed to tell her before her mom arrived to pick her up. The only problem was that actually saying it was proving to be more difficult than she’d realized it’d be.

The adult leaned forward. “You don’t have to be afraid to admit anything to me,” she said gently. “I’ve probably heard it all before.”

Marley pursed her lips some more and then broke eye contact. She nervously fiddled with the hem of her skirt as she mumbled, “I’m a different sexual orientation than I thought I was.”

“Oh?” Dr. Nelson replied with intrigue.

“Yeah.” Marley took a deep breath and then looked back into those wise brown eyes, eyes that belonged to a person she had grown to trust so much over the past six months. “I’m asexual. Ace, for short. Actually, more specifically, a sex-averse, non-libidoist… ‘double-u tee eff romantic’ type of asexual,” she said as quickly as she could, trying to get it all over with. “Although lately, I’ve been liking the term ‘quoiromantic’ more. I just discovered it. It comes from the French word for ‘what’ and it’s less related to the F-word, a word I’ve never actually used in my life, I’m really not someone to swear… so I guess I probably will stop saying WTFromantic and instead call myself quoiromantic from now on.”

She realized she’d been rambling, and her therapist hadn’t said a thing. So Marley fell silent and waited for Dr. Nelson’s response.

“I’m not sure where you’re getting all of these… terms,” the woman finally said, and Marley couldn’t help but think that her tone sounded condescending. “Are you trying to say that you don’t have a sex drive right now?”

“Well, yeah, I guess, but-” Marley began.

Dr. Nelson cut her off. “That’s totally normal for a girl who’s still in the early stages of her recovery from anorexia and bulimia. You had a small relapse just two weeks ago. Depriving yourself of the nutrients you need really hurts your body in a lot of ways. This is just one of those symptoms. You need to have patience. If your lack of a sex drive is _really_ bothering you, we can try a few types of medications, however-”

“No!” Marley interrupted forcefully, feeling so disappointed and frustrated all at once that she was now on the verge of tears. “I’m asexual. It’s _different_ than just a low sex drive, because well, I just don’t find guys – or girls, or _anyone_ – sexy!”

“Well, I know it might feel that way to you right now. But when you have an eating disorder, your thoughts are so focused on your own body and what other people might be seeing. Give yourself time to recover and you’ll find boys appealing in that way again!”

Marley didn’t want to listen to what this woman was saying. She wanted to find Unique and tell her it had gone horribly. The plan that she and her friend had discussed ahead of time had gone wrong in every way they knew it might, but had hoped it wouldn’t. Dr. Nelson had never even heard of asexuality. Dr. Nelson didn’t understand. She didn’t understand that even _before_ Marley had started having an unhealthy relationship with food – and laxatives, and mirrors – that Marley had been this way. Marley didn’t have it in her to educate her therapist. She simply _couldn’t_ interrupt _again_ to try to inform her doctor that there were other people in the world who _didn’t_ have mental illnesses yet _still_ somehow were asexual. Dr. Nelson didn’t understand _any_ of it.

The tears pricked at her eyes and Marley blinked heavily, wishing them away.

Somehow, Marley managed to endure the final two minutes of the session, get back in the car next to her mother, and lie that everything had gone fine.

Somehow, Marley was able to hold in her tears until the door to her bedroom was shut and she had complete and total privacy. As soon as the lock clicked into place, she turned into a hysterical wreck.

Somehow, Unique had known she should come over, just in case, and make sure her best friend was okay. The black girl knocked and announced herself, and then Marley regained most of her composure and let her in.

Unique noticed the damp spot on the pillow Marley had been crying into – the light-green color had deepened into a forest shade.

“What happened?” Unique asked sadly. Her shoulders drooped a bit, her entire demeanor sinking as she realized how upset Marley was.

Marley took a few deep breaths. “I shouldn’t have told her,” she said simply. She wiped away the last remaining tears, leaving behind a puffy redness.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Unique asked gently.

“No. Let’s talk about you. What did _you_ do while I was at the worst-appointment-ever?” Marley countered with a small, mirthless chuckle.

Unique sat down on the edge of Marley’s bed with a sympathetic smile that, like all sad smiles, didn’t reach her eyes. Marley joined her on top of the bedspread.

“Well, Ryder and I were hanging out,” Unique said. “It was nothing special.”

Marley suddenly felt overwhelmed by everything she knew Unique did feel for Ryder.

“It would’ve been special if you’d finally had _sex_ , wouldn’t it?” Marley replied, a little more harshly than she’d intended.

Unique looked taken aback. She blinked a few times but before she had a chance to respond, Marley began to apologize.

“I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I know-”

“You _know_? You know that I’m a girl with all the wrong body parts who has to wear a wig because of her stupid parents who won’t let her grow out her hair? That I’m in a relationship with a boy who _at first_ wouldn’t even accept that I was a girl? Do you?” Unique was so angry. “Because it sounds like maybe you forgot!”

Marley felt awful. She’d never wanted to hurt her friend. She had _just_ experienced what it was like to have someone say all the wrong things to her. How could she have been so insensitive?! Marley loved Unique. She loved Unique as much as she loved Jake, if she was being honest. She hadn’t told Unique that yet, but her love for Unique was actually the main reason she had settled on the quoiromantic label. Because she cared so deeply about her friend. And sometimes, she wished Unique wasn’t dating anyone. Sometimes she wished Unique could just be hers.

Quietly, in a very timid voice, Marley responded. “I do know. I didn’t forget.”

Unique nodded. “You just need an asexual friend sometimes?”

Marley smiled meekly. “And you probably need a trans friend just as badly.”

“You can say that again, sister.”

They hugged, Marley grateful to have been forgiven. “At least we have each other,” Marley whispered into Unique’s hair. She really did forget it was a wig, most of the time. And wasn’t that a good thing? Marley was pretty sure it was.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Jake took her hand in his. Marley was ready to explain what had happened in her therapist’s office to her mother. She had not yet come out to her mother, but this time she had Jake to back her up, unlike when she’d been so vulnerable and alone with Dr. Nelson.

“I need to switch therapists, Mom,” Marley announced.

Millie looked up from the huge pot of oatmeal she was stirring in the otherwise deserted school kitchen. It was before school – before even the few kids who came for breakfast would arrive – and the whole building was still quiet, providing them privacy for the personal conversation that was about to ensue.

“Why?” she asked quickly, full of concern. Her eyes flitted toward her daughter’s boyfriend, and then toward their linked hands.

“Well, first I need to tell you something that I… should’ve told you already,” Marley said slowly.

Millie furrowed her brow. “Are you okay, hun?”

“I’m fine. I’m just… asexual,” she explained.

“No, _I’m_ asexual,” Millie said with a laugh. “Haven’t been with a man since your father! You’re young, you can’t use that term yet.”

“No, Ms. Rose, Marley means-” Jake started to quietly explain, but Millie wasn’t paying attention.

She continued, “I mean, I’m really happy to hear you’re not _doing the nasty_ yet, darlings,” completely oblivious to everything.

“Mom!” Marley shouted, full of embarrassment. Jake was, sure enough, stifling a giggle. How could her mother say such things _in front of her boyfriend_?

“Sorry, honey. What were you saying?”

“I was trying to say that I’m asexual. It’s got nothing to do with… celibacy.” Marley wondered how her mother might feel about that term being applied to her long period without a sexual partner, but then decided it was something to think about another time and simply pushed forward. “Jake isn’t asexual, but I am, and we’re still trying to make our relationship work. It’s… my sexual orientation.”

Millie now was listening more intently.

Marley continued, “If I was a lesbian, I’d be sexually attracted to girls and not guys. If I was straight…” she took a deep breath. “If I was straight, I’d feel that way toward guys and not girls.”

“Right, and if you were one of them bisexuals, you’d like everybody. Are you saying you’re none of the above, hun?” Millie’s voice conveyed confusion.

“Actually… yeah, Mom, that’s exactly what I’m saying. I… don’t find people sexually attractive.”

“But honey! I was hoping for you and Mr. Puckerman here to give me some gorgeous, milk-chocolate grandbabies one day!”

“Mom!” Marley shouted again, this time in a much more horrified tone. What her mother had just said was… well, she was pretty sure it was racist. It was also very presumptuous, and besides, what did her not finding guys sexually attractive have to do with her plans to have children?

“I… What? No,” she stammered. “I’m only fifteen years old, Mom!”

“Sorry, sweetie. I guess I got ahead of myself?”

“It’s okay,” Jake assured her. “It was confusing for me too, at first.”

“Thanks, sweetheart,” she said to the boy.

“So anyway, I need to switch therapists because when I told Dr. Nelson, she hadn’t even heard of asexuality. I can’t keep seeing her. Or at least, I _really_ don’t want to. Please, Mom.”

“Okay, okay,” Millie said, trying to catch up, her eyes now wide. “Whatever you need. I trust your judgment, honey.”

Marley felt herself relax. “Thanks, Mom.”

“No problem.”

 

* * *

 

Marley and Jake left the kitchen and once in the hallway, parted ways with a chaste kiss. Marley felt a rush in her chest as their lips touched. She always loved these shows of affection, just like she loved hand-holding, and hugging, and cuddling. She loved being close to her boyfriend in this way. It felt special and intimate, and not at all sexual in her mind. She appreciated Jake so much, especially for having stood by her as she did such a difficult thing this morning. She’d been so nervous about what her mom’s reaction might be after what had happened with Dr. Nelson the day prior. In the end, her mom had taken it fairly well, she thought.

She let Jake walk toward his locker and turned around to proceed in the direction of her own. She passed by Mr. Schue’s office and experienced a flash of painful déjà vu. It was a memory of the office looking exactly this same way right after Finn had left to go off to college at her suggestion. Suddenly, she was struck with a thought that had never crossed her mind before. What if Finn, when he was alive, had ever looked at her in a sexual way?

She’d always just assumed he’d seen her as a little sister. She’d felt comfortable in his presence, as if he was the big brother she’d never had. But that had been when the world was simpler, when she hadn’t yet fully understood just how often sex was on the average boy’s mind, when she had sort of seen _everyone_ as asexual-until-proven-otherwise, because she didn’t even know asexuality existed but subconsciously she’d just wanted everyone to be like her. Finn was only a few years older than her. A _normal_ girl who wasn’t _broken_ the way Marley was probably would’ve been crushing so hard on that college boy. She started to shed a few tears, and tried to convince herself they were being brought on by grief. She did still miss Finn, desperately. He had been the only person not to blame her for their Sectionals loss. He had been so kind to her. But no, she couldn’t lie to herself. Who was she trying to fool? Today, her tears were selfish, and that made her feel even worse. She wasn’t crying because Finn was dead. She was crying because there was a chance he had looked at her in a sexual way, and she would have been so oblivious. She was crying because she felt like a miserable excuse for a human being, like maybe Dr. Nelson had been right – maybe if she wasn’t mentally ill, she’d be able to feel sexual attraction for the beautiful people all around her in her life.

Marley ran into the girls’ bathroom, needing a moment alone. She stood with her back to the sinks – to the mirrors – and took a few minutes to try and calm down. She was sex-averse, and that was okay. She’d read about that online. It was normal for some sex-averse and sex-repulsed people to feel uncomfortable at even just the thought of other people finding them sexy. It was normal. She wasn’t broken. She wasn’t.

 

* * *

 

Before lunch, Glee Club met, and Marley sat next to Jake, her arm entwined in his. However, she kept stealing glances the whole time toward Ryder and Unique. She thought about it, and realized she really did hope they could be happy together. They looked surprisingly cute together. Ryder really was giving this relationship a chance. Marley was glad. Ryder deserved happiness too, and _of course_ she wanted Unique to be happy. Marley really did. It wasn’t fair to feel jealous.

Mr. Schue gave them all their assignment for the week: _Heartbreaking Break-Up Songs_. He looked at the couples around the room and said, “Don’t sing them to your girlfriends or boyfriends, of course!” He chuckled, hoping people would like his assignment. “Make me cry, kids! I know you can do it!”

Marley looked over at Jake and wondered if Mr. Schue’s assignment was a _not-so-subtle_ sign-from-the-universe that it might be time to set her boyfriend free. She wasn’t sure how much longer he could live without sex, and she wasn’t sure how much longer she wanted to ask him to, anyway.

 

* * *

 

Later that day, as English class was concluding, everyone was assigned to go home and write a poem about unrequited love. It was a theme that seemed to come up in a lot of the works they read, and Marley couldn’t help but think about how much she’d enjoyed _Cyrano de Bergerac_ earlier in the year. She always loved that type of romantic fiction. Love stories made sense to her. It was when she tried to fit _herself_ into the narrative that she found herself lost and confused. She hadn’t even left the classroom before she decided that her poem was going to be about the _other_ side of unrequited love. She was going to write about not being able to return, or “requite”, the love. About not feeling things she might wish she could feel. She wished she could feel them because she didn’t want to hurt the other person. But the simple act of not feeling what they felt… it did hurt them.

As she did her homework at the desk in her bedroom that evening, she found herself shedding tears over the poem she was writing. Gosh she had cried so much in the past two days. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been this emotional. Every new thing kept hitting her hard.

She couldn’t help but imagine turning the poem into a song, a song she could see herself singing to Jake this week in glee club. She walked over to the acoustic guitar she kept in the corner of her bedroom and pulled it out of its case and began to strum a few chords, trying to see if she could pull off the right emotions in the music.

She was never going to be able to give Jake everything he wanted or needed. She was never going to be happy spending the rest of her life with Jake, either. She didn’t know how to explain it. She loved him, but she also loved Unique, and Ryder, and her mom. She had loved Finn. It all felt extremely similar to her. She had told Jake she was panromantic, but if that was true, then how could she not be able to differentiate what she felt for her mom in any meaningful way from what she felt for Jake, or Unique? What was romance, and why couldn’t the internet answer any of her questions?

She wondered if the poets of the world, throughout the centuries, had any insights into what exactly the difference was between romantic love and platonic love. Platonic was the word people used for all of the other kinds, right? Friendships? Family? Other, not-so-easily-categorized relationships?

She put her guitar back down. The song _sucked_. The poem was _okay_ and she figured she’d get an ‘A’ on the assignment – she always did, in English class – but she was struggling so much with the music. Maybe Unique could help her someday. Unique always had a better ear for composition. All Marley could do well were the words.

But for the moment, it didn’t matter. She knew what song she would sing instead when she broke up with Jake. She had the perfect Kelly Clarkson song in mind.

And sure enough, the next day in Glee Club, she turned to Mr. Schue and commented, “I know you told us not to sing the songs… to our boyfriends, but…” Marley turned her head to face hers in the chairs in front of her, and all of her classmates eyes went wide in shock, some of them beginning to murmur. She ignored them and kept looking directly at Jake. “I’m really sorry, but… this is actually how I feel. We… probably should’ve ended things a long time ago, actually.”

She handed the sheet music to Brad. He began to play the opening. The piano notes blended perfectly, and felt even more emotional without the drums that one would hear in the real song.

And then she began to sing.

_Remember all the things we wanted_  
_Now all our memories, they're haunted_  
_We were always meant to say goodbye_

She knew she had to stave off her tears if she wanted her voice to remain full and powerful enough for the chorus of the song. She gathered up all the strength she had, and by the time she began singing the lines:

_And I want you to know_  
_You couldn't have loved me better_  
_But I want you to move on_  
_So I'm already gone_

Marley, who was still staring into Jake’s eyes, saw his own tears beginning to form.

_You know that I love you so  
I love you enough to let you go._

By the time Marley finished the song, her hands were shaking. She turned away from the class and walked toward the door, finally allowing the silent tears to stream down her face.

She couldn’t have asked for a better first boyfriend. She hoped he knew that the lyrics in the song had all been true. She may not know what kind of love it was she felt for Jake, but what she did know for sure was that she loved him. And she would forever be grateful to him for helping her understand herself so much better, for introducing her to asexuality, and for never trying to change her. For standing by her through all of it.


	8. “Fancy seeing you here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Blaine’s point of view, and the shortest chapter so far. Most of the chapters from this point forward are under 3,000 words long as the fic picks up the pace a bit. (Chapter 11, however, is over 4,000 words long, like a couple of the earlier chapters were.)
> 
> Enjoy!

“Oh my gosh! You’re really going to turn it into a musical? That’s amazing,” Blaine said excitedly as he stared into his laptop’s screen.

“Yeah,” Kurt replied with a grin. They were, of course, discussing the play he’d written with the gay ace lead character. “I’m so glad Professor Wong told me I should expand it into three separate acts. He was completely right.”

Blaine wished he’d taken the opportunity to meet the man while he was still in New York. He’d only been at NYADA for one semester, so he’d never gotten the chance to take one of his classes, but that didn’t mean Blaine couldn’t have stopped by during his office hours anyway. From what Kurt had told him, Wong was charismatic and intelligent and everything one could dream of getting in a professor. Blaine hoped his pre-med path would lead him to someone similarly inspiring who he too could learn an amazing amount from.

“And now,” Kurt continued, “I’ve decided to take the initiative and see if I can turn it into something with dance numbers and costumes and all of the things that make musicals _the best_.”

“You could have a singing character spell out A-S-E-X-U-A-L-I-T-Y, and it wouldn’t seem too corny!” Nothing was too corny for a musical. By the format’s very nature, they often were silly, on-the-nose, and over-the-top.

“I know,” Kurt agreed. “Repeating lyrics will be perfect for getting across the confusing aspects of the orientation – which is kind of necessary, since many audience members will be learning about for the first time. They’ll get a chance to hear everything more than once and maybe it’ll be easier for them to then understand Zack’s character. In _play_ form, it was never quite conducive to _educating_. Plus, did I mention the-”

“-costumes? Yeah, you did.” Blaine beamed back at his boyfriend. “Do you think you might get a say in their designs?”

“Well, I _hope_ I haven’t been working for a year-and-a-half at Vogue.com for nothing.”

Blaine was so happy Kurt was going to get a chance to put all of his loves into one project – his newfound passion for writing, his amazing eye for fashion, and his love of stage performances.

“So what about you? Are you worried about the first day at your new college tomorrow?” Kurt asked.

Blaine felt a familiar rush of anxiety at the reminder, but it was quickly overpowered by a more positive feeling. “No, I’m pretty optimistic that this transfer is going to prove to be the best decision for me,” he answered.

“Good,” Kurt said back.

Suddenly, Blaine changed the subject. “You’re sure it’s okay if I have sex with a girl?”

Kurt scowled. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “I meant it when I agreed to make our relationship an open one.”

“I know, but…” Blaine was pretty sure Kurt knew what the elephant in the virtual ‘room’ was.

“Yes,” Kurt supplied in response to the unasked question. “I am also okay with you being bisexual, and how that does mean you might sometimes be interested in _girls_ as well as guys. As long as you use condoms, regardless of gender, and as long as you tell me about it afterwards, we’ll be cool. I promise.”

Blaine smiled, grateful for that, but still just the tiniest bit worried Kurt would feel differently if it ever did happen.

“Well, I did… go to a bar last night,” he explained.

“Let me guess.” Kurt’s tone was still understanding, not at all upset. “It _wasn’t_ Scandals, was it?”

“I’m not even in Lima right now!” Blaine said with a chuckle. “You know I’m all the way in Columbus. But you’re right, it wasn’t a gay bar.”

“And did you buy drinks for any girls?”

“Just one.” Blaine watched carefully for Kurt’s reaction.

“Oh,” he said, seeming genuinely fine with it. “Well, thanks for telling me.”

“Nothing happened,” he said. “She turned me down.”

Kurt didn’t smile, like Blaine had half-expected him too. Kurt didn’t seem relieved. Instead, he expressed a look of disappointment. “I’m sorry. She’d have to be nuts to turn down a night with you.”

Blaine grinned. “Thanks.” Maybe this polyamory thing would work out, after all.

“Oh, I have something to tell you too,” Kurt said quickly, realizing the call seemed to be coming to a close.

“Sure. What?”

“Well, now that I’ve tweaked my play a lot and established just how much of a _man_ Zack is,” he explained, “I’ve been thinking about how Zack… isn’t me.”

“Well of course he isn’t, honey,” Blaine said, not sure where Kurt was going with this. “He’s just a character. You only put _aspects_ of yourself into him.”

“Yeah, but…” Kurt seemed to be struggling to gather his thoughts. “I have been questioning my own gender identity lately,” he finally revealed.

“Really?” Blaine asked incredulously, hoping he wasn’t hurting Kurt’s feelings by being surprised. Blaine was supposed to know Kurt better than anyone, and he was just shocked Kurt hadn’t talked about this sooner. “I thought you always _hated_ when your dad implied that-” he faltered in the place where he had been tempted to mention Finn’s name. “That another person was ‘more of a man’ than you.”

“Well yeah,” Kurt said defensively. “It was a reminder of all I was _supposed_ to be, but wasn’t. It meant I wasn’t who my dad had hoped I would be, and…” he lowered his tone. “And I was _failing_ in my role as his son.”

“Kurt,” Blaine said sadly, hating that he’d reminded Kurt of any of those feelings. “Your dad never _actually_ felt that way; you know that now.”

“I do,” Kurt said louder, now with conviction. “But what I _also_ finally know is that he was _right_ to think I wasn’t a man, exactly. Even if I’m definitely not a woman, either.”

Blaine was relieved to hear that. He had been worried, for a moment, that this was going to be an ‘I’m transgender, and actually am a woman’ conversation, one-hundred percent out of the blue. Kurt had never before even _hinted_ as relating to that experience, and it wouldn’t have made _any_ sense to Blaine to find out that Kurt was a trans woman. He listened intently, waiting for his boyfriend to continue.

“I think I’m… agender. I still am only attracted toward… masculine people, like you,” he said with a flirty chuckle. “And I’m biologically male, so it’s probably easier to still call myself a guy, and just homoromantic, rather than try to say I’m ‘androromantic’ or anything like that. But maybe I’m an… agender, or genderfluid guy?” He asked it like it was a question.

Blaine knew enough to not answer.

“Thanks for telling me you’ve been thinking about all this,” he replied softly, full of compassion and love. Blaine didn’t know much about people who identified as not having a gender – or as fluctuating between multiple genders – but now that it was so personal to Kurt, like when it had been important for Blaine to learn more about asexuality, Blaine felt he needed to research gender stuff too. It would be _more_ than worth it, because it would be for Kurt’s benefit.

“I love you,” Kurt told him with a smile.

“I love you, too,” Blaine said as his goodbye, and then they ended the call.

 

* * *

 

Blaine was in his car driving toward the Cincinnati Art Museum, hoping he’d beat his grandparents there. He’d planned ahead and knew the trip should take under two hours from his new dorm, at least according to the traffic app on his phone. This was his first weekend at his new school and he would’ve loved the chance to try to make friends with people his own age. He’d been invited to hang out this Saturday morning with a couple of friendly people he’d met on his floor! But his grandparents were in town this weekend so he had to try to accommodate them. They only had two grandkids, and Cooper wasn’t really the best company. Blaine, on the other hand, knew how to please the elderly. Art Museums every once in a while wouldn’t hurt him. In fact, he actually found them kind of enjoyable. Blaine expected to meet up with his father’s parents in the parking lot, and then spend a few uneventful hours perusing the exhibits, admiring particular pieces, and making small talk.

What he did _not_ expect was to run into someone he’d met back in Lima years earlier. Blaine had been on the second floor, admiring the European Art with his grandparents, when he’d been the first of their little group to turn the corner. Suddenly, Blaine was face-to-face with Sebastian Smythe, of all people.

“Wow,” Sebastian commented casually. Even when he was surprised he couldn’t allow it to show. “Fancy seeing you here.” He raised his eyebrows as he eyed Blaine up and down, taking in either his body or his outfit – Blaine couldn’t be sure which.

“Hi,” Blaine replied before Sebastian had quite finished. “I’m just visiting with my grandparents. They’re in from out of town.”

“Do you still live in Ohio? I was under the impression that you’d followed a bunch of McKinley kids to The Capital of the World,” Sebastian said, seemingly unimpressed with the idea of New York, but Blaine couldn’t help but latch onto the idea that Sebastian had paid attention to gossip about where he’d ended up.

“I did,” Blaine confirmed. “I transferred to Ohio State for the new semester, though. Decided the Academy of the Dramatic Arts wasn’t my scene after all.”

“Oh?” Sebastian seemed generally interested to learn this information. “I decided to move here to Cincinnati for school, personally. My sister lives here and she just had a kid. The father’s not in the picture, so I help out when I can, you know.”

Blaine was impressed to find out that Sebastian had this side to him. “Niece or nephew?” he asked, unable to contain his curiosity. He really did love kids.

“Niece. Her name’s Matilda.”

Blaine refrained from bringing up the obvious thing that name brought to mind.

Sebastian seemed to notice and shot him an _I-know-what-you’re-thinking_ expression with some more eyebrow movement before also shooting an appreciative smile for the lack of comment.

“So anyway yeah, I’m at the college attached to this museum actually, so they make us come here every week for our homework, pretty much.”

“Cool,” Blaine replied. “Did you graduate high school early?” He had no idea Sebastian, who he’d thought had been a whole year younger than him, was smart enough to start college the same year as Blaine.

“Just a semester early,” Sebastian explained. “I took a couple summer classes last year when Linda – that’s my sister – got pregnant. Babies out of wedlock are a big ‘no-no’ in my family. We both knew she’d be kicked out as soon as she started showing. She’s only a couple years older than me and well, I knew she’d need my help as soon as possible.”

“I can’t even imagine,” Blaine replied. He wasn’t sure what else to say, so he changed the subject. “What’s your major? The college here is purely an art school, right?”

“Yeah, it’s a branch off of the University of Cincinnati. I’m a Museum Studies undergraduate doing a simple Art History major. It almost guarantees me a job at this museum once I get out, and it’s actually pretty fascinating to learn about all of the dicks and psychos whose art fills these walls.”

Blaine glanced around nervously at the word ‘dicks’, worried children might be within earshot. He didn’t see any, but instead did see his grandparents admiring the Contemporary Art in this room now. He hadn’t even noticed when they’d walked by.

“Oh, I really should get back to them,” Blaine said apologetically, gesturing toward the elderly couple.

“I get it. I do have a class assignment to complete myself,” Sebastian said. “But you never got my phone number two years ago,” he added. “Give me your phone. I’ll program myself in.”

Blaine found his forwardness oddly… attractive – and refreshing.

“Kurt and I are still together,” he informed him as he handed over his mobile device, “but we’re… trying out an open relationship now.” It was the first opportunity Blaine had ever had to voice those words.

Sebastian took the phone and then shot Blaine a mischievous smile, before proceeding to press through to the ‘contacts’ section. “I’m glad you’ve seen the light. Monogamy was _never_ how I rolled.”

Blaine waited for Sebastian to add in his contact info, already not seeming to care that they lived over an hour away from each other. _Maybe they could meet up halfway in a motel somewhere?_ There was something ridiculously hot about the idea of that kind of a tryst – especially with Sebastian Smythe. The guy was gorgeous. And he had so much experience; he was probably beyond talented as a lover. He tried to blink away all thoughts of sex. His _grandparents_ were standing mere feet away!

Sebastian handed the phone back with a wink. “I’ll be awaiting your call,” he said knowingly, with one last onceover of Blaine’s body.

Blaine bit his lip, and then watched Sebastian leave the room. He may – or may not – have been staring at his ass.

Once Sebastian was out of sight, Blaine hastily caught up with his grandparents, grateful for their patience. He wondered, in a fleeting moment of panic, if Kurt would be okay with him doing this with _Sebastian_. Kurt probably hadn’t been expecting Blaine to hook up with anyone Kurt already _knew_. But Blaine then attempted to push the thought away for the time being. He needed to focus. _Grandparents, Blaine. Your grandparents are right here._

It didn’t work. Blaine didn’t really notice another piece of art the entire day. All he saw were fantasies in his head of what he might potentially get to do with Sebastian.


	9. *More* Ace Faces

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Shannon Beiste’s point of view.
> 
> It takes place about a year after the last Emma/Beiste conversation (the bowling alley scene in chapter 6). In my AU version of the-second-half-of-season-5, Marley, Jake, Ryder, and Unique never transferred to any different school and the glee club still exists for these kids’ sophomore year at McKinley High as well.
> 
> Now feel free to skip this unnecessarily long author’s note and just get on with reading the chapter. But for those who care, I just can’t quite resist voicing my frustration that Glee’s seasons 4 through 6 timeline makes absolutely no sense – a fact I’m sure many fic writers before me have realized, and one I too have struggled with once before. (It was during my “To Have Loved and Lost” series of oneshots about Finn’s death. which I do hope to keep writing eventually. :P)
> 
> If Emma got pregnant in episode 5x10 “Trio”, three episodes before what is presumably May or June 2013 when “The class of 2013” graduates from McKinley, then the latest 5x10 could’ve taken place is May of that year, right? May was the latest it could’ve been when Emma found out she was pregnant?? Not, say, July? I would like to assume she conceived in early May. This means her baby would’ve been due in January. However, in episode 5x17 “Opening Night” when Daniel Finn Schuester is actually born, the show confirms that it is April already because of the calendar on the wall? And while some people – Rachel, Santana, even Will, if you squint right – wear full length wool coats, that doesn’t clear much up. Honestly, judging by all of the characters’ outfits combined with the weather, it does look more like a cool week in the month of April than an unseasonably warm New York winter. But that makes no sense for the birth of Will & Emma’s baby. Emma didn’t find out for sure – from a doctor – that she was pregnant, and then 11 or 12 months later gave birth. She does not have the gestation period of a sea lion!! Come on, Glee. Why did you do this to us fic writers?
> 
> So for my own sanity I am creating a headcanon where the opening night for Funny Girl, along with the birth of Emma’s baby, was early January.
> 
> And therefore this chapter opens… during what I am saying is McKinley’s two week winter break in 2014, a couple weeks before the baby’s birth/the time Will travels to New York City. It’s after Christmas 2013/but before New Year’s.
> 
> Please enjoy it! ;)

Chapter 9: _More_ Ace Faces

Shannon’s snow boots were leaving the very first imprints in the fresh white covering over the ground. She stepped onto the approximate location of the cement walkway leading up to the Schuesters’ apartment building. Looking back up toward the door, she caught sight of Will and smiled. He returned the expression.

“I can’t believe my dentist didn’t just close the office today, given the streets!” Will said in good humor.

“The main roads have been cleared,” Shannon assured him.

“That’s good. I should be back within three hours,” Will promised.

“Well, don’t feel like you have to rush!” Shannon replied.

She truly was happy to be able to help out by keeping Emma company while Will got his teeth cleaned and then stopped by the grocery store and, if they were open despite the snow, the dry cleaners. She knew he didn’t feel comfortable at this point in her pregnancy being left all alone. He would have to do it for school once it returned for the second semester, even if she was already on maternity leave, but at least McKinley was only about ten blocks from his building. Emma had insisted she’d be fine if Will took the train to New York in January for less than a day just to see Rachel’s first ever Broadway performance. While Will had agreed that his former student deserved that from him, he had been so reluctant to leave town so close to her due date, so he’d asked Shannon as well as Emma’s sister, Ella, to both keep her company when that day came.

Today, his appointment would also be taking him further away than was typical on a day when he simply went in to work. So he asked Shannon to stop by this afternoon as well, and decided to take the opportunity to do a couple of other errands too.

Shannon took the elevator up, then arrived at their door and knocked. She was welcomed in, and tried to hide how surprised she was by how big Emma’s bump had gotten. It was a shocking sight to see the tiny woman like this. Per usual, Shannon removed her shoes in the doorway. This time, she then looked up toward the Christmas tree, which was still up, although all remnants of wrapping paper was certainly long gone.

“Your tree looks _gorgeous_.”

“Oh you haven’t seen it yet, have you?” Emma said happily. “Let me show you the special ornaments.” She led Shannon over and began to point out a couple of very pretty, one-of-a-kind, ornaments. “This one was given to Will this year by Carole, actually,” she pointed out in a bittersweet tone.

Shannon hadn’t realized just how close not just Finn but his whole family had been to Will until after his death. Emma and Shannon had loved Finn but never had known him quite as well, and Shannon had only briefly met his parents.

Shannon could tell the baby inside of Emma was making her feel extra sympathy for Finn’s mother, so she tried to take the focus back to the tree. “Where did you get this one?” she asked, indicating a wooden snowflake that appeared to have been hand-painted. It was a vibrant blue and purple.

She squinted. “I’m not sure. I think Will may have had it before we got together. I’ll have to ask him.”

Shannon nodded, understandingly.

“He may have gotten it from Terri!” Emma added with a laugh.

It sounded like Will may have a lot of leftover items from his first marriage, and Emma had learned to take them in stride.

“Would you like something to drink?” Emma then asked, gesturing toward the kitchen. “I think Will has a couple of bottles of beer left in the fridge, or…” she faltered, and then looked wistfully out the window. “This weather is making me crave some Hot Cocoa. I could make us some?”

“That sounds amazing,” Shannon replied. They began to walk toward the kitchen. “Would you like to sit down and let me boil the water, though?” she asked, mindful of the late stage of Emma’s pregnancy.

“Oh, no, it’s fine. You’re my guest, sit,” she said amiably, pointing toward a chair at the table before she reached into a cabinet for the tea kettle.

Shannon didn’t argue.

“So have you made progress with the group?” Emma asked, fully aware that Shannon had been planning to use her break off of work to finally get an ace-spectrum meeting up and running.

Shannon’s face lit up. “Oh, yes! Three people have already RSVP’d that they’ll be attending it on the website. Plus with me, it’ll be four of us.” Shannon knew with Emma’s new baby she wouldn’t be able to come. “We’ll meet in a corner of The Lima Bean, and hopefully it’ll be secluded enough for private conversations.”

Emma filled up the kettle in the sink. “Did you think a public place was necessary for the first meeting, rather than, say, your house?”

“Exactly,” Shannon replied. “I wonder what their romantic orientations will be.”

“Do you think you’ll get gray-As showing up too?” Emma asked.

“Well, I told them they were welcome if they fell anywhere on the spectrum, or even if they were just questioning and thought they might. So we’ll see!”

Emma turned on the burner, and then joined her friend at the kitchen table. “So what’s the date?”

“It’ll be after school’s back in session, since I wanted to make sure no one’s winter vacations would interfere with it. I scheduled it for the final weekend in January.”

“That sounds perfect.”

“I came out to Lori, too,” Shannon then informed her, changing the subject slightly.

“Oh?” Emma replied, cautiously.

“Yeah,” Shannon said with a bit of a shrug. “It could’ve gone a lot worse. I think she’s warming up to the idea. She just can’t relate at all and didn’t know it could be a thing, so at first she kept asking all these intrusive questions, like if I masturbate and stuff, and when I told her I did she basically said I couldn’t be asexual.”

Shannon had been pretty hurt, at first, by some of those comments her sister made. She’d been over at Lori’s for Christmas, spending some time with their parents, who had also come by. Lori also had a husband and a son, and Shannon loved spending time with her nephew. He had just turned ten and his vocabulary already was rivaling Shannon’s when she and her father joined him in a game of Scrabble.

“She’s warming up to the idea, though?” Emma asked.

“Yeah, she apologized after I got a little angry. I told her I had spent a lot of time looking into this and I was sure and she should trust my word, and then she kind of… realized I was right.”

“I’m glad,” Emma said. “I still haven’t told _my_ sister. I don’t know what I’m waiting for.”

“Well, there’s no real reason for you to come out to her,” Shannon said. “I mean, all that really matters is that she knows you’re happily married, right?”

“Well, I’m pretty close with Ella,” Emma replied. “She was there for me when I had to flee from my huge wedding, and since then we’ve bonded a bit more. I wasn’t very close with her after high school, but now we talk on the phone more and it’s nice. But I feel like I’m lying if she ever comments on, you know, George Clooney and I don’t bring it up. A lie of omission, I suppose, but still.”

“I get that,” Shannon replied. “Do you think you’ll ever tell your child?” Shannon asked, raising her eyebrows meaningfully as she looked in the direction of Emma’s belly.

Emma smiled. “Oh, after being a guidance counselor for so many years, there is no way I’d even think about hiding that kind of information from him or her. Hopefully, one day, _all_ of my children will find out about all of the things I wish I knew when I was young.”

“Oh, you’re planning to have more than just this one?” Shannon asked with a little bit of surprise. She was always surprised when she learned that people she knew were starting families, and so far her main experience had been Sue and Lori, who had each only wanted one child.

Emma smiled. “Will and I have both always dreamed of a large family.”

“You guys will be great parents,” Shannon replied. “Do you have any names picked out?”

Emma smiled. “For this one? Yeah. We’ve decided on Daniel if it’s a boy, and Charlotte if it’s a girl.”

“Those are both lovely,” Shannon replied in earnest.

The kettle began to whistle, and Emma got up to prepare the delicious chocolate beverages.

 

* * *

 

 

About a month later, Emma was still on her leave, busy with a baby. Shannon talked to Will at lunch and was pleased to learn Emma was handling the spit-up and diapers just fine, even with fewer therapy appointments. When it was little Danny’s messes, she was, in a way, happy to help clean them up. Parenthood was hard, and Will was more exhausted than he expected he’d be, but Shannon was so happy for them. She could tell it was also everything they’d hoped for.

When Shannon had informed Sue what she would be doing that coming weekend, it was also the first time she’d come out as aro ace to the cheerleading coach. Shannon probably shouldn’t have been surprised when the blond woman had confused asexuality with being agender, and told Shannon to have fun with all of the “Local Sexless Freaks”. Shannon knew her friend still cared about her; this was just Sue’s way of showing it. Sue had been her rock, in many ways, when her marriage with Cooter blew up. Shannon knew if she ever really needed Sue, she’d be there for her again.

A fifth person had signed up to come to the ace meet-up, and Shannon was now a few minutes early, sitting with the cup of joe she’d just purchased at a table along the back row of the café. She was impatiently waiting, vaguely enjoying the pop radio station the place had playing. This was going to be her chance to see Marley for the first real time since the school shooting scare. Despite them having spent that time hiding in the same classroom, Shannon still hadn’t really ever spoken with Marley before. Marley was the only student at McKinley that Shannon knew of who was asexual, and in fact she’d asked Ryder to tell her, as his friend, about this new group once she’d gotten the website up and running.

There was only one person of the male persuasion planning to show up, but he was the person who was closest to her in age – he was forty years old, according to his online profile, and had been married for ten years, his asexuality causing problems that had led to his divorce. Most of the people had not been so detailed online, so she’d have to wait till she saw them in-person to find out what their stories were.

She spotted a Latina girl walking slowly into the center of the seating area, her eyes scanning the room, looking for something. Shannon held up the “Aces of Lima” sign she’d printed off of her home computer, hoping if she displayed it more prominently it might help this young woman out. She wasn’t sure if this was the ‘Ana’ who had RSVP’d on the website, but since ‘Ana’ had not uploaded any profile picture, she thought it may very well be.

Sure enough, the girl smiled in recognition when she saw the sign and approached the table. “Hi, I’m Ana,” she said as she reached out her hand. Shannon grasped it and then shook it as she replied, “And I’m Shannon. It’s so nice to meet you!”

They chatted casually for about fifteen minutes while the other five people all trickled in to join them. Shannon kept having to reiterate to the new person at the table that she was a high school football coach, and she was a little surprised that no one questioned it at all. She was used to having to defend being a woman doing such a job, and this automatic acceptance of it as if it was typical was a refreshing change. There was something just so comfortable at their little table of six. They all were strangers, but they were all there with the same purpose, and somehow they just naturally slid from the surface details of each other’s lives into the nitty-gritty of their experiences with sex, romance, and relating to peers.

It ended up being Marley as the only high schooler, two women in their twenties – Clarice and Ana, a woman in her thirties named Lydia, and finally John, the 40-year-old man.

Lydia found out about the meetup on AVEN, and explained that she’d always known she was asexual, she just didn’t learn the word for it until about five years prior. She was so happy there was _finally_ a way to meet other ace people in the area, and thanked Shannon profusely for starting the group. Lydia was aromantic too, and had resigned years before learning the term to never be in a relationship. She never had even needed to try it, she’d just known she wouldn’t be comfortable.

Ana had actually come from quite a few towns over, and it had been over an hour of a drive, but she said it was worth it. She was really happy there was finally a way to meet other aces in the area, as she was heteroromantic and likely demisexual. She was hoping she might, in the future as the group grew, become friends with an ace man, and then maybe they could end up dating. She couldn’t fathom online dating. In her words, “if you don’t get to know the dude first, how can you know if you wanna date him?”. Ana also introduced the members to the idea of a ‘queerplatonic’ partner, which was something quoiromantic people like Marley might sometimes be interested in. “It’s like dating, but also not,” she’d explained vaguely. Clarice seemed to know the term already and was nodding affirmatively at that description. Shannon realized she had some more learning to do and resolved to Google it when the meeting was over.

Clarice had just figured out she was asexual the week prior thanks to Tumblr, and was the person who’d put in the last-minute RSVP. She was so happy to learn she wasn’t alone. She voiced something that Shannon had been thinking too. “There is something really reassuring about the fact that none of the other people in this restaurant would even be able to tell we were all asexual by looking over at us. We really are just… average, everyday people.” Shannon thought it was a lot easier to not feel broken once she realized that asexual people were simply people, like every else, with all sorts of looks, and careers, and personalities.

Everyone got a chance to tell their story, and then John suggested they see what board games The Lima Bean provided over in the couch area. They headed over and the first game they pulled out was a falling apart cardboard box containing Jenga. The group casually hung out for a few more hours, the café not crowded enough to mind their extended presence. They laughed as the blocks fell, and then proceeded to use the deck of cards for a few different games. Marley was particularly excited to learn how to play poker. John was somewhat of an expert and taught the rest of the group, as surprisingly none of them actually had gambled at all before. They didn’t bet real money this time, and instead just used assorted pieces of Candy that Lydia happened to have in her purse. The group parted ways in time for dinner, but resolved to make the next meet-up about one month later, in a new location. Clarice had suggested Faurot Park and the others had liked the idea, if the all of the season’s snow had melted in time, otherwise they thought maybe that’d be a better suggestion for March or April. Shannon was sure she could handle picking the spot they’d meet, though.

Simultaneously, the group began to notice what song was playing on the radio, which the younger ones recognized for sure at the lead in to the chorus.

 _You are what you love_  
_Not who loves you_  
_In a world full of the word 'Yes'_  
_I'm here to scream_  
  
_No! No!_

Clarice, Ana, and Marley looked amongst themselves and giggled a bit. “This should be our group’s anthem,” Marley commented. The others nodded vigorously in agreement. The song was “Save Rock And Roll” by Fall Out Boy featuring Elton John, and Shannon had never heard it before, not being very in tune with the newest music anymore. Clarice explained the song didn’t usually play on the radio despite being the title song for an album.

As the day drew to a close, Shannon realized just how excited she was to tell Emma all about what had happened when she next got a chance. Before, Emma had been the only asexual-spectrum person she’d ever met. Now, she had met six new people who she could relate to in a vital way.


	10. Emergency Contact for Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don’t forget to download catupatree’s amazing fanmix. I featured it at the start of chapter 1 but now that you’ve read through chapter 9 you can appreciate the final song choice and all of the art, including what she put on the back cover! 
> 
> Download link for the .zip folder of the fanmix: <https://www.dropbox.com/sh/tph1p4pzzlbpg12/AAAF9crsKFGlsFyMBaSpN30za?dl=0>
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> * * *

  
**_This chapter is Unique’s point of view._ **  
  
**_It is set around the same time as the last chapter. Late season 5 in an AU where Unique and those other new kids are still at McKinley and in Glee Club, immediately after Marley attended that ace meet-up. It is another M-rated chapter._ **

 

 

Chapter 10: Emergency Contact for Life

“Wade, how about you go practice your piano now,” Betty Adams told her daughter. The woman insisted upon using Unique’s birth name in sentences as often as possible. “Your father and I can take care of the dishes. Right, hun?”

“Sure,” Rob replied with a shrug.

So Unique pushed herself away from the table. That Friday evening, they’d had meatloaf for dinner, with green beans and cornbread as the sides. She was full and she figured she might as well follow her mother’s suggestion. It _had_ been a few days since she’d touched her fingers to the keys.

She always started off with a simple melody, just to warm up. She decided to do “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” this time, and after playing the melody, slowly added in some harmony, some chords using her left hand, and a little bit of a background pattern to make the piece more exciting. It was such a beautiful lullaby. One day, she hoped to have a child, probably though adoption. When she did, she hoped to be able to play lullabies like this on the piano for him or her. Even if her parents weren’t accepting of her trans identity, she still had fond memories of when her mom had played piano like this for her as a toddler.

Unique then transitioned into playing some Mozart and Beethoven sonatas. They were so complex and she wasn’t quite skilled enough at piano yet to pull them off without tripping over her fingers a few times. But they were amazing practice, and sounded so beautiful, yet also recognizable.

She played for about an hour, and then she changed into some pajamas. She yearned for the day when she could live alone and own whatever nightwear she wanted, even if it came from the ‘Women’s’ section of the store. For now, she was wearing the most feminine-looking set of a pants and shirt she had come across in the ‘Men’s’ area. They were a deep indigo, and were amazingly soft too, so at least she could be happy about the way they felt as she slipped into them.

Unique fell asleep that night with only one thought on her mind: tomorrow she would be going on another date with Ryder, and his parents weren’t going to be home. Her dreams flitted through images of varying possibilities of what could happen. She wanted to make out passionately with Ryder. She wanted to rip off his clothes and suck his cock and enjoy an orgasm herself while in his presence. She wanted to lie naked, beside him, in bed for hours on end. She wanted their life to be more than a rated-G movie with only hand-holding and dinner dates. She had tasted Ryder’s lips before, but the kisses had been so brief, and she yearned for so much more.

 

* * *

 

The next day was Saturday, and after Ryder and Unique had gone ice skating together, having a pretty good time despite tripping over their own feet and falling down a few times, they headed back to Ryder’s deserted house. Unique took off her bright pink winter jacket and revealed a sexy green dress underneath. She had carefully made sure her bra was stuffed the right way to fill it out nicely, and she felt truly beautiful. She had even worn high heels to the rink, knowing that most of the time she’d be in rented skates anyway, and her plus-sized pantyhose had been purchased in a thicker, winter design plenty warm enough for being on the ice.

Now, she entered his home for the very first time. She knew she could never invite Ryder over to her own – her parents would never allow her to date a boy and continue “pretending” to be a girl. But Ryder said he had told his parents about her, and they were happy for him to have his first girlfriend, and were accepting of trans people and hoped to meet her sometime. She hoped to meet them sometime, too. They sounded like amazing parents, and she was pretty jealous of how open-minded they seemed.

Ryder hung her coat up for her in the closet by the front door, and then removed and hung up his own red one, revealing a casual pair of jeans and a long-sleeved T-shirt underneath.

“Whoa,” Ryder said as he took in the sight of his girlfriend. “I feel underdressed,” he joked.

“No, I’m the one who overdressed,” she said. “I was just… excited about tonight,” she tried to explain.

Ryder tensed up a bit, and nervously asked, “What were you expecting?”

Unique smiled meekly. “We can do whatever you want,” she said with a shrug. “I mean, I would love to… _be_ with you, but we don’t have to.”

Ryder nodded. He seemed to have seen that answer coming, and didn’t seem to relax at all at hearing it.

“Okay, well, would you like a drink?” He was walking toward his kitchen, and Unique followed. “My mom keeps some red wine in the fridge. We could probably get away with drinking a glass each,” he said with a wink.

Unique was surprised to see how dangerously Ryder wanted to live.

“Would your parents still want to meet me if they found out I’d engaged in underage drinking in the house?” she asked.

“Probably not, but they never have to know,” he said.

“Let’s stick to just… water,” she replied, not wanting to risk it. She’d also hate to get her boyfriend in trouble, regardless of if it’d affect her.

“Okay,” he said, sounding a bit disappointed. He got out a couple of glasses and then opened the fridge. He pulled out a pitcher of filtered water and poured a roughly equal amount in both glasses. Unique grabbed her own and took a sip, finding it wonderfully refreshing.

“And the living room is over here,” he said, leading the way into a room that contained a television, a few armchairs, a coffee table, and couch where they both then sat down. “Would you like to watch something?” he asked.

“Not really,” Unique replied honestly, with a bit of a smile. She was mere inches from him, and facing in his direction. When he turned to look at her and their eyes locked, she began to lean in for a kiss. All of their kisses prior to this had been fairly chaste, and done while they were both standing up. She hoped this one, sitting on the couch with him, could be more intimate.

He reciprocated, leaning into the kiss as well and they did share some tongue and it was everything Unique could’ve hoped for. She felt a powerful feeling inside of her whole body, especially in her chest, and she was already getting a bit of a boner, but she tried to ignore that and focus on the amazing sensation going on in her mouth. Her nerves were on fire and she reached up and put her right hand in his hair. She put her left hand behind his back, and they kissed for what must have been five whole minutes, parting only for seconds here and there to catch their breaths.

“Wow,” Unique said as she exhaled heavily, once they finally had parted more permanently.

Ryder gave her a shy smile back. “Yeah, that wasn’t so bad,” he admitted, clearly having enjoyed it immensely too.

“Do you think you might like a blow job?” Unique asked, still feeling high off of the kiss and surprisingly courageous. She knew sex was going to be such a tricky subject for them, but with his parents out of town for just this one weekend, it felt kind of like it was ‘now or never’.

Ryder blinked a few times, considering it. He seemed a bit scared, like he wasn’t prepared to do so much so soon, but then said, “Sure, I’d be crazy to turn that down, right?”

Unique faltered, not wanting to do it unless he really wanted to. “Well, are you… hard?” she asked, hoping maybe the kiss had helped turn him on.

His smile grew, although his face then tinged pink with embarrassment. “Yeah, I am.”

“Me too,” Unique told him softly. He bit his lip and then closed his eyes hard, seeming to be wishing away the image. Why did she have to remind him she had a dick? _Dammit,_ she thought to herself.

She reached out toward the zipper of his jeans and slowly began to undo them, knowing he’d stop her if he really didn’t want this. He allowed it, so she pulled them down a bit and then went down on him, placing her head between his legs, and hoping she was doing it right. She knew he was a virgin and wasn’t the least bit worried about him not being clean.

“Keep going,” he encouraged her, and with that she felt relieved and more confident. She proceeded to try and get him off with her mouth. He moaned appreciatively, and she was so thrilled to be doing this.

After he’d ejaculated into her mouth, she decided to spit it out in the trash can she spotted to the left of the couch, hoping that wasn’t rude. She thought maybe she’d try swallowing some other time.

“Thanks for that,” Ryder breathed as he recovered from the experience. “That was… amazing.”

“It was really hot,” Unique replied. “Do you think maybe you could…” she trailed off, hoping he would understand where she’d been going with that.

He didn’t. “Could… do what?” he asked.

“Return the favor?” she asked in a small voice, trying to brace herself for the inevitable ‘no’.

It didn’t work. She wasn’t prepared for when he looked down toward her crotch and despite her dress, she could just feel that he wasn’t seeing her as a girl anymore. She felt tears well up in her eyes, and she attempted to blink them away. She wasn’t very successful.

“I don’t think I can do it,” he told her. “I’m so sorry. Maybe after you got it cut off-”

“I’m not going to get it ‘cut off’!” she yelled defensively, shuddering a little at the thought. “That is such an ignorant, mean thing to say. If I did get surgery it’d be inverted, you should look it up sometime, you never just cut off someone’s penis! But I don’t even know if I want the surgery.”

“What?” Ryder said with genuine surprise. “Why wouldn’t you want the surgery?”

“Why can’t I be a woman just the way I am?” she shot back.

“Maybe we should just break up,” Ryder said harshly.

“Yeah, I guess this is never going to work out. At least _you_ got a blow job out of all this,” she said bitterly. She stood up quickly and walked as fast as she could despite her heels toward his coat closet.

“Wait!” Ryder said.

“Why?” Unique replied. “I drove myself, remember? I can get myself home.”

She didn’t drive home, though. Without even realizing what she was doing, she ended up at Marley’s door, fresh tears streaming down her face.

Millie let her in with a sympathetic smile, assuring her Marley was home and up in her bedroom. Unique was grateful that Marley’s mom wasn’t trying to do more to comfort her. What Unique needed right now wasn’t a parent figure, it was her friend. Her best friend.

Unique knocked, and when Marley opened her bedroom door, she took in the sight of her friend and then pulled her into a warm hug.

After a minute or so, they pulled apart.

“What happened?” Marley asked.

“Ryder and I broke up,” she said as she looked down toward the floor. She walked over to Marley’s bed and sat down, then kicked off her shoes.

“I’m so sorry,” Marley said as she closed the door for privacy and then joined her friend atop the vibrant green comforter. Marley was already in her pajamas, and her guitar and some handwritten notes were sprawled out on the other corner of the bed.

“Were you writing a song?” Unique asked.

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt.”

“No, don’t worry about it, it’s not a problem at all,” Marley assured her. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Ryder did more than what ninety-nine percent of guys on the planet would ever do. He…” Unique stopped herself. She knew how sex-averse Marley was, how her asexuality might make her never want to even hear about these kinds of things. “Do you mind if I talk about… sex and stuff related to it?” she asked, needing Marley’s permission before she would continue.

“Go ahead,” Marley said.

“Thanks,” Unique replied. “Well, I… gave him head tonight.”

Marley’s eyes went wide. “Oh, wow.”

Unique pressed on. “But then he wouldn’t do the same for me! And if _Ryder_ can’t bring himself to accept that I have a dick, how can I ever expect anyone else in the entire world to ever be okay with it either?” she asked, her voice breaking a bit as she voiced one of her deepest fears.

“Don’t think like that! Unique, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met,” Marley said, and she sounded like she truly believed that.

Unique wondered what she had ever done to earn such admiration.

“You’re still in high school! You have your whole life ahead of you, so many years to meet someone special who wants _you_ , for everything you are.”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I am!” Marley replied, oddly sure of herself. “You’re not going to end up alone.” She said it like she could actually see the future.

“I don’t even know how to start, though. I only got on Ryder’s radar because I put up that stupid picture of Marissa Reynolds-”

Marley cut her off. “So how about you make a more honest online dating profile? I’ll help you. You can explain exactly what you need. You can specify that you’re trans and all of it.”

“No one wants to date a black, trans, high school girl.”

“You’d be surprised,” Marley said. “Worst case scenario you have to delete your profile and start over. What do you have to lose?”

“I guess you’re right,” Unique replied. “Thanks for wanting to help,” she said softly, truly appreciative.

“Well, you’re my best friend,” Marley replied softly. “Actually, I had been meaning to ask you something.”

“Sure, anything,” Unique replied.

Marley seemed to be struggling to get her words out. Unique waited patiently. Finally Marley smiled. “I have been having some trouble figuring out my romantic orientation, and part of my confusion has been caused by, well, my feelings for… you.”

Unique took a second to try to understand what Marley was saying. “Wait, are you… _in love_ with me?” she asked.

Marley laughed. “I don’t know! But… I was thinking that it might not matter whether I am or not. What matters is that I really want to… be your queerplatonic partner. I mean, I want you to be mine. I want us to be each other’s!”

“What?” Unique was confused.

“It’s a queering of a typical platonic relationship – so similar to a typical friendship like ours, but acknowledging that my feelings for you are more intense, and maybe with some commitment involved.”

“You want me to be dating you? Marley, I’m straight,” Unique reminded her. She hated potentially hurting her friend like this.

“No, no, it’s not romantic. It’s queerplatonic. You could still date someone, and I could still be that person to help you with your online profile if you want! But you’d… promise to be my emergency contact for life, or something. You would never move away to a different state without at least first talking to me. Even if you get married and have kids, I’ll always be your best friend, we can’t just drift apart, because we’re…. we’re more than ‘just friends’. We’ll have discussed these things and somehow we’d be queering what a typical friendship is. That’s all.”

Marley clearly had thought this through.

“Wow,” Unique said. “I’m going to have to think about this, alright?”

“Yeah, of course, take your time,” she said. “I just… I love you,” Marley explained, desperately vulnerable. “It doesn’t matter to me if it’s a friendship kind of love or not, I know you will never want to just date me and no one else, and I wouldn’t want you to. I want you to be happy. I just… would love to be able to call you my queerplatonic partner, so I figured I’d let you know I’ve been thinking about all this.”

Unique smiled. “I think I get it. How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Probably since Jake and I broke up. Well, really since I learned the term, which was more recently.”

“Wow,” Unique replied. “Well, you know what?” she said.

“What?” Marley replied.

“I love you too.”


	11. It Was the Summer of ‘16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Kurt’s POV.
> 
> This is the second longest chapter in the fic, 4,172 words total, beaten only by my first Kurt POV chapter (ch 2) – lol.
> 
> A lot of time has passed since the previous chapters. It should become clear as you read. ;) Actually it’s set in 2016, if I did my math right. Although I wrote this in the early summer of 2015, so you’ll have to bear with me as I’m writing these final four chapters set in a time that is literally ‘the future’ for me as an author. I made everything diverge from Glee’s canon around the start of 2014 on the show, and in some places it diverged much earlier than that. Nothing is really based in anything canon from here on out.
> 
> Enjoy!

When Kurt had first heard that Blaine was planning to sleep with Sebastian Smythe on a regular basis, he was surprised – both by the news, and also by his own reaction to it. He’d been expecting Blaine to connect with a _stranger_ , someone who in Kurt’s mind would be faceless and maybe even nameless. He’d been expecting his boyfriend to find a person Kurt wouldn’t be able to visualize being with Blaine.

Events didn’t unfold that way.

As it turned out, Kurt realized that having met Sebastian before didn’t bother him. Rather than picturing intimate situations between the Dalton alum and the man he loved, Kurt found it easy to just not let his imagination go there. Kurt felt sincerely _happy_ that Blaine had stumbled across Sebastian, who – as Kurt already knew from his brief high school interactions with him – was so overtly into sex. Kurt had wanted this to happen; he’d wanted Blaine to find someone on the other end of the sexual spectrum to provide Blaine with what Kurt couldn’t.

Now two-and-a-half years had passed since Blaine and Sebastian had started casually hooking up. Sebastian also had several other partners, but Blaine didn’t mind at all, since Blaine himself had his own other partner in Kurt. When Kurt and Blaine were still long distance, they’d taken advantage of the few times per year that they _did_ see each other – using those nights (or sometimes, afternoons) to re-explore each other’s bodies. Kurt was a sex-favorable type of gray-ace, as long as the sex was infrequent enough. He appreciated Blaine’s gorgeously toned upper body, and felt it was a true privilege to be able to experience the amazing rush of being with Blaine as he orgasmed. He found very few men sexy, mostly celebrities. In fact, sometimes Kurt felt like he didn’t find anyone in real life sexy – Blaine being the only exception.

Blaine had assured Kurt from the start that Sebastian always practiced safe sex, not only with Blaine but reportedly with _everyone_ the younger man ever chose to fuck. And that really was all Kurt needed to know to feel comfortable with the whole arrangement. In fact, there was something wonderfully _empowering_ about feeling secure despite his boyfriend also sleeping with another person. Kurt actually felt proud to be poly, and he was positive Blaine now did too. It had been a process, getting to this point, but they had made it there.

In May, Kurt had graduated from NYADA with a Creative Writing degree. He’d left his internship at Vogue.com, pleased that even fresh out of school he already had an already impressive resume, and then moved in with Blaine in an apartment very close to the Ohio State campus. Kurt was now acclimating to living in Columbus. It was a big change from the pace of Manhattan and Brooklyn, yet Columbus was certainly still a city – it was definitely not the same Ohio as when he’d lived in Lima, either. Kurt had been in Columbus ever since the start of the summer, and in that time he’d gotten a job at Adidas. He spent a lot of his free time working on new script ideas for plays, musicals, and even television series. In addition, Kurt finally had a chance to get reacquainted with Sebastian over dinner one evening – with Blaine present, of course. Since that night, Kurt had only seen a few brief glimpses of Sebastian. Most of what he now knew about the man had been relayed to him by Blaine. But Kurt enjoyed the stories. Kurt often got vicariously _excited_ when Blaine would bring him up in conversation.

Various other people in Kurt and Blaine’s lives did not understand how Kurt could possibly be okay with what Blaine was doing, no matter how many times Kurt tried to explain that this was what they both wanted. Pam Anderson had seemed disappointed in her son for ‘cheating’. Burt and Carole, who Kurt _knew_ loved Blaine like one of their own sons, had thoughtfully advised Kurt that sometimes relationships don’t work out and they’d respect his decision if he broke up with Blaine. One of Kurt’s coworkers had asked if this was something specific to being gay. Kurt tried to brush off _all_ of the ignorance.

Blaine, now that he was living with Kurt, told him on a daily basis how _in love_ he was with him, and Kurt never doubted it for a moment. Not even when Blaine admitted that his feelings for Sebastian were growing, in a way that maybe felt like falling in love. Blaine enjoyed watching televised basketball games with Sebastian – Kurt didn’t follow sports but Blaine and Sebastian had been rooting for the same team since childhood. Blaine would sometimes spend hours playing video games with Sebastian. Now that it was summer, they even sometimes saved Sebastian’s sister some of the money she would’ve spent on daycare by taking the child during the middle of a work day, and Blaine would come home gushing about the adorable things Matilda did. They were planning on taking her to the public pool for her very first swimming lesson sometime in August, now that Linda – the girl’s mother – had approved of it.

Kurt understood how some other people who tried out polyamory would feel worried they were being left behind. Blaine was, after all, starting to spend so much time – and _have_ such a good time – with his new partner. If Kurt and Blaine were monogamous, and Blaine and Sebastian hadn’t had sex yet but enjoyed all of these _other_ things together, Kurt probably would legitimately feel worried that it might be leading to Blaine breaking up with him in favor of the new guy, or even that Blaine might be tempted to cheat. But they weren’t monogamous. Kurt felt completely confident that Blaine had a big enough heart to have feelings for two people at once, and that it didn’t mean Blaine loved Kurt any less. Blaine was guaranteed to come home to Kurt, every day, and this was Blaine’s choice – he’d wanted to share his home, as well as his bed each night, with Kurt. Ever since they’d stopped being long distance, Blaine was so sexually satisfied by Sebastian that Kurt had to be the one to ask, if Kurt ever wanted to have an intimate night alone with his partner. But Blaine was always more than happy to oblige. He seemed to still see being with Kurt as something very special, and very different than what he had with Sebastian, and Kurt was beyond grateful for that.

They’d called off their engagement last year, because they both realized polyamory clashed in a lot of ways with traditional marriage, but Kurt and Blaine were still _thrilled_ when same-sex marriage became legalized throughout the entire United States. Queer people deserved it, even if they both felt polyamorous people deserved some consideration too. Maybe one day, Kurt would want to take advantage of his ability to marry one person, and now he’d actually be allowed to. Maybe he and Blaine would eventually decide it was the right step for them. They could perhaps have an open marriage! But for now, they were happy just to be together. They didn’t need vows or a ceremony, or even the legal benefits – at least not yet.

Kurt was, however, a little jealous of the fact that Blaine had a second partner, while Kurt still didn’t. Kurt had been doing this polyamorous thing with Blaine for years now, but had never taken advantage of the fact that he too could date someone new, if he wanted. He’d thought, when they started out, that Blaine would be all he’d ever need. But now, Kurt was back in Ohio, and he was getting a front row seat to Blaine’s and Sebastian’s final summer break off of school, and he knew they were having a blast.

Kurt may have started working full time, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have _some_ time left to devote toward finding a second partner. Part of the problem, though, was that Kurt hadn’t known where to start. The pool of people Kurt would be interested in dating was particularly limited.

“Have you tried Acebook?” Blaine asked.

Kurt nodded. “That is such a lame dating site, though,” he replied. “I don’t think anyone’s updated it in years. No one uses it, it has no cool features to help you find people who are good matches, and it’s just…” Kurt trailed off. “I didn’t try very hard. It’s mainly women looking for heteroromantic guys anyway.”

“Well, I think OkCupid added an asexual option on their site,” Blaine said.

“Really?” Kurt replied. “That’s amazing. I might have to create a profile.”

“Yeah,” Blaine said. “I think it was a few years ago, actually. It was the first mainstream dating site to acknowledge aces!”

“Facebook, on the other hand, _still_ doesn’t allow people to say they’re asexual,” Kurt commented.

“Yeah, well, hopefully soon.”

“Hopefully,” Kurt agreed.

“Does it have to be an ace?” Blaine asked. “The person you date, I mean.”

“Well, or a celibate person,” Kurt said. “Obviously I couldn’t resist falling for a sexual guy,” he said, gesturing toward Blaine, “but I’d rather not have to deal with a new person who wants to sleep with me.”

Blaine smiled sympathetically. “You’re not at all curious? I know you’ve only ever been with me, and you seem to enjoy it…”

“Of course I’m a _little_ curious,” Kurt said. “But-”

Blaine cut him off. “Well if you really are curious, Sebastian’s always up for that threesome if you ever change your mind!” he added half-jokingly.

“As I said before, thanks, but no thanks,” Kurt said, flattered to be reminded that Sebastian had been interested, but still not wanting to accept the offer to be a part of anything like that.

“You could also see if there are any ace meet-up groups here in Columbus, or anywhere nearby,” Blaine said.

“You’re right,” Kurt replied. “I should at least try _something_. I love you, you know I do, but it’d be really _exciting_ to meet someone new, I think. Especially if I could find a gay ace guy, like me.”

Blaine smiled. “Good luck,” he said.

 

* * *

 

Later that evening, Kurt spent time online pursuing options for meeting asexual men – or anyone nonbinary who was at least somewhat masculine would work too, Kurt realized. He’d never met, in real life, anyone who didn’t conform to the gender binary. But a couple of years prior, Kurt had finally figured out that he wanted to identify as a genderqueer male who still preferred he/him pronouns.

One particular Google search led to a very unexpected discovery: a group called “Aces of Lima” right in his hometown. The main organizer was Coach Beiste, who he’d never known as well as all of the kids on the football team had, but apparently she was aro ace? He’d never have guessed it. Not only that but he also recognized Miss Pillsbury’s picture – she went by Mrs. Schuester now – and as he clicked through to her profile, he learned she was a co-organizer of the group sometimes, and was demisexual.

He quickly scanned through the 25 total group members and found only one other name he recognized from his high school days.

“Blaine!” he called out. “You have to take a look at this.”

Blaine came over and looked over Kurt’s shoulder onto the screen. “What am I looking at? Ace meet-up, in Lima-”

“Look at the members,” Kurt directed.

Blaine’s eyes finally fell on the correct spot. “No way. Marley?”

“Yeah! You were in Glee Club with her for a whole year. You never knew?”

“I wonder if _she_ knew, back then,” Blaine commented.

“I think I might have to show up at the next meeting,” Kurt said. “It’s only an hour-and-a-half away from here, and – oh, look! They’re meeting at Mr. Schue’s new house this weekend!”

“You should visit your parents while you’re in town,” Blaine replied.

“Of course,” Kurt replied. “I’ll call them now and ask if I can spend the night ahead of time.”

 

* * *

 

“Kiddo, I always thought you were just a late bloomer,” Burt said. “But this all makes a lot more sense now. Asexual-ish, huh?”

Kurt smiled. He had just, finally, come out as gray-ace and explained what it meant. He thought now was finally time, since he didn’t want to have to lie about his current plans. “Exactly, Dad. You can tell Carole, if you want.”

“I will,” he said.

Kurt had also given Blaine permission to tell whoever he wanted, including Sebastian. Blaine had been so careful not to out Kurt, but Kurt had decided anyone that Blaine was close to deserved to be privy to the whole story of why they’d decided to try out polyamory. He didn’t want to put Blaine in situations where he’d have to lie.

Kurt waved goodbye to his dad and headed out the door. It was time. The casual get-together of asexual and aromantic-spectrum folks would commence in half an hour.

Kurt had not yet gotten a chance to meet Mr. Schue’s second child, Joshua. He’d called his former teacher the night before and arranged to say a quick hello, see the baby and his older brother (whose middle name honored Kurt’s _own_ brother), and then stay in the house for the meet-up while Will would take his children out of the house and leave the space to the group of aces.

 _I’m coming out to a lot of people this week, aren’t I_? Kurt thought. _First my dad, now Mr. Schue, and before long, everyone who’ll show up at this meeting!_

Miss Pillsbury – Kurt was having a hard time thinking of her by any other name – explained, as soon as her husband and children were outside, that usually Shannon Beiste ran these meetings, but she had some kind of prior engagement. So in her absence, Emma was filling in as host. Kurt nodded, understanding.

When Marley showed up, Kurt shook her hand. “I think I met you a couple of times; you probably remember my boyfriend, Blaine, better than me, though,” he said. “I’m Kurt Hummel.”

“I remember!” she replied. “You brought your dad to our class one time, didn’t you? And I saw you when Blaine and the other seniors that year were graduating.” Her tone got softer and she added, “I was at Finn’s funeral, of course, too.”

“Oh, right,” Kurt replied somberly. After only a moment, however, he lit up thanks to a new memory. “And I saw when you were Sandy in Grease. You were wonderful.”

She blushed. “Oh, wow. Thanks.”

“So…” Kurt began to change the subject awkwardly. “I take it you’re on the ace spectrum?”

She nodded. “100% asexual. Couldn’t really be more ace, as I have no libido and am sex-averse, never even had to try it to know I didn’t want to do it.”

Kurt took that in. She was so different than him. “I’m gray-ace,” he replied simply. “I’m still with Blaine, actually.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful!” she said.

Kurt noticed a couple more people arrive, including a person around his own age who appeared to be male. That was why he was here – to meet ace guys.

But Marley was still talking. “I’m starting college in the fall,” she told him. “I’m going to be roommates with Unique, you might remember her too?”

Kurt remembered her clearly. He’d met her when she was a Vocal Adrenaline member. She’d been one of the very few trans people he’d ever met in his life. She had the kind of ‘fabulous’ that outshone even someone like him. “Yeah, I know who you’re talking about,” he said with a smile.

“We’re actually queerplatonic partners,” she said proudly. “She’s heterosexual and still looking for a romantic partner, but well, I don’t know if you know what a queerplatonic partner is, but-”

Kurt nodded vigorously. “I do know. That’s really cool of her to be in that kind of a relationship with you.”

“College is going to be great,” she said. “I think I’d love to be an English teacher, probably in middle school,” she said, “so I’m majoring in Education.”

Kurt smiled sadly at the reminder of what Finn had been doing. “We could always use more great teachers in the world.”

Marley, however, didn’t seem to notice the sadness _or_ the compliment to her choice of major, because her attention was finally on the other people who had entered the house. “Ooo, let me introduce you!” she eagerly said, and he followed her quickly toward them. “James, this is Kurt. Kurt? James.”

Kurt and James shared a handshake.

“It’s my first ace meet-up,” Kurt said.

“It’s actually mine too,” James replied. “I’m an aromantic, agender, ace. I fit all three As!” James said with a chuckle.

“Oh wow,” Kurt replied, trying not to be disappointed that he was – _they_? were – aromantic. That wasn’t fair to him – or was it _them_? “I’m genderqueer myself, actually.”

“Really? I’ve never met another nonbinary person before,” James said, awestruck.

“I still like he/him pronouns myself,” Kurt said.

“I am okay with they/them pronouns, because they’re the simplest genderless choice, but actually… my preferred ones would be ze/zir/zem,” James explained. “I only ask that of my closest friends and family though, because I know those can be tricky to learn.”

Kurt smiled. “I will keep that in mind,” he told zem earnestly. He was glad to be given permission to stick to they/them, for now.

James then asked, “So, are you a student at the University of Lima?”

Kurt hated how much coming back to his hometown tended to remind him of Finn, and tried not to let the grief get to him. It had been over three years, as was especially clear by how big little Danny had gotten. But sometimes it still felt like yesterday.

“No, I actually went to school in New York,” Kurt answered. “I’m working in a footwear design department at the moment, actually.”

“Oh wow,” James replied. “So like… you create running shoes and stuff?”

“Yeah,” Kurt confirmed. “I wish I could be doing non-athletic footwear, but Adidas was where I got hired, and considering that I majored in Creative Writing, I’m honestly pretty lucky to have this job.”

Ze nodded. “Well it certainly doesn’t sound boring.”

“It’s actually pretty fun, most of the time,” Kurt admitted. It was true that men’s dress shoes would probably be his dream in terms of shoe design, and it’s not like his career goal was ever to design footwear at all, but if he couldn’t make money writing, then for now, this would do.

 

* * *

 

As the meeting progressed, they all talked quite a bit about their lives. Apparently Kurt had been the only person showing up today hoping to meet someone in a romantic way – most of the people were aromantic, and the few who weren’t, like Marley and Emma, were already happy with a partner. Kurt was the only polyamorous person there, although Marley’s willingness to let Unique date while they were still official ‘qpp’s made him think maybe Marley and Unique were trying out some form of polyamory too, even if they weren’t calling it that. Unique, apparently, had a long term goal to be a music teacher, and at least at the moment she and Marley had a shared dream where they miraculously wound up teaching at the same school. Kurt knew from personal experience how much dreams can change once people actually started college, but it _was_ a lovely thought, a way to truly share their lives, even if Unique wound up living with a male romantic partner down the road.

He also learned that Marley and Unique had now co-written numerous songs together, Unique having a natural talent for composition, and Marley for the lyrics. He decided to approach Marley as soon as the meet-up concluded and ask if she and Unique might be interested in helping him out with his musical. For now, his musicals were just a hobby. But he didn’t know how to compose a song. With Marley’s – and especially Unique’s – help, he might be able to turn something like _Zack’s Lack_ into a real show.

Gail was another member at the meet-up. She had been attending for about six months at this point and was hilarious enough with her storytelling that Kurt thought she should consider going into stand-up comedy. She recounted five separate occasions when she had been perceived by everyone in the room to be flirting insanely hard with a guy, and completely leading him on, but she was oblivious to it and when he’d lean in for a kiss, she’d jump a mile high and confuse not only the guy in question, but also any onlookers.

James talked about how grateful ze was that no one misgendered zem here, nor at the one other place ze’d been where a group of aces had congregated. These were the only places in the world where ze felt like everyone -- or at least most people -- truly accepted zem as ze was. Kurt asked if there was a queer group on the University of Lima’s campus. James didn’t think there was.

“If there’s not, then Unique and I can help you start one up,” Marley said with conviction. “We’re starting there soon and really, all colleges should have them in this day and age.”

James agreed. “Thanks, that’d be amazing,” ze said. The corners of zir lips curled up into a thankful into a smile.

Emma served the group some delicious homemade brownies and didn’t talk much. He knew from her profile that she was demisexual, but she mainly seemed interested in making sure everyone else felt comfortable. She was a very gracious host. He wondered what being demisexual was like for her, and if maybe he could relate to a lot of her experiences, given how he felt for Blaine but pretty much no one else. As the meeting drew to an end, he resolved to attend another “Aces of Lima” meet-up sometime and make a point to ask her then.

Kurt made sure to exchange phone numbers with James, then gave zem back zir phone. He found Gail too. They had been the two people to leave the strongest impression on him this afternoon, and he was hoping maybe they could become real friends. They both only lived about an hour or so away from him.

He was about to approach Marley and tell her about his musical that starred a gay ace character – a musical which so far had some pretty abysmal excuses for songs – when his phone, still in his hand, began to ring.

He scowled when he noticed that the number was not in his phone, then proceeded to answer it. “Hello?”

“Kurt? Is… is Blaine there? I can’t reach him.” The voice sounded panicked and distraught.

“Um, may I ask who’s calling?”

“Sorry, Sebastian,” he clarified.

“Oh,” Kurt said, a bit surprised Sebastian had been given his phone number. “Um… Blaine said you were going to be busy today, so he decided to go to the movie theater. That’s probably why you can’t reach him. Underground theater, plus he always turns off his phone just in case.”

Sebastian didn’t reply.

Kurt wished he knew what was going on. “Did something happen? Are you okay?” he asked with genuine concern. He’d never heard Sebastian sound like this before. Granted, he didn’t know Sebastian very well. But still.

“It’s my sister. She just got diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer,” Sebastian managed to say, but his voice cracked with the pain of sharing the awful news.

“I’m so sorry,” Kurt responded.

Sebastian continued. “I don’t understand how this could be happening. She seemed fine but the doctors say it’s already spread to other parts of her body and she’s going to need really aggressive treatment. I can’t… I don’t have anyone to talk to about this except for Blaine.”

“Blaine is always good in a crisis,” Kurt replied somberly, thinking about his own family member who had been diagnosed with cancer, but how unlike in Sebastian’s sister’s case, Kurt’s dad’s doctors had caught it early. Blaine had been such a rock.

“So you said he’s in the movie theater? Do you know when he’ll be out?” Sebastian sounded so desperate.

“Um… I think the movie was two hours long, plus ten minutes or so of previews, and it started at two o’clock, so…” Kurt looked down at his watch. “He’ll be turning his phone back on by 4:30,” he promised Sebastian. “That’s only 20 minutes from now.”

“Okay, thanks,” Sebastian said, and then he hung up, seemingly having forgotten to say ‘goodbye’.

Kurt looked down at his phone, wishing he could do more to help. Then he realized there was one thing he could do. He pulled down his last conversation with Blaine and began to compose a new text.

_You should stay with Sebastian tonight._

_For as long as he needs._


	12. When They Leave the Nest, They Really Soar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Emma’s point of view.
> 
> It has been over a year since the last chapter.
> 
> This chapter is the shortest of the entire fic, only 1,625 words long. All other chapters are over 2,000 words.

Will’s teeth grazed Emma’s collarbone, teasing a bite without ever breaking the skin. Emma inhaled and let herself get lost in the wonderfully intense feeling. Her eyes were shut tight and her hands were gripping Will’s bare upper body just as forcefully, but then she loosened her grip and began to slide them down, slowly, with purpose. Her husband pulled back for a moment, took in the sight of her ever-growing breasts, and then reached around her body and flipped her over, switching who was on top. This caused the bedsprings to creak loudly.

“Careful!” she whispered loudly, although despite her worry she was still smiling hugely. “Danny’s in the next room, remember?”

They definitely didn’t want to wake either of their young sons. Danny was four-years-old now and had woken up a couple of weeks prior when they’d turned the television’s volume up too loud, so ever since then Emma had been a bit paranoid that he wouldn’t be able to sleep through their sex life either.

Emma was in the mood for intimacy much more frequently than usual, but this wasn’t a surprise. Will and Emma had been surprised by it during her first pregnancy, but this time around they just knew to take advantage of it while they could. Her increased libido during the second trimester wasn’t the _reason_ they’d decided to have a third child, but it certainly was an added perk.

Will moved away from her face, clearly intending to help guide her toward experiencing even more pleasure. He was moving his eyes and fingers lower and lower. But before he got to his destination, Emma noticed another feeling and, without thinking, made a tiny, high-pitched noise.

“Em?” he asked, mildly concerned.

“Oh, it’s just… I think I can feel the twins moving,” she told him softly, biting her lip, wishing it wouldn’t ruin the moment.

Will and Emma had decided to have a third child. But what they were getting was a third _and fourth_.

“Really? So soon?” Will asked.

Emma was only in her thirteenth week of this pregnancy, but like many thin women who had been pregnant before, she noticed the quickening remarkably early.

“Well, I’m pretty sure I feel some fluttering, yes.”

He paused from what he was doing. She could tell he was quickly slipping out of the mood.

“It’s okay,” she said. She didn’t want him to feel obligated to get back into that mindset. “We can finish what we started tomorrow.”

He smiled. “Thanks for understanding.” He lay down beside her, staring up toward the ceiling. His breathing began to slow down.

“So did I tell you what I learned about Kurt’s musical?” Emma asked, also allowing her body to relax. She realized she hadn’t really gotten a chance to tell Will about all of the details of the last meet-up Shannon had hosted.

“Did you learn some more details?” Will asked, his curiosity piqued.

“Yeah.” She smiled at his eagerness.

The Schuesters had known for months that the show was going to premiere at Connor Palace, which was a wonderful old theater that was less than three hours away. In fact, its opening night was coming up, less than a week away, and Ella had already agreed to watch her nephews. But Will and Emma hadn’t known much about what the musical would be – just that Kurt had written it, and that Kurt had somehow gotten some of Will’s other students involved in the behind-the-scenes creative vision, as well.

“The focus of the musical will be the main character’s asexuality,” she informed Will. “However, he didn’t want to spoil the plot for us too much. Oh but he also mentioned that Unique composed the music! Marley did the lyrics.”

“Is it an entirely McKinley run project? Artie directing, Mike doing choreography?” Will asked, only half joking.

“No,” Emma replied with a laugh. “There are a lot of people putting their hearts and souls into this project and the only ones we know are Kurt, Unique, and Marley.”

“Amazingly, when Kurt put out the casting call for a guy to play an ace-spectrum character, an actor in the business who was ace-spectrum saw and auditioned. And turned out to be perfect for the role. Kurt’s falling in love with him, I think.”

“Falling in love with the lead in the play he wrote?” Will asked, amused. “Wow.”

“Kurt’s also dating Blaine still, though.” She caught sight of Will’s look of horror. “Polyamorous. It’s all consensual and happy. Blaine has another partner too, actually. I’m not sure who. But apparently they’re raising the other guy’s kid together?”

“Wow, I would’ve never imagined that,” Will replied. “Kurt’s parents never mentioned anything. Then again, the last time we met up I think I monopolized the entire conversation talking about how exciting it is that Danny has learned the alphabet, and that Josh is already walking!”

He always unabashedly bragged about their kids. It was one of the things Emma loved about him.

“When Carole and Burt came over the other week, while I was busy chatting with Carole, Burt helped Joshua build an impressively tall block tower.”

“How did he react when it fell down?” Will asked, a little concerned.

“It didn’t,” she said. “I put the blocks away after he went down for his nap, but it was a sturdy thing.”

“Impressive,” he said with pride.

Emma smiled.

Emma had been spending time with the Hummels fairly often. In fact, she’d started seeing them regularly back when she and Will had first switched churches – she had been looking for recommendations of liberal churches, had remembered when Finn had come into her office not having a very strict set of religious beliefs from his household, and wondered if Carole was perhaps the member of any Christian church. As it turned out, Carole had become more involved in her church shortly after Finn’s passing, thanks to the wonderful bereavement group they ran, and it had ended up being exactly the change Emma had needed. She enjoyed Sunday morning services so much more, now that she agreed with what the teachings. Plus, going to the same church as Burt and Carole had helped her to become much better friends with the couple.

Emma and Will fell asleep soon after the conversation, happy thoughts on their minds. Their almost-sex had been fun even if they hadn’t gotten to follow through with all of it. Their new babies were already kicking. There was so much good in their lives, and soon they’d be enjoying seeing a musical created in part by three young adults who Will and Emma had witnessed growing up.

 

* * *

 

The road trip to Connor Palace would take roughly three hours. Will sat behind the wheel as Emma looked at the view out the window.

“Did you hear that Rachel started dating Jesse St. James again?” Will asked.

“No. Where’d _you_ hear it?” Emma said.

“Facebook update,” he explained. “He’s currently the male-lead in that show that just got nominated for a Tony for Best Show.”

“That’s wonderful. Did you always know he would end up there?” Emma knew he always had such visions for Rachel Berry’s future, but she didn’t remember him discussing the boy much.

“Oh yeah. He _had_ such a presence on the stage.”

“We should go to New York and see him on Broadway sometime if we can. We could bring Danny, he’s getting old enough to maybe appreciate it.”

“Yeah, that’d be a wonderful summer vacation, perhaps,” he replied. “I never imagined I’d be driving to see a musical Kurt had written, though,” he admitted. “I didn’t even know Kurt was much of a writer.”

There were a lot of things about Kurt that Emma hadn’t known when he’d been a student in their high school too, like the fact that he was asexual. He’d talked in depth with her, since graduating college, about how he enjoys sex with Blaine and how much he related to her experience toward sex with a partner, even if he didn’t feel like the demisexual label fit him so he was sticking to gray-A. But in high school he’d been discovering this stuff about himself and she’d had no idea, despite being his guidance counselor.

“Will Rachel be coming tonight?” Emma asked, genuinely curious.

“She’s his best friend! She must be.” He furrowed his brow, thinking hard. “I believe her most recent status said something about traveling back to Ohio this weekend,” he said, but he didn’t sound very sure.

“I’m sure you’re right,” she said.

“We should make sure to snap a photo with the Lima gang while we’re there,” Will said.

“Oh, absolutely.” Emma was instantly thinking about her collection of various, carefully organized photo albums. Then she had another thought. “Maybe we should frame this one and put it up near the fireplace,” she said. They’d been wondering what they would use to fill that blank space ever since moving into the house a year-and-a-half prior.

Will didn’t move his eyes away from the road, but his face transformed into one of pure happiness as he visualized it. “Yes, that would be so perfect.”

“The Palace probably has beautiful architecture too, exactly the right backdrop for it.” Emma commented.

“Oh yeah, it does,” Will assured her. He had been to this theater a few times before.

They drove the rest of the way casually chatting about the kids Will knew well from when they’d been in his glee club, letting their excitement for the upcoming performance grow. They had such faith that the show would be a success and expand to the rest of the country. They knew how talented these kids were.


	13. A Life That’s Anything But Boring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is Sebastian’s point of view.
> 
> It goes back in time a couple of months, explaining what happened after chapter 11 but before chapter 12.

Sebastian hadn't been prepared for Linda's diagnosis. Of course, that was understandable. Never in a million years would he have been prepared to be cast in a role as simply a spectator to the impossible decision Linda had been forced to make. There had been three options, all of which likely to end in her death. She’d been told that she would die if she declined treatment. She’d have only a small chance of surviving, and also suffer _more_ if she got chemotherapy and radiation, and there was also an experimental option but no one knew what the chances of it helping her were. Linda, like any parent, wanted the best chance for survival for her daughter’s sake – concerns about her own ‘quality of life’ being quickly brushed aside in complete favor of ‘quantity’. The problem was that no one could definitively tell her which option _was_ her best chance. There were too many unknown variables. With some guidance from her doctor, she ended up choosing the chemotherapy route.

When Matilda was born, Sebastian had never thought to imagine the horror that less than three years later he'd be crying on the shoulder of one of his fuck-buddies, tasked with the responsibility of explaining why her mommy had collapsed unconscious in front of her on just the third week of chemo – Linda hadn't yet sat her toddler down in order to attempt an explanation of the cruel cosmic joke that was cancer. Sebastian had known the aggressive treatment was risky, but he hadn’t been prepared to watch her die of pneumonia only a little over three months – fourteen weeks – after her diagnosis. The treatment had so completely weakened her immune system that she hadn’t been able to fight off a simple cold, and then it had evolved into the much more serious illness, which she’d died from within hours. It all happened so fast. One minute she was still fighting for her life, hoping that despite the odds, she’d make it. The next, doctors were asking Sebastian to fill out forms about where the morgue should send her body. It was all so surreal, and he was beyond heartbroken.

Blaine was not just his fuck-buddy anymore. That truth had snuck up on him, but his relationship with Blaine had stopped being casual ages ago. Blaine had already been a genuine friend before Linda’s diagnosis, and ever since that day, Blaine had been his rock. His parents were the opposite: heartless and unhelpful. His folks didn’t even seem all that sad over their only daughter’s death, and while sure they shed a few tears, Sebastian was convinced they were grieving the daughter they wished they’d had more than who she’d actually been – a tattooed, piercing-wearing punk with an amazing personality and a beautiful daughter. His parents had essentially disowned him too after he’d not only been helping his ‘sinner’ of a sister and her illegitimate child, but also after they’d realized he was a very openly out gay man. They couldn’t deal with that kind of shame.

So Blaine helped with all of the things his parents _should’ve_ been helping with. Kurt’s parents were practically Blaine’s in-laws, and Sebastian learned – only after the time came for the funeral arrangements – that they had already buried a child. They kindly offered Blaine advice which he then passed along to Sebastian. Blaine took a few days off school in order to help with everything, and Sebastian had truly needed it. He’d been feeling oddly numb each day of the funeral planning and especially on that morning. He felt hollow. He felt like life had stopped, and nothing at all mattered. He would’ve probably been swallowed by the loneliness if Blaine hadn’t been there. He may have never been able to focus enough on what he needed to do. But Blaine gave him space to write up an obituary and eulogy to honor Linda. Blaine and his boyfriend’s parents did most of the actual funeral planning. Blaine even drove Sebastian and Matilda to the service.

The service was surprisingly intimate – but somewhere in the back of Sebastian’s mind it registered to him just how beautiful it was, in a way. He’d never thought of funerals as anything other than morose. But there was something lovely about the words said, about the way the officiant focused on how she’d live on in Matilda, about how all of the people who did love Linda were there. He still felt detached from everything, like that song about how the “World Spins Madly On”, where he was standing there, watching life pass by. But even if he didn’t feel it emotionally, intellectually he appreciated the funeral. And he appreciated just how much Blaine was to thank for it being as nice as it was.

Sebastian was struck by the sudden realization of _just how much_ Blaine meant to him when he was watching his sister’s casket be lowered into the ground. When the casket began to descend into what felt like an abyss – into the surprisingly large hole in the ground – her death finally hit him. The odd numbness evaporated, completely. All at once he really understood that he’d never see her face again – would never see _her_ again. That she was truly _gone_. Sebastian began crying in public, which he knew was acceptable at a funeral, even if he’d never been the sensitive gay man. He prided himself on not being a weepy flamboyant gay. But at the funeral that day he was truly sobbing. His sorry excuse for parents, on the other hand, had barely shed any tears at all. Sebastian didn’t spend more than a second thinking of what their opinion on his public display of emotion might be. He didn’t give a shit about what _anyone_ else might think.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He did care, tremendously, about what his niece might think. He didn’t want her to be frightened or made more upset by his reaction. Which is why, at that moment, Sebastian finally grasped just how immensely _thankful_ he was that Blaine was right there. Blaine was holding Matilda in his arms, shielding her from her uncle’s tears, doing what her grandparents didn’t even have the decency to offer to do. Blaine was allowing Sebastian the space he needed to grieve without worrying about the fact that she came first.

She did come first, though, and would for at least the next fifteen years. Only days after that first devastating appointment with the oncologist, Linda had talked about it with Sebastian. After she had filled out the paperwork, he’d signed his name so that in the event of Linda’s death he automatically would become the girl’s legal guardian. And now he was. He was still in school, but now he had to juggle being a college senior, being a parent, and his first experience with gut-wrenching grief.

Sebastian lost _all_ of his fuck-buddies before long. Sebastian always had lived his life being brutally honest, but somehow that honesty had taken a cruel turn while he grieved his sister. Between the guys not wanting to put up with those harsh comments, and them being annoyed by how he was always too busy for last-second booty calls because of a little girl who now was solely under his care, they all slowly moved on to other, more exciting sexual conquests.

He lost Blaine as a fuck-buddy too, but only because Blaine had transformed into so much more. Blaine was still living with Kurt in Columbus, stuck hours away during the week as he tried to finish his own senior year, but every weekend, without fail Blaine came by to help Sebastian with Matilda, giving him a chance to get most of his assignments finished. Blaine also helped remotely in various ways. He was amazing at researching Cincinnati preschools and easy-to-cook recipes that were appropriate for small children. Sebastian wasn’t sure how or when it happened, but Blaine was truly a partner to Sebastian now. Matilda loved Blaine so much, even if he was just ‘Uncle Baschy’s friend’ to her, and Sebastian never took him for granted. He felt sure he would’ve been lost if not for Blaine’s help.

Sebastian sometimes couldn’t believe that all of the other 21-year-olds around him were celebrating with roommates that they were of legal age to drink. He’d been just like them, when he’d turned twenty-one his junior year; but that had been when Linda was alive. His entire world had flipped upside down since then, and sometimes it felt like a lifetime ago. Lately, he was constantly overwhelmed with what his life had become, so he’d forgotten to plan any sort of celebration when Blaine’s big day came around. Blaine, however, understood and was beyond forgiving.

“Hey, don’t worry about it _at all_ ,” he said. “Kurt baked me a cake, and got me these amazing shoes you see on my feet on a major discount sale, and my parents took me out to dinner where I ordered alcohol _legally_ for the first time. It was a great day.”

Sebastian was glad that Blaine didn’t rely on him for those kinds of things – that he had Kurt too.

“You know what, though? I’ve been thinking. You haven’t had a night out in ages, have you?” Blaine asked.

They were sitting on the couch, Matilda tucked in bed for the night, casually sipping some decaffeinated coffee together, as had become one of their Friday night habits.

“I guess not,” Sebastian replied with a shrug.

“How about tomorrow night, you hit the bar, get drunk, hook up with a hot guy, and allow yourself to be 21-years-old again, just for one night.” Blaine smiled.

Sebastian appreciated the sentiment. His life had seemed to have skipped a whole decade in the blink of an eye and he _was_ kind of missing out on his twenties. He was also starting to maybe, finally, feel ready to really enjoy himself for the first time since Linda’s death.

“That sounds pretty fun. But…” Sebastian hesitated.

“But what?” Blaine asked.

“But I’d kind of rather get a baby-sitter and then have wild, kinky sex with you,” Sebastian admitted. He was ready to feel fully alive again. “We could go back to that hotel where we... you know,” he said with a wink. He was sure Blaine would remember what he was talking about. “We could scream as loud as we wanted and the only people that would hear us would be random strangers.”

Blaine chuckled and blushed at the same time. Then his face turned more serious. “Are you sure you’d prefer that? I mean I still have Kurt, at least. You told me when we first saw each other in that museum that you weren’t a monogamous kind of guy, and lately-”

“Lately I’ve been acting like I’m a stay-at-home mom and you’re my husband?” Sebastian said it with a lot of irony in his tone. “Yeah, I know. I guess… a lot has changed since then,” he said solemnly, glancing over toward Matilda’s bedroom. “And right now? I’m surprisingly okay with dating a poly guy monogamously, if that makes any sense.”

Blaine reached across the couch to place his hand on Sebastian’s knee. “It does.”

When Blaine had first informed Sebastian that Kurt was asexual, Sebastian hadn’t needed much of an explanation. The idea of asexuality made a lot of sense to him, since he had always been a bit hypersexual compared to his peers. He could imagine a spectrum of wanting to have sex all-the-time to never, and him and that Kurt kid being on opposite ends of it.

He’d also found the idea of romantic orientations really fascinating. Because the truth was, Blaine was pretty obviously in love. With two guys. But Sebastian? He really loved sex. He loved Matilda. He appreciated everything Blaine did for him, in his practical day-to-day life and also, of course, in the bedroom. But there was a part of him that thought maybe, just maybe, he was closer to aromantic than those sensitive gay men like Blaine. Maybe he fell on the aro-spectrum. Maybe it didn’t matter whether he did or not, especially when he had more pressing concerns on his mind, like how much time before his set graduation date was too early to start applying for a job at the Cincinnati Art Museum, or did they have enough cereal left in the house for Matilda’s breakfast the next morning.

Everything grew easier with time. Sebastian and Blaine fell into a routine. Matilda got used to her new life too. Raising his niece had certainly forced Sebastian to grow up way faster than he’d ever imagined he would. It also forced his adult life to look very different than he’d ever expected it would – the truth was, Sebastian hadn’t actually thought he’d ever want kids. But now, every time Sebastian thought about how Matilda was being raised by a gay uncle dating a poly bi man who in turn was also committed to an asexual man, he smiled. He was thrilled at the thought that his niece would grow up so enlightened. She would never have any boring stories to tell at school. He’d always _wished_ he could’ve had that kind of unique childhood.


	14. The Musical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter for the fic! ;)
> 
> I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my story. Don’t forget to leave me a review when you finish. It’d mean the world to me.
> 
> We’ve switched back to Marley’s perspective for this last chapter. Each of the four ace faces got two chapters from their respective point of view. ;) I wanted to end on Marley, since Marley is probably the ace character I personally relate to the most throughout this fic.
> 
> The fic picks up at roughly the same time chapter 12 (with Will and Emma) left off.

Here’s the banner image pitufa003 made for the fic:

 

 

And remember, she also made a gorgeous book cover image which I featured at the start of chapter 1.

Chapter 14: The Musical

Marley was in the driver’s seat, hoping the fact that her mother would _not_ have to be the person to focus on street signs or other cars on the road would help her mother to _instead_ pay full attention to the audiobook. Marley had obtained a license years ago and was happy to drive, especially since her mother had promised to help navigate with the GPS once they got closer to Cleveland. Despite having lived in Ohio their entire lives, neither woman had ever traveled to this particular location before.

The Rose family car was almost two decades old but the tape player still worked, so they used a cassette adapter in order to listen to the audio file on Marley’s phone. The book was _The Invisible Orientation_. Marley had heard great things about it, especially as a resource to share with someone like her mother. Millie Rose was no longer under the impression that asexuality was the same as celibacy, and Millie had been wonderful about letting Marley switch to a new therapist – one who had thankfully turned out to be ace-competent – but Marley could count on a single hand the number of conversations she’d had with her mom on the topic. Her mother didn’t yet possess a deep, nuanced understanding of any of the issues affecting asexual people.

They were currently heading toward a musical where the climax involved a character learning about the orientation and realizing it was his truth. Marley and her mother had roughly three hours to kill in the car ride there, plus it’d be an additional three hours in the car on the way back. So Marley had decided to spend twelve dollars on the audio edition of Julie Sondra Decker’s book. She hoped the narrator’s voice would be interesting enough to listen to for all that time.

 

* * *

 

By the time the mother and daughter arrived, Millie was certainly much more informed than she had been before the ride, even if Marley had been familiar with most of the concepts already. Both women were very ready for a break from non-fiction and were looking forward to the performance, which would be a story with a setting and a plot. Hopefully it’d be a refreshing change of pace. The comedic musical would be a testament to the talents of so many people, including Marley herself. Marley was beyond excited to see it come to life. They walked through the entrance about an hour early. They saw so many people already in the Palace’s lobby. When Marley spotted Ryder and Unique chatting amiably, she beamed and then walked up to them.

“Hi!” she interrupted. She was so glad that not too long after their break-up, Unique and Ryder had gotten to a place of being friends again – or actually, to a place where they were much _better_ friends than they had ever been prior to their romance.

Ryder smiled and pulled Marley into a warm embrace.

“Long time, no see,” Ryder said. “Wow,” he added as he took in her appearance. “You look amazing.”

Marley blushed at the compliment. “Thanks.”

Ryder turned back to Unique. “You both do,” he honestly commented.

Marley was wearing a dress that she’d amazingly managed to find on clearance. It was a deep purple with yellow ribbon on the fringes – a fairly simple style. It was also the prettiest she’d felt since her senior prom. She took a closer look at Unique’s choice of attire.

“You really do look stunning,” she told Unique. The black dress had sequins covering it and was the perfect choice for a night out at the theater. The young women had been together when they’d shopped for their dresses. But this was the first time Marley had gotten a chance to see it worn out in public.

“How’s Jake?” Marley asked, knowing Ryder still kept in touch with him. Her ex-boyfriend would always have a place in her heart, and she found it hard to see Ryder without thinking of him.

“You can ask him yourself,” Ryder said with a nod. Marley turned in the direction he was indicating.

She gasped. “What is he doing here?” She had certainly not been expecting him to attend.

Ryder didn’t answer. Jake began to approach the group. Marley noticed that behind him, her mother had found Mr. and Mrs. Schuester, along with Coach Beiste, and the four adults had struck up a conversation.

“Hey there, gorgeous,” Jake said once he was about two feet from her.

“Hi!” she quickly greeted. “I’m glad you’re here.” It was true. Even after all this time, she still hadn’t determined if what she’d felt for him was ever more than platonic or not. She was pretty sure she’d always label herself quoiromantic, but that didn’t change the fact that Jake would always be an important part of her journey to where she was now. She’d always appreciate how amazing he’d been as a boyfriend.

“Oh my god,” Unique breathed excitedly from behind her. “I think that’s him.” Marley, Jake, and Ryder all turned to face where she was looking. A Japanese-American guy in a well-fitted suit was glancing around, clearly looking for someone.

Marley smiled for her friend, and then decided to walk over to him.

“Are you Sora?” she asked.

He nodded. “Yeah. Do you know Unique?”

“I do. She’s right over here.” She led him to her.

Sora was the boy Unique had been dating for months now, but this was the first time they were meeting in real life. Prior to this point, they had messaged back and forth frequently. They had seen photos of each other but since he was busy attending college in Philadelphia, they had not yet had the chance to meet in real life.

As he approached Unique, a very girlish nervousness overtook her facial expression. He outstretched his hand.

“Nice to meet you,” Sora said.

Unique grasped it. “You too.”

Jake and Ryder stepped back a bit to give the lovebirds some privacy. Marley turned around and saw the two older women who she’d gotten to know well in the Aces of Lima meet-ups still engaged in conversation with her mother. She decided to join them.

“I think the narrator’s name is Reay Kaplan,” Marley overheard her mom saying, “and maybe the book’s more meant to be _read_ – there is a lot of ‘and slash or’ type of things that, when _spoken_ , can be distracting – but I’m learnin’ so much.”

Marley smiled. She was glad her mom felt that way.

Emma and Shannon greeted Marley. Marley was a bit surprised to notice the hint of a new baby bump beneath Emma’s sparkling green dress, but didn’t say anything, because suddenly Sue Sylvester made her presence known to all of them.

“Hello, crowd,” she loudly announced as she walked up to the group.

“What are you doing here, Sue?” Will asked skeptically, like he didn’t believe she’d really want to see the musical.

“My former Cheerio has penned something that’s made headline news – at least in the Arts & Entertainment sections of the newspapers, which of course no one who matters reads,” she answered.

Marley was confused. Was it really true that Kurt Hummel had ever been a Cheerio at McKinley?

“Regardless, it is my duty as his former coach to come,” Sue continued. “Besides, I’m curious to see what all you art nerds are fussing about. It’s also my duty as a mother,” she added, as if that explained anything.

Millie and Emma, the two mothers standing within earshot, both looked more intently at her.

“And what does being a mother have to do with you deciding to come to this show?” Emma asked. Then she looked around, as if expecting to see the four-year-old child wandering around on her own. “Robin’s not here, is she?”

“Of course not. I’m only here to learn how to protect my daughter from becoming one of these freaks,” Sue said.

Marley was surprised to see Coach Beiste _smile_ in reaction to that awful comment. When Shannon noticed Marley’s horrified face, her expression turned to sympathy.

“Ms. Sylvester never means it when she says those things,” Shannon reassured the youngest of the people congregated in that particular spot.

Marley didn’t believe her and turned away, trying not to let it bother her much.

In the far corner of the lobby, Marley spotted Blaine and Kurt sharing a quick kiss, and then Kurt disappeared into the backstage area.

There was some commotion, and then Marley realized the door to the seating area had been opened. She looked down at her ticket to remind herself of which seat and row number she was assigned. She hadn’t wanted special treatment, so she’d forfeited her reserved front row seat in favor of the viewing experience that a typical audience member might get.

She sat beside Unique and Sora in the chairs. Sora leaned out a little and looked across Unique, addressing Marley.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you’ll _never_ have to worry about me taking your queerplatonic partner from you,” he said with a smile. “Unique may be my girlfriend, but I know you two had each other first, and she’s clearly committed to you, too.”

Marley returned the smile. “I know she is.”

Sora looked affectionately at Unique, as if he admired her even more _because_ of her commitment to Marley.

When the lights went down and the curtain opened, the pit was playing the theme for _Zack’s Lack_ , and Marley could barely contain her delight. The piece was so upbeat and humorous, containing only flute, fiddle, and banjo. It was played by some of the most talented musicians in the state. Unique had really outdone herself with this composition. And Unique would’ve never been considered for the job had Kurt not met Marley in an ace meet-up! It had been such amazing serendipity.

Zack started off in the story as a character who lacked good enough grades to graduate high school, who lacked siblings and was exceptionally jealous of everyone around him not being an only child, who lacked skill at playing piano despite having had lessons since age four… he even lacked an interest in girls. Marley had been quite impressed – and, of course, amused – when she’d first read the script for the play. Rewriting the first scene into rhyming lyrics had not only been a joy – it had been surprisingly easy to do. Kurt’s words lent themselves to it flawlessly.

Marley had heard Kurt gush about how talented the actor playing Zack was. But when Kurt had revealed that he and Gabe had entered into a relationship, Marley had assumed that his intense crush had led Kurt to exaggerate the man’s abilities. Now, sitting here with her eyes on the stage, she realized just how mistaken she had been.

Gabriel Miller was killing it.

He danced with a lightness in his steps that took Marley’s breath away, while at the same time reminding her of Jake’s skill at ballet. She knew her song so well, but she’d never heard _him_ sing it before and he had a way of transforming the lyrics into something raw and real, while still encouraging the audience to laugh at the end of every verse. There was something truly remarkable about how clearly the audience was laughing _with_ his character, rather than at him, despite how on paper one might think Zack was simply pathetic. Gabe somehow infused a realness into him that was easy for anyone to relate to. Plus, now that the show was being performed live, there wasn’t only a silliness to the script but also, especially, to the delivery of each word. Combined with the vibrant and fun set, the costumes, and the truly inspired choreography…. if the first act was this amazing, she couldn’t imagine the audience _not_ being enthralled once asexuality was introduced into the plot after intermission.

Sure enough, about two hours later, the show got a standing ovation. As the lights came back on, and the somewhat-inappropriate enthusiasm from the cast’s closest friends and family died down, Marley looked around and saw fresh tears shining on Coach Beiste’s cheeks. She was _sure_ they were happy tears caused by the exceptionally sweet finale. Marley saw that Burt and Carole had the proudest smiles on their faces. She could’ve seen the reactions of so many more people she recognized if she’d looked – Rachel Berry and Mercedes Jones, for instance, were also in attendance – but what she chose to focus on instead were the reactions of everyone else. As each member of the cast came out in succession, the audience as a whole clapped harder and harder. Judging by their faces, Marley wasn’t the only person to be blown away by the entire show.

The curtains drew to a close. People dissipated. Marley lingered back with Unique, and the two young women looked for Kurt. They caught sight of him in the area of the lobby where the cast was congregating in preparation to greet the attendees who wanted to meet them. Kurt was running up to Gabe. They embraced in a passionate hug.

Marley could barely contain her happiness for Kurt, for Gabe, and really for aces everywhere. The play’s success was hopefully just beginning, and it was such a ‘win’ for visibility efforts. She could literally see, from where she was standing in the lobby, Coach Beiste as a real-life example of an aromantic ace who could be truly happy with no one in her life except for close friends – although Marley would never understand why that cruel cheerleading coach was one of them. She saw Blaine run up to join Kurt and Gabe. As he congratulated them both, it reminded her of just how amazingly polyamory could work out for some aces. She looked over at Unique, who was conversing with Sora. Those two were likely due for a first kiss anytime now. Marley was so thrilled for her friend, and Marley knew what she wanted from her own life was working out too. Marley had a queerplatonic partner who she couldn’t imagine loving more.

“ _There_ you are,” Millie said, and Marley turned toward the direction of her mother’s voice. “That was a spectacular show, sweetie.”

“It was, wasn’t it?” she gushed.

Millie smiled. “I’m ready to listen to more of that book on tape, if you are.”

“Sure, Mom,” Marley warmly replied. “Let’s go.”

As they exited Connor Palace together, Marley stepping onto the city sidewalk in her high heels on their way back to where they’d parked, Marley noticed something beautifully poetic. It was nighttime, and as a girl used to living in a small town, she’d always associated it with darkness, as if the sun was the only way a street could be illuminated. But this street was able to be bright anyway, from all of the streetlamps, headlights, and neon signs on storefronts.

From behind them, footsteps began to approach quickly.

“Wait up!” Blaine called out as he ran to the mother and daughter. “The Schuesters want to take a photo of the entire McKinley gang while we’re all here.”

Marley thought that was a truly lovely idea. She turned to her mother. “Can you wait here? I should be right back.”

“Go ahead,” Millie replied.

Marley began to pose for the picture.

What she had realized tonight was a parallel. She’d always grown up thinking there was only one way for a person’s life to have a ‘happily ever after’. It was remarkably comforting to now know just how untrue that was. She’d been a part of helping spread that message to so many more people via this musical. Her heart swelled with pride.


End file.
